Dating In The Bible Belt

OkCupid in Pittsburgh is a good way to meet people and have fun and I had moderate success with it last fall.

OkCupid in Mobile is confusing. Dating in the bible belt isn’t gonna work for me. I knew that in February but I decided to try again to fill the recently reopened void.

Real answers to real questions from real people:

Q: Do you think homosexuality is a sin?
A: Yes I think it is a sin if we define sin by the bible because it does say that but I don’t have a problem with gay people. I have gay friends and honestly think gay marriage should be legal. So yes I do think the bible considers it a sin but it also says the same about lieing or breaking mans laws such as speeding and we all sin I mean… We are human.

Q: Do you believe contraception is morally wrong?
A: Morally, yes. But until it is time for a ring, contraception is a must.

That second guy listed sex as one of the 6 things he can’t live without.

At least they’re trying?

And I respect people’s right to different opinions. But I can’t date people with different opinions like those. Especially confusing/astonishing/mystifying opinions.

I’m a 54% match with almost everyone here. In Pittsburgh, it’s rare that I’m below 75%.

But then again, OkC really does attract the weirdos no matter where you are. For every one good guy on OkC Pittsburgh, there were 30 weird ones. So maybe these guys aren’t really representative of all the eligible men here. But being that I don’t have time to really live a life outside of nursing school, it’s my only option.

In my dream life, I meet a guy during summer kickball and we fall in love and live happily ever after. In my real life, I’m hesitant to sign up for fear of the Alabama heat. And the fact that my summer clinical schedule is yet to be determined.

I think I’m also just having a weak moment. Because last week at this time, all I wanted to do was be single. But then there was the altercation with the ex. And now I’m broken and lonely all over again.

Really, I don’t even want to be with someone in a relationship. I just want to flirt with someone. And watch superhero movies on the couch with intermittent periods of making out.

In the 24 hour period between Monday and Tuesday night, I watched Iron Man, Iron Man 2, The Incredible Hulk, Captain America, and Thor by myself. And drank a fifth of whiskey (that probably happened in 12 hours or less) by myself. And at the end of this week, I’m probably going to go see The Avengers by myself.

Forever alone. Lolo Jones is my inspiration for being able to embrace and then publicly admit these things.

While trying to console myself by looking for New Orleans apartments on Craigslist (because I know for a fact that NOLA men are better because I’ve experienced it), I found out that during my whiskey palooza I was looking at apartments in Austin. What the hell, subconscious?

I mean, to be fair, I have more or less decided that Austin is what comes after New Orleans. Austin is where grown-up liberals who like hot weather and good music and a laid-back atmosphere go to live. So when I’m a grown-up liberal, that’s where I’ll be. But the 25 year old version of myself is headed straight to NOLA until I’m ready to act like I’m 28.

Sadly, drunk Liz was apparently skipping ahead a little bit on Monday night.

Ugh. I just need to get back into my groove.

This is a perfect summary of my life leading up to the post-afterparty situation on Saturday night.

Except my ex isn’t an innocent feeble old man. And I don’t have the power to have anyone thrown out the window.

The Frozen Concoction That Helps Me Hang On

Jimmy Buffet. You either hate him or you appreciate the ridiculousness for what it is and love him. I fall into the latter category.

The first line of Margaritaville is this:

Nibblin’ on spongecake

Best. First line. Ever.

That’s a sentiment I can definitely get behind. You know it’s gonna be an awesome song after that. Especially because the second line is:

Watchin’ the sun bake

Someday, I hope to have a swimming pool. Once this happens, I’m going to have ridiculous Jimmy Buffet pool parties all the time. Where everyone gets to booze it up. Obviously.

I hear Margaritaville at least once a week on the radio. Previously (i.e. pre-move), I’d heard the whole thing straight through maybe 5 times in my whole life. I don’t know if they play this excessively because I live near the beach and there’s definitely a relaxed Gulf Coast lifestyle that’s conducive to Jimmy Buffet listening or because Jimmy Buffet is from Mobile. It could be a combo of both. Either way, I’m not complaining. The fact that this is Jimmy Buffet’s hometown makes me love it so much more. If I didn’t physiologically need to move to NOLA, I would absolutely stay here. Maybe forever.

I love the radio.

And I love pop music. I know that’s blowing your mind right now. Especially because I used to be such a punk ass kid. After I get around to finally writing Fake It ‘Til You Make It: Part 2, I’ll write a whole post on how much I love Jason Derulo. Last year sometime, when I was listing all my current radio favorites (Whatcha Say, Ridin’ Solo, In My Head), someone mentioned to me that they were all by the same guy. I’ve never been the same since. It was an awakening. Plus, now there’s It Girl which is my current favorite song. The lyrics are DUMB AS HELL…

You could be my ‘it girl’
Baby, you’re the shit, girl
Loving you could be a crime
Crazy how we fit, girl
This is it, girl
Give me 25 to life

…but for some reason, Jason Derulo pulls them off.

