It’s For The Best You Didn’t Listen

Considering that the only thing I have to do this weekend, school-wise, is to study for a test (as opposed to the usual agenda of study for a test and write a 17 page research paper and finish up 500 other things), this Sunday is more like a regular Sunday instead of an “Oh goodness, I want to die right now” Sunday.

As such, here’s a Sunday song for y’all.

Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights, I call it a draw
Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights, I wish they’d just fall off

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I’m still not sure what I stand for
Oh, what do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don’t know anymore

This is it, boys, this is war
What are we waiting for?
Why don’t we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype
Save that for the black and white
I try twice as hard and I’m half as liked, but here they come again to jack my style

And that’s alright
I found a martyr in my bed tonight
She stops my bones from wondering just who I am, who I am, who I am
Oh, who am I? Oh, who am I?

Well, some nights, I wish that this all would end
‘Cause I could use some friends for a change
And some nights, I’m scared you’ll forget me again
Some nights, I always win, I always win

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I’m still not sure what I stand for
Oh, what do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don’t know

So this is it? I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
I miss my mom and dad for this?

No. When I see stars, when I see, when I see stars, that’s all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like this one, so come on
Oh, come on. Oh, come on. Oh, come on.

Well, this is it guys, that is all
Five minutes in and I’m bored again
Ten years of this, I’m not sure if anybody understands
This one is not for the folks at home
Sorry to leave, mom, I had to go
Who the fuck wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun?

My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she call “love”
But when I look into my nephew’s eyes…
Man, you wouldn’t believe the most amazing things that can come from
Some terrible lies

The other night, you wouldn’t believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up, but we’d both agree
It’s for the best you didn’t listen
It’s for the best we get our distance
It’s for the best you didn’t listen
It’s for the best we get our distance

Put on your sunglasses, get in your car, hit the interstate, and turn it up.

Worst To First

This is the greatest 6 minutes currently on YouTube.

It perfectly captures one of the most incredible stories in the history of all sports.

It made me want to jump up and down on my couch with my Terrible Towel.

And that shot at 2:14 is BEAUTIFUL.

Also, I never heard the Ave Maria part before.

And at 5:24, when the guy says, “I think it made Pittsburghers proud to be Pittsburghers,” my eyes welled up.

Now I’m homesick as fuck. For real. This is like a Mary level of homesickness.

I just wanna watch some KDKA before bed.

The wedding is 33 days away. And I cannot wait to come flying through the tunnel and see the city pop out in front of me. And spend the whole weekend downtown surrounded by lifelong yinzers.

The “32 or pregnant” thing still stands.

I cannot possibly settle down in any other place. My love for everything that comes with being a Pittsburgh resident overrides anything else that may be attractive about living in another place. I don’t even care that it just snowed.

It is the only place that’s ever felt like HOME.

And I will forever be proud of my ferocious love for the Steelers, Penguins, and Pirates.

I don’t care that this is actually the most annoying song on the entire planet. It makes my chest hurt from homesicky happiness. And given any opportunity to do so, I will forever be singing it at the top of my lungs with every other Pittsburgher around me.

And the most amazing feeling in the world is that moment when you’re surrounded by people in Steelers gear after a critical touchdown has been scored and everyone is whipping their Terrible Towel around like they never have before. NOTHING can beat that. Absolutely nothing.

To everyone else, we seem crazy. So go ahead and judge us. But I will unashamedly uphold the time-honored traditions of Steeler Nation. It’s been part of my soul since birth.

Let me remind you… It’s not crazy. It’s sports.

Post update: text conversation with my dad

Dad: I don’t do Facebook. Can you email me the URL for the Franco YouTube?
Me: Haha yeah. How do you know about it if you don’t have Facebook?
Dad: Word is passing around the family.

Hahahaha. That is so my family. If you want to know why I am the way I am, look to this as insight into what it’s like to be born into a family of Steelers fans.

My Roaring Twenties

I love NPR.

This article explains so much about myself and the people I know. I kinda wanna read the book now. Gotta find the time to do that first, though.

2 years ago, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and I was wasting my time and potential at a job that I hated.

1 year ago, I was becoming increasingly frustrated in my relationship with a guy who absolutely did not have his twenties figured out at all (even though he’s 2.5 years older than me) and always put me at #837 on his priority list.

6 months ago, I was spending more money each month on alcohol and fun times than I was on anything else in my budget (other than rent).

I can honestly say that today I feel like I finally have my shit together… based on what healthy twenty year olds are generally striving for (according to that article/book).

I know what I want to do, who I want to be, and who I want to be with. And making choices that fail to meet those criteria is now unacceptable to me.

The first half of my twenties were invaluable in terms of learning experiences so I don’t want to think of them as disastrous. Without those years, I wouldn’t be here with my feet solidly planted on the ground. Mistakes were made that I’m only now beginning to realize were mistakes. But at least I’m headed in the right direction. And I’m absolutely going to make more mistakes before I’m 30 because that’s just life. But it’s good to realize that I’ve at least learned something about a few things and feel prepared for what’s next.