And Fight For You combines my love for Jason Derulo AND Toto (Rosanna, Hold The Line, Africa). Sometimes, I just listen to Jason Derulo songs over and over, day and night.

Bruno Mars, too. Anything he touches turns to pop music gold, in my opinion. Proof:

He became recognized as a solo artist after lending his vocals and co-writing the hooks for the songs “Nothin’ on You” by B.o.B, and “Billionaire” by Travie McCoy. He also co-wrote the hits “Right Round” by Flo Rida featuring Ke$ha, and “Wavin’ Flag” by K’naan. In October 2010, he released his debut album, Doo-Wops & Hooligans. Anchored by the worldwide number-one singles “Just the Way You Are” and “Grenade”, the album peaked at number three on the Billboard 200.
- Wikipedia

HE CO-WROTE WAVIN’ FLAG? I didn’t actually know that ’til right now. It was my favorite song for months and months during the summer/fall of 2010. On repeat 24/7. I mean, hell, even now I still listen to it way more than a person should probably listen to one song. And since I’ve acquired the knowledge that Bruno Mars had something to do with this, I love him 500x more… bringing my total Bruno Mars love to an astronomical level.

Plus, his performance at the Grammy’s was SO FREAKING GOOD. The man knows how to entertain. Goddamn. I’m about to watch that another 4 times in a row. I would catch a grenade for Bruno Mars.

Here are some other “atypically Liz” surprises:

I love Paradise despite generally being a Coldplay hater… sans The Scientist, of course. In my opinion, it was one of the greatest songs of the 2000s. Definitely top 10.

And I don’t even really hate Biebs as much anymore because the chorus of his new song is damn catchy. Although that whistle/hawk-sounding thing that plays over and over and over throughout it gives me a headache. And the verses are godawful.

There are a ton of good songs on the radio right now. Off the top of my head:
- Call Me Maybe
- What Makes You Beautiful
- Good Feeling
- International Love (I fucking hate Chris Brown, though)
- Say You Like Me
- Glad You Came
- Rumor Has It
- Starships
- In The Dark 
- Where Them Girls At
- Countdown

I could go on and on about my love for Beyonce also. But since you’re probably sick of hearing about my obsessions with select pop artists, I’ll spare you that. Still, I listen to Countdown at least once a day. And that video, like all Beyonce videos, is awesome. I want to be Beyonce. And Shakira.

Oye papi, vuelveme loca

…En serio.

I really need to move back to South America someday. Maybe that’s the step between NOLA and the return to Pittsburgh. My biggest life regret (aside from dating Matt for as long as I did) is not maintaining the semi-fluency I had after Chile. I’m sure it’ll be easier to pick it back up the second time around, but still… I should have kept going instead of letting my Spanish slip.

Anyway, all tangents aside, I feel lighter these days. And pop music reflects that feeling. So, that’s why it’s mostly all I’ve been listening to these days (aside from Rage Against the Machine because that’s good music for all moods). Mobile is a very healing place. I was thinking that maybe the peace was just due to leaving Pittsburgh in general or the nursing school distraction, but I really think it’s this specific place that’s responsible. If I’d gone to Chicago or something, I’d still be a bitter heartbroken mess.

If I had to do a campaign for the city of Mobile, I’d highlight the fact that it can basically be a sanctuary for people who are trying to escape emotional distress, huge life disappointments, severe shocks and unplanned events, general depression, etc. Good food. Good music. Good weather. Close to the beach. Not too big. Not too small. Not too busy. Not too laid back. Not too quiet. Not too loud. It’s pretty inexpensive to live here too. My apartment isn’t the nicest or newest apartment in the world but it’s clean and comfortable and it’s on a really safe and quiet street and it’s huge and only costs $475/month. The same apartment in the same type of place in Pittsburgh would probably be at least $200 more. And people consider Pittsburgh to have a relatively affordable cost of living.

Plus, with your free library membership at the Mobile library, they give you a keytag! If you want a keytag at the Carnegie libraries in Pittsburgh, you have to get the paid membership. To me, this is awesome. Because I hate having to pull the library card out of my wallet.

And Winn Dixie chicken nuggets are the best chicken nuggets I’ve ever had. Aside from the spicy ones at Wendy’s. But you can’t get those at the grocery store.

So… Need to get away? Don’t know what the next step is? Want to start over? Would like to reinvent yourself? Just feel listless and bummed out? Mobile, AL is your city.