I think it’s absolutely true that you change the most during your twenties. Before then, everything is theoretical. Living, like nursing, has a steep learning curve. You can know all the theory inside and out but when you actually get your hands on the stuff and have to do it, it’s a whole new ball game. You realize that, in reality, you’re back at square one in terms of knowing what’s going on. And only when you actually begin doing it for real are you able to develop some sort of competency.

The beginning is a rush of stress and new lessons every day. And for that reason, you do change a lot. You find out that what you’ve been or known or done up to that point does not apply to the reality of living real life in the real world. But eventually you gain experience and hit your stride and things fall into place the way they’re supposed to. Essentially, you don’t know what fits you best until you try several things on. Very few people ever get it right the first time. Having theories about real life and living real life are two very different things.

Everyone has different ways they want to live and things they want to accomplish. So I think it’s unfair for outsiders to compare two people in their twenties based on “milestones.” What I like about this article/book is that it seems to be more focused on anxiety levels of twenty-somethings and not necessarily whether they’re able to maintain a serious relationship or other things twenty-somethings are supposed to become adept at.

If you’re unhappy, then yes, your inability to maintain a serious relationship is something that should be explored.

But if you are happy with every aspect of your life (and aren’t actually unhappy while telling yourself you are happy), then who cares if you don’t ever have a long-term significant other or don’t work your way up in the company or any other “goal” of adulthood.

I think the twenties are where you figure out what you want in life and when you want it. As long as you’re happy with that, then you’re probably a healthy twenty-something.

In terms of my “milestones,” I’m a little behind. But I feel like I’m ahead of a lot of people because I’m on the path to reaching them. It seems like a lot of other people are unhappily trying to fulfill theirs through the incorrect means and just for the sake of doing what they’re supposed to do as a young adult.

I think I prematurely hit my quarter-life crisis because I don’t have that sense of feeling lost or hopeless or anxious anymore and I’m not even close to being done with my twenties. I came to terms with what was making me unhappy and what I was worried about and dealt with it. Everything was wrong, so I fixed it. Granted, I’m certainly not at the point I want to be yet. But my plan for how to get there has yet to fail so I don’t feel distressed anymore.

As long as you’re happily working toward something, I don’t think you’re in the crisis phase anymore.

Also, as I indicated before, that “something” is different for everyone.

In term of my QLC, I guess it’s possible that this is just the calm before the storm and the real crisis hasn’t happened yet. Hopefully that’s not the case. Really though… there’s no point in worrying about the “what ifs” because overly planning for the future can cause as much anxiety as not planning for the future at all.

And finally, once you “get your shit together” (i.e. figure out what you want and start making it happen), that doesn’t mean everything has to get serious all of a sudden. I think that was my biggest hurdle. I entered my twenties with the idea that this was my last chance to have fun so I was gonna have as much fun as possible and nothing else really mattered. But that’s kind of an empty life, honestly. Once I got my goals back on track, I actually had more fun having less fun. The time I was out having fun was better appreciated and seemed more fun, I guess.

When I graduate from nursing school, I’m going right back to spending lovely drunken nights with my friends because I have no responsibilities for anything other than myself. But the reason it’s going to be enjoyable is because there are so many other things in my life that make me happy as well. “Having fun and living it up while you can” is not a real fulfilling goal. You always feel some kind of emptiness when that’s your sole priority. It’s good to be fulfilled in other ways. When “fun” is your defining activity, it ceases to be fun. It’s so transient. I guess that’s why.

When I’m 80, I’m going to think back to the 2007-2017 decade and know that it was the most ridiculous 10 years of my life for several reasons, I think. Who knows though. I’m kind of prone to ridiculousness. Although, I think that if it continues into my 30s, it’s going to be like “spontaneously moved to Peru and then traveled throughout the rest of the world because I had no reason not to” ridiculous. And that’s a good thing.

Here’s some semi-related life insight from Sabrina:

Strength is not about what you have, it’s about what you give.

Die Then Grow

1) Clinical is pretty damn awesome. Even though it’s lots of sleep deprivation (like yesterday I had a clinical day then 10 hours of clinical paperwork to do afterwards then had to be back at the hospital at 6:30 this morning), I’m calmer and happier than I’ve been in years.

2) Here’s a dose of the Avett Brothers since I haven’t given you one in awhile:

So, I watched as those who ask for love, demanding some respect
Became the last in line to have what they come to expect
As what nobody taught them that they so rightly deserve
And the hums of their misfortune peaked, the hardest lesson learned

3) “I’m still young! But I’m not that young.”

This guy pretty much hits the nail on the head when it comes to describing what it’s like to be 24.

I don’t want to get married. But I can see myself settling down in a few years if I met the right girl.