Lord Have Mercy

Sunday was essentially everything I’ve ever wanted a Sunday to be. It was exactly how life should be lived.

Rachel’s mom was wearing a shirt that said, “Alabama girls know that sometimes all you can say is ‘Lord have mercy!’” I love southern moms.

For a good portion of the day, we just sat on their pier and fished but didn’t catch anything because it was the middle of the day. But it was still a damn good time. We were drinking a little too. A mix of quality beer and cheap beer. Like Blue Moon followed by Busch Light (which I’d never had before in my life) followed by Sweetwater 420 followed by PBR. It was 89 degrees and sunny. Love.

Then we ate. Every backyard BBQ I go to down here is amazing. The food is better than any BBQ place you can go to up north. We had magically delicious wings, ribs, and burgers. And the best baked beans I’ve ever had in my life. And hushpuppies and fried okra. And a ton of other stuff but those were the highlights. Plus, it’s just nice to sit at a big table full of people and feel happy to be alive.

As far as I can tell, all southern dads have their own “secret BBQ recipe” that they’re super proud of. It’s so funny. But damn, that pride is totally justified. You don’t know how good food can be until you move to Alabama.

Then we went blackberry picking. The goal was to get enough for a cobbler. Unfortunately, we didn’t. But the experience was still a dream come true.

I stepped on the edge of a fire ant colony by accident and got stung on my foot and ankle couple times. The ants are kind of hard to remove quickly. It didn’t hurt nearly as bad as I imagined it would though. But the little red bumps are still outrageously itchy 4 days after the incident.

I love new experiences. I’ve had a lifelong uneasiness about fire ants because they always seemed really vicious on the Discovery channel. But now I know that they’re no big deal.

One activity I refuse to ever experience is noodling. Rachel’s dad asked me if I wanted to do it and I was like “No way.” Then he said the banks were full of catfish and tried to convince me it wasn’t that bad. Clearly the man doesn’t understand my aversion to live catfish. I do not want any part of my hand or arm to be inside of one.

I can’t wait to see a gator in real life though!

Here are some pictures that I took with my phone from the pier. Rachel’s parents live up a creek about half a mile from the actual river. Their place is really nice and the decision to build a house on the creek and not the river was a good one, I think. It’s so quiet and peaceful. But if you want to get to the river, you just hop in a kayak and you’re there. Added bonus: they’re only 30 minutes from the beach.

That’s Cricket. She gets super alert and barks like crazy whenever people come past in boats, canoes, and kayaks. She’s the queen of that part of the creek and won’t even let other dogs get on the pier. It’s hilarious.

Long story short: I want every Sunday of my life to be a backyard BBQ with fishing/drinking in the sunshine and blackberry picking. I have really minimal/simple needs.

I want Alabama and Pittsburgh to somehow become the same place. Or for teleportation to be real. Because then I could do things like wake up at my Alabama river house, go to the Buccos home opener (I miss PNC Park already) and end the day at Belve’s, then be back to sleep at my Alabama river house and go kayaking the next day.

Sweet Home Alabama: Part 1

Atlanta was nice. Some parts of it weirdly reminded me of Boston. Other parts were like no other city I’ve ever been in. The traffic was godawful though. That part reminded me of Long Island. It’s weird that I live close enough to Atlanta that I can just go almost whenever I want. I mean, it is technically like five hours away but that’s nothing to me. That’s how long it takes to get to Alfred from Pittsburgh.

On my way, I went to Dunkin Donuts and felt like I’d just reached an oasis after being in the desert for months. And I hit up Ikea too and got this bookcase. Ikea said two people were required to put it on the cart thing and to lift it in general, two people to assemble it, and two people to pick it up and put it against the wall after it’s built. Well, Ikea, you’re wrong because I did it all by myself. Like a boss. I am a one woman machine. It obviously wasn’t the easiest thing to accomplish and required a combination of brains and brawn, but it’s done. I definitely had to improvise because it actually is way way way too heavy for me to pick up. There was a lot resourcefulness going on last night. Willpower and simple machines and ancient Egyptian techniques. And now my living room is awesome and I was finally able to unpack the last of my stuff.

The advent of this new bookcase brought some furniture rearranging in the living room and then that led to complete furniture rearranging in my bedroom and then complete rearranging of my office area as well. This is why I live alone. I need to be able to change and live and react to all my whims. I can’t imagine being married and getting a new couch or something and then being inspired to change every room in the house and having to tell my husband, “Hey, we’re moving every possession we own to a new spot in the house today.” I don’t feel like compromising in terms of my living spaces right now. I do what I want because I am the queen of my castle.

After I get all the art hung on the walls and acquire some lamps and put the finishing touches on everything, I’ll post some pictures so you can see what it looks like even if you can’t ever visit! The bookcase was the last big thing I needed and now I feel like I’m finally settling in. I’ve transitioned out of the “I recently moved from Pittsburgh” phase and into the “Alabama is my home” phase and I’m in love with my apartment and my life here. I love this apartment so much that I kind of don’t want to leave (and probably can’t ever leave because it might take five strong men to move the bookcase out of here). But on the other land, I probably will want to upgrade to something a little bit nicer when I have an income (and I need to get to New Orleans ASAP) but there’s definitely something to be said for living cheaply. As long as you can make it homey and comfortable, you’re good to go. I just ignore all the cracks in the walls/ceilings and the old tiles in the bathroom and all the other things that come with an inexpensive apartment in an old building. If you renovated this place even a little bit though, it would be incredible. The hardwood floors are amazing and the windows are huge and the ceilings are high. It’s classic. And super spacious.

Anyway, the bathroom is the only room that’s completely 100% done and so yinz can see the pictures. Sorry about the bad quality in some of these and the fact that they’re not all the same size. I used my phone to take them.

The bathroom was honestly kind of gross when I moved in. The person who lived here before me must have been disgusting. When I looked at the apartment, I knew it was going to take some work but I’m so happy with how it turned out. This is the makeshift ventilation system I used when cleaning it. It effectively sucked the chemical air out. And spread the chemical air throughout my apartment. But at least the concentration was more tolerable and safer.

Here’s the shower curtain. I get to memorize capitals while I shampoo and such. But first I have to decipher them because they’re backwards when you’re on the inside.

This is the shower/toilet area.

Andy Warhol hangs on the wall.

This is the sink/shelf area. I don’t have a hand towel yet obviously. That’s what pants are for? Gross. I kind of feel like Foul Bachelorette Frog now.

Here’s a close-up of the shelves. I LOVE HAVING MY OWN BATHROOM. I finally have space to put all my make-up in a place that’s convenient to where I put it on. Dream come true! And I love the white shelf liner with light pink polka dots that I got. The only problem with this set up is that the little eye shadows sometimes get lost behind the bigger palettes but that’s such a minor issue that I hardly care.

Finally, here’s the elephant soap pump that I had to have.

That picture is also a good close-up of the weird pink paint that’s all over my bathroom. Whoever painted the bathroom pink did a very poor job and whoever painted over it did a very poor job as well.

Anyway, there it is in all its glory. My bathroom is everything I’ve ever wanted in a bathroom space. It’s relaxing, it reflects me as a person, and I have space for all my bathroom things.

I Like To Graph Things And Math Things

Two finals: done.

What I did the rest of the day: Went to the beach and Rachel’s mom fed me again and then we went shopping again.

The beach was AMAZING. It was the whitest and finest sand I’ve ever seen and felt. And the water was SO CLEAR. It was the clearest ocean water I’ve ever been in. You can SEE THE SAND beneath the water as the waves roll in. And not just at the tide line, but farther out than it seems possible to see sand underneath the waves. Plus, in Orange Beach where we were, there’s a sand bar and this means that the water up to the sand bar is the most awesome blue-green then the water on the other side of it is the most awesome pure blue. And since the sand bar is infinitely long, that’s all you see along the whole beach. It’s amazing. The Pacific Ocean is a vast epic cold gray thing and I’m totally blown away by it on principle and the first moment I was in it was a life changing one. The Atlantic Ocean is seaweedy and and blue-gray and it’s what I’m most accustomed to in terms of what I expect an ocean to be. But the water in the Gulf of Mexico is pure heaven and it’s exactly what I think happily ever after must feel like.

Therefore, I’ve decided that this is my new habitable zone:

I can’t thrive in any other environment. And yes, that area was graphed with precision. I’m taking this map with me when I buy my first house. The realtor’s gonna be like “So, I’m about to show you a house that fulfills all your needs AND even includes absolutely everything on your wish list including an indoor rollercoaster AND it’s in your price range, but it’s two feet outside of your habitable zone,” and my reply will be “Do you want me to die?! Show me another house.”

Anyway, the shells on Gulf Coast beaches are better too. The tide line in the sand is like a wavy river of shells. Full of things like intact crab exoskeletons (which I picked up) and snails that are still alive in their shells (which I played with). It felt like kindergarten all over again. Sheer wonder and amazement. And the fact that Rachel majored in Marine Biology and worked at a sea lab for years made the experience even more amazing because she could tell me what everything was when I didn’t know.

I found my very first sand dollar today. I’ve seen and held them before when other people have brought them home from vacation but I’ve never actually acquired one on my own. To me, sand dollars are basically the only thing that could ever make me believe in God. I don’t see how there would be any evolutionary advantage to having such a cool looking skeleton. You’d never believe it used to be an animal because the design is so beautiful. Something out there in the universe must have thought this one out.

Sand dolla dolla bill y’all:

That’s not mine. I found a picture on the internet for you in case you have no idea what I’m talking about.

Anyway, I’m not the first one to feel spiritual around sand dollars. Some idiots made up a “cute” religious-type myth surrounding these echinoids. It’s basically the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Although, I do like the good will and peace part. That’s a universal thing.

This isn’t to say that I don’t love the “doves” on the inside though. But I love them because they’re sand dollar JAWS! Sand dollars have five of them for crushing food. Awesome. I love biology.

I also collected little bits of coral that get picked up and drift in from the Caribbean. I’ve never even held coral in my hand before today. Also, it’s amazing that it comes all the way from the Caribbean. I love how the earth works. It makes me feel so full of life. Little pieces of coral that used to be alive getting caught in the currents and washing up on beaches so far away.

More about coral… SAVE IT. Destruction of a coral reef = destruction of a living organism and also the backbone of an ecosystem which supports all kinds of other organisms.

It’s crazy to me that something like coral is alive. Again, I love the earth. The fact that all of this exists is extraordinary. We’re just on one nanoscale rock on the edge of the universe but this little inconsequential planet is so full of amazing life. All the physics and chemistry that had to occur in a certain way to make this happen is astonishing. We’re really lucky. I hope you know that. We’re really lucky to exist and be able to experience this.

Do more to protect the earth. Please. Tomorrow, maybe I’ll write an extensive blog about Evangelicals and environmental protection. It’s something that’s been bothering me for quite some time and has become even more bothersome since I moved to Jesusland.

What I’m also doing tomorrow is going back to World Market to get some rugs during their 50% off rugs sale now that I’ve measured floor space in various areas around my apartment. World Market was another first for me today. BEST STORE EVER. It’s basically the only place I want to shop for the rest of my life. It’s like someone went “Hey, let’s take everything that appeals to Liz’s aesthetic tastes and put them in one location.” Plus, it’s not outrageously expensive. They currently have an India theme going. You know how much I love elephants (and places I’ve never been but dream about going regularly). I was kind of flipping shit. I’m most likely going to end up buying more than rugs tomorrow. Like this. And only $7?!?! That would be like $40 at Pier 1.

But basically, to sum this all up, I can only live in a place that’s within 1 hour-ish of a good Gulf Coast beach, 20-ish minutes of a World Market, and 30-ish minutes of someone’s mom who will feed me red beans and rice until I can’t move anymore. The experience has been too good for me to be able to ever go back to my old existence.

Sorry, Pittsburgh. We had a good run. And I loved you more than I’ve ever loved a place before. But now I found a place that makes me happier and I have to move on.

Every Night I Thow You Out, Leave You Stranded On The Boulevard

First and foremost… WHAT THE HELL, STILLERS? Injuries are killer. I so badly wanted to see them crush Tim Tebow. That last TD was outrageous. Maybe he really freaking is Jesus but goodness, I hope not. All season, the whole Tebow Time thing  has been in my top 5 most hated things in this world. Sigh… next year. I hate those unsuccessful seasons where I feel what fans of other teams must feel every year and it’s terrible. We did way more with severe deficits due to injury than any other team could have. I still feel at least somewhat proud of that even if we’re not getting another Superbowl win.

Moving on… I finally have internet at my apartment so consider this to be the first of more regular posts. Maybe. The exams start on Thursday and don’t stop for weeks so we’ll see what actually happens in terms of blogging. I severely need to get my ass in study gear. Going to school in vacationland is actually way more difficult than I could have imagined. I just end up going outside instead of studying. Because a “this day is way too nice to waste it inside” kind of day in Pittsburgh is actually almost every day here. And I really don’t think I’ll ever get tired of going outside so it might become a huge problem which will require me to exert the strongest self-discipline I can muster. On Saturday, it was outrageously warm and I spent a solid amount of time on my bike. I was also uncomfortably hot while walking through the Winn Dixie parking lot from my car to the door. I cannot begin to tell you how weird it is to feel uncomfortably warm in January when you’re wearing a short-sleeved shirt and sandals.

In some ways, however, the vacationland aspect actually makes learning/school easier. Basically, the nursing building in Fairhope is a 10 minute walk from the bay. So, I  obviously go down there every day for our 12-1 break because I can’t stay away and it’s super zen and I get outrageously relaxed and so then powering through the afternoon is actually relatively easy. Today, I saw the first sailboat since I’ve been here which was INCREDIBLE and I wanted to be on it so badly. Sailboating around the bay would be a dream come true. I can’t wait ’til spring/summer when there are a million out there. Although, there’s something weirdly rewarding (in a meta way or something) about just a lone sailboat out on the bay in January. Maybe it’s rewarding in an existential way. I’ll get back to you on that after I decide which it is. Maybe it’s both.

And honestly, classes are outrageously fascinating so I’m sure that I’ll get some kind of routine down where studying and life enjoyment are perfectly balanced.

I like being busy. Things like this happen during periods like last winter when I was living at home with my parents while taking Microbio and working at the local pizza place and generally being bored as hell. I think it’s pretty safe to say that we all benefit from my preoccupation with legitimate stuff like school because ridiculous Liz is difficult to handle sometimes. The absence of legitimate pursuits in my life slowly becomes disastrous.

Although, sometimes I force legitimacy to happen during these periods and so not everything’s always a waste. For example, during that same time period last winter, I also crafted the most perfect Ryan Adams roadtrip mix for shorter journeys (like the 1 – 1.5 hour range). I can’t remember the exact length or song list but I’ll pull it up on my iPod and post it sometime soon so you can recreate it and thereby satisfy the Ryan Adams craving that I know you all have right now.

This song is on it somewhere and I’m mentioning it because today was a Hallelujah loop kind of a day and I listened to it on repeat. I love that “throw you out” line. It makes me happy (maybe sadistically) every damn time.

Finally, tonight is the LSU/Alabama championship game which will be my first SEC football experience while actually physically residing in the south and it’s a totally different experience, I promise. People are flipping out. I’m watching it with Auburn fans… and Alabama always beats Penn State… so…

Geaux Tigers!

He Knows If You’re Bein’ A Jag Off N’at

I had the loveliest of Christmases with some of my dearest Pittsburgh friends. Packing to leave for Mobile bright and early tomorrow. This is too surreal to comprehend right now. I’m going to miss the yinzers every day until I move back home permanently.

I love this place. I need to have my adventures while I’m still young, but I’ll return someday for sure. It’s the only place that truly feels like home right now. It’s been a damn good six years. It’s my forever place.

Turkey Burgers at 8AM

Why not? I mean, if you just got home at 7:30 and you’re hungry and you gotta eat something, turkey burgers seem like a good choice. I’m all about unconventional breakfast food.

I found out last night that sometimes if you’re on a good porch at various locations on the south side slopes on a clear night, you can stargaze pretty well. Winter is so cold but it’s the best stargazing season. There’s really something intoxicating about laying in the snow on a clear winter night in the middle of nowhere when you can see EVERY star in the sky because there’s no hazy humidity. And being outside on a clear winter night is pretty much the coldest you will ever feel but that’s partially why it’s incredible. That feeling paired with the warm feeling that the alcohol you inevitably have to drink while doing this makes you reach some kind of weird transcendent out-of-body state and the stars feel like they’re 2 inches in front of you. It’s a weird sense of clarity for things in all parts of your life and the “important” things become less important because you realize that you’re nothing but paradoxically, you also feel less alone in some larger, “we’re all in this thing together” kind of sense. Especially if you’re stargazing with someone you love who’s important to you. It’s like two or more people in that one moment in that one place somewhere on the edge of the Milky Way galaxy in the Virgo supercluster. Nothing means anything and everything means something all at the same time.

Semi-relevant:

I love Calvin & Hobbes. I think I need to add “loves Calvin and Hobbes” to my boy requisites because I can’t love anyone who doesn’t. I think that’s weirdly one of the reasons why Matt and I lasted so long. He was Calvin for Halloween like a week after we started dating and shit like that just sticks in your head and makes you think that even though it’s hard, it’s worth it. I hate memory. I hate that stuff like that stays with you forever until you die. The last thing I want to think about right now is the good memories.

Chris is randomly back in town. Rachel texted me at like 6:40AM to say that we’re all getting together with her tonight. This is the best surprise of all time and so this day is going by so so slowly. I sincerely miss Chris and Alex all the time and everyday wish that Japan wasn’t so far away. I can’t wait until tonight. Pittsburgh/Baltimore is always an intense good time (provided that we win, of course) and now that Chris is home, it’s going to be the best night of my life.

I also saw Howl’s Moving Castle for the first time yesterday and it really might be my 2nd favorite movie of all time now. As Ed says, “…the story demonstrates multiple lessons about emotional maturity as individuals and society.” Truth. And it blew my Imaginationland mind. It was funny/quirky, it was soothing, it was sad, it was profound. I need to read the book now. And I want to cancel Netflix but I can’t. There’s just too much good stuff out there.

Speaking of good movies, I love November for the Three Rivers Film Fest. I feel like all I ever want to be doing is watching indie movies in the Harris Theater. I look forward to being 32 and coming back to live here forever. It’s definitely time to go though and I’m anxiously counting down the weeks until it’s time to start over in Alabama. The best life skill I have is my inherent ability to pick up and start over and adapt.

It occurred to me then, that perhaps the reason for my growth was I was intended for larger things. After all, a giant man can’t have an ordinary-sized life.
- Big Fish

Also, I found out yesterday that my mom might have lung cancer. That’s kinda terrifying. I guess the fact that she smoked a lot when she was younger and the fact that we kind of have a family history of it don’t make it easier to think about. No point in worrying until we know for sure though.

Life comes at you from all directions. It’s amazing and terrible all at the same time.

Messages

I love mom e-mails. They kind of always sound a little ridiculous. I don’t know what it is. I’ve been trying analyze this for years. Just their choice of words and/or tone is weird maybe. They always sound different from e-mails you get from anyone else. Case in point, the last one my mom sent to me:

Oh my dear!  I am so happy that your wishes are coming true as you head to Alabama. We will miss you greatly but know that this is what you want to do and we are behind you all the way! The next 2 months will be filled with excitement and anticipation! Hope your weekend was fun and that THING 1 and 2 were a hit!

Mom, why do you do stuff like randomly capitalize the word “thing?”

I also love this song: Messages by Xavier Rudd

Oh, the lyrics. They really make me cry life tears 50% of the time I listen to the album. It’s a good Sunday night album.

So, hold nice and close
Once you get to your soul
So that when it is cold
You won’t feel so alone
‘Cause the roads that you take
May just crack and break
With the changes you will confront

With each gift that you share
You may heal and repair
With each choice you make
You may help someone’s day
Well, I know you are strong
May your journey be long
And now I wish you the best of luck
Well, I know you are strong
May your journey be long
And now I wish you the best of luck

Also, please care about the environment. Thanks.

I’m so teary lately anyway. The outrageousness of Halloweekend has made me realize how much I’m going to miss everyone for real. Like there have been a few times when I’ve just looked around at my friends doing what we always do and I just feel sadness and the ache of missing them already. The journey of life is bittersweet.

What is that feeling when you’re driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? — it’s the too-huge world vaulting us, and it’s good-by. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.
- Jack Kerouac, On The Road

Even though I love everyone to death, Halloweekend has been outrageously crazy and I’m kind of ready to get off this ride. Excerpt from one of my drunk tweets:

Oh Lord. Halloweekend. We are all going to die.

At Mike’s party on Friday night, we crossed the event horizon of insanity/debauchery never to return apparently. I thought I was too hungover to drink last night. I was wrong. Yes, I was still mad hungover and didn’t really want to drink but it happened. I thought we had all pulled ourselves together by the time we met up again at my house last night. Not true. Two parties with a bar adventure in between and we were all back to Friday night where the craziest shit was going down. At least Desi and I are naturally synched up so that only one of us is obliterated at a time and we take care of each other. Thank God, because if it weren’t this way, we’d be completely non-functioning wastes of life.

There’s been drama, there’s been fun, there’s been the surrealness of being sandwiched between Boba Fett and a dude dressed like a sexy woman while you back that ass up as the stereo blasts some Juvenile.

I mean, we went hard. It’s not even over yet. There’s still a small gathering happening at the Cage tomorrow night. Honestly, I can never get enough Halloween though. It’s truly one of the best holidays.

Apparently, Matt referred to me as “the whore in the other room” on Friday night however. That was nice of him. Glad to see he’s healthily/maturely moving on three months later. I know it shouldn’t have broken my heart that that’s how he thinks of me because I’m more or less over it in every way but it still sucks to know that there’s so much hate directed toward me from someone I used to love and who used to supposedly love me. I also know it’s not true at all. I was only ever the most monogamous/faithful/loyal/dedicated/loving/non-slutty girlfriend a person can have. It still stung really bad to know that he called me that and I guess I’ll never know why.

I think that guys will never really understand the level of disaster the situation with Matt was and I can never really fully throw out a disclaimer about why I’m so hostile towards them. I don’t believe in nice guys because my ex is the type of person to call you a whore three months after you broke up when it was entirely his fault and semi-unfaithfulness that caused you to end it.

I guess that’s essentially it. It’s hard to believe that a nice/decent/good guy is actually that when the guy you thought was that nice/decent/good guy in reality is a shady bastard who calls you a whore and that interferes with my assessment of all men.

I’m definitely ready to get out of here. Heartwrenching or not, it’s time to move on.

I still haven’t come to terms with the fact that I’m going to be living on Mobile Bay and basically the Gulf of Mexico. My connection with bodies of water is one of the most solid/consistent things in my life. My whole body is itching to go. The Gulf of Mexico and I have some kind of magnetism now. Water is also helping me feel less upset about leaving and the inevitable disconnection that comes with long-distance friendships. But when I think about the fact that ultimately New Orleans is my goal and that we’ll all be connected someday by Ohio and Mississippi Rivers, I feel more at ease about it. I like the idea of being able to look at the Mississippi River water and knowing that some of that came from Pittsburgh. And even farther up, some of it came from Potter county where my mom works so I’m connected to everyone that’s important.

I’m actually crazy. This is proof. A sane person would feel connected to people in 2011 because we have cell phones and the internet. A crazy person gets all 1894 about it. Pittsburgh is only a steamboat trip away!

This blurb from Wiki is cool:

The use of steamboats on major US rivers soon followed Fulton’s success. In 1811 the first in a continuous (still in commercial passenger operation as of 2007) line of river steamboats left the dock at Pittsburgh to steam down the Ohio River to the Mississippi and on to New Orleans.

I was obsessed with steamboat history for awhile. You can blame alt-country for that, I’m sure. But yeah, got books out of the library about it and everything. I was a steamboat expert for two weeks.

I also love houseboats. And speed boats. And tug boats. And fishing boats. And life boats. And pontoon boats. And kayaks. And canoes. And gondolas. And all other boats. Those are just the first ones that come to mind.

But sailboats most of all. Intense love for sailboats. My ancestors must have been pirates or vikings or fish or something. I’m most at peace on/in the water. It’s the most universal thing ever when you think about it. First of all, the earth is 70% water. Secondly, the water comes from everywhere and goes everywhere via the evaporation and rain cycle. And the molecules get all broken up then put back together. The atoms just move all over. I also like that hydrogen bonds are super weak unless there are a lot of hydrogen bonds going on from a lot of molecules being together. That’s so universal. One person alone is nothing. But a million people together is unbreakable. We need each other. Together, we have a high specific heat.

Putting the physics/chemistry aside (why am I such a nerd and only think in terms of science?), the water is also carried all over via gravity and waves and currents. It’s humbling to think about the power and magnitude of it but also comforting because of the connection to all things that it makes me feel.

I definitely cry my face off at the end of Big Fish every time. And kind of all the way through. The “I was drying out” line in the bathtub scene makes my heart explode. It’s not even really 100% sadness tears because of the death thing. Mostly life tears actually. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only person who loves the mix of good/bad in life so intensely that they cry about it. Not really happy or sad tears. Just love/existence/humanity tears.

Anyway, it’s obviously my favorite movie. And probably influenced me way too much when I was considering applying to nursing school in Alabama. I hope someone proposes to me someday by fake catching a catfish with an engagement ring (more proof that I’m Imaginationland crazy). Or actually catching a catfish with an engagement ring. That seems risky though. He could just pretend.

And take me to the river when I die. Preferably, I would like to die in the river surrounded by all the people I’ve ever known but that’s obviously way too whimsical to be real life and only happens at the end of Big Fish and not even really happens. It just happens in the story that Billy Crudup tells to Albert Finney while he dies in the hospital. Y’all can just cremate me and toss me in the river with some kind of short ceremonial celebration of life. Be drinking whiskey too, of course.

Wow, I think I just planned my funeral. These blogs get out of control. I go in with no organization or idea about what I’m going to write whatsoever and this is what comes out.

Relevant: If I Die Young by The Band Perry

Halloweekend 2011

It started crazy. It will end that way as well, I imagine.

Last night some very shameful things were done. That’s what happens when there’s a keg. It was bananas.

Desi and I are Thing 1 and Thing 2 but it’s so cute because each interpretation reflects our personalities. Couples costume with your boyfriend: overrated. Couples costume with your best friend: awesome.

Also, I had a surprise phone interview yesterday for nursing school and they basically accepted me immediately! So, I’m officially moving to Alabama at the end of December. It’s way more intense than I thought it was going to be. We have to go to school on the 4th of July. It’s only for a year. Then I’ll be a nurse. That’s such an amazing thing to realize.

After I got in, I started crying unhappy tears instead of being overjoyed. I think it was partially due to the stress of having an interview that day and not being ready for it AT ALL. But mostly due to the fact that now this is real and I’m leaving and going to miss everyone and this city immensely. Most of my dearest friends at this point are here. I don’t know how to live without them. I mean, ultimately this is definitely what I want/need and I’ll make new friends wherever I go. But Pittsburgh is home at this point and you can’t leave home without feeling a little heartbroken.

That was such a boring post. I don’t even know why I wrote it. I’m still in a state of hangover death. You can blame that. I had 12 too many celebratory shots last night. Definitely gonna be the sober kid at the parties tonight (lame) even though one’s at my house. I wish drunk Liz would have made better choices last night. I think my brain is swelling.