Used to drink heavily, now it’s a rare occurrence

Doesn’t matter if i stumble, I’m on my parents insurance

Gotta hit the gym ’cause I’m losing my agility

No joke: last summer there was a week where my tailbone hurt for no reason. And I mentioned it to my mom. Her response, verbatim, was:

Well, you’re 24. You’re getting to that age where you start to have aches and pains for no reason.

WHAT?! It was a rude awakening. I kind of felt like those things didn’t happen until you’re 40. And so, on that day, I think I accepted mortality. Feelings of invincibility have long since passed.

4) For the record… I do, in fact like Greg and Donny better than Pittsburgh Dad. But it’s way old news and there are no new episodes. So, why would I blog about it? Hmm? And I’m not sure why people always have to make things a competition between two preferences when there’s nothing wrong with liking both. Also, Pittsburgh Dad is the funniest thing on Twitter.

5) Speaking of the Pens… I couldn’t watch the game due to clinical stuff. But I checked the score when it was over. WHAT HAPPENED?! 10 goals is outrageous. I fell on the floor from happiness and definitely need to see this game at some point in my life.

6) I need a house husband. Duties of a house husband:
- Make me breakfast, pack my lunch, and cook dinner
- Clean the house, run errands, and pay bills
- Record Pens games so I can watch them when I have time
- Work out every day and stay hot
- Give me massages when my upper back hurts from stress

7) Today I learned about cornbread dressing and other differences between Thanksgiving in the south and the one I’ve always known. Food is just better here. In pretty much every way. I mean, baked mac n cheese instead of steamed vegetables?! I CAN’T WAIT FOR THIS. Obviously don’t have enough days off to go home but I’m not sad about it at all anymore.

Lord Have Mercy

Sunday was essentially everything I’ve ever wanted a Sunday to be. It was exactly how life should be lived.

Rachel’s mom was wearing a shirt that said, “Alabama girls know that sometimes all you can say is ‘Lord have mercy!’” I love southern moms.

For a good portion of the day, we just sat on their pier and fished but didn’t catch anything because it was the middle of the day. But it was still a damn good time. We were drinking a little too. A mix of quality beer and cheap beer. Like Blue Moon followed by Busch Light (which I’d never had before in my life) followed by Sweetwater 420 followed by PBR. It was 89 degrees and sunny. Love.

Then we ate. Every backyard BBQ I go to down here is amazing. The food is better than any BBQ place you can go to up north. We had magically delicious wings, ribs, and burgers. And the best baked beans I’ve ever had in my life. And hushpuppies and fried okra. And a ton of other stuff but those were the highlights. Plus, it’s just nice to sit at a big table full of people and feel happy to be alive.

As far as I can tell, all southern dads have their own “secret BBQ recipe” that they’re super proud of. It’s so funny. But damn, that pride is totally justified. You don’t know how good food can be until you move to Alabama.

Then we went blackberry picking. The goal was to get enough for a cobbler. Unfortunately, we didn’t. But the experience was still a dream come true.

I stepped on the edge of a fire ant colony by accident and got stung on my foot and ankle couple times. The ants are kind of hard to remove quickly. It didn’t hurt nearly as bad as I imagined it would though. But the little red bumps are still outrageously itchy 4 days after the incident.

I love new experiences. I’ve had a lifelong uneasiness about fire ants because they always seemed really vicious on the Discovery channel. But now I know that they’re no big deal.

One activity I refuse to ever experience is noodling. Rachel’s dad asked me if I wanted to do it and I was like “No way.” Then he said the banks were full of catfish and tried to convince me it wasn’t that bad. Clearly the man doesn’t understand my aversion to live catfish. I do not want any part of my hand or arm to be inside of one.

I can’t wait to see a gator in real life though!

Here are some pictures that I took with my phone from the pier. Rachel’s parents live up a creek about half a mile from the actual river. Their place is really nice and the decision to build a house on the creek and not the river was a good one, I think. It’s so quiet and peaceful. But if you want to get to the river, you just hop in a kayak and you’re there. Added bonus: they’re only 30 minutes from the beach.

That’s Cricket. She gets super alert and barks like crazy whenever people come past in boats, canoes, and kayaks. She’s the queen of that part of the creek and won’t even let other dogs get on the pier. It’s hilarious.

Long story short: I want every Sunday of my life to be a backyard BBQ with fishing/drinking in the sunshine and blackberry picking. I have really minimal/simple needs.

I want Alabama and Pittsburgh to somehow become the same place. Or for teleportation to be real. Because then I could do things like wake up at my Alabama river house, go to the Buccos home opener (I miss PNC Park already) and end the day at Belve’s, then be back to sleep at my Alabama river house and go kayaking the next day.

Stress About America, Not Marriage

So… State of the Union drinking game… I got a little too drunk. Thank goodness we didn’t have class today. Before you judge me, keep in mind that the outlook has been kind of bleak as of late. Empty promises and false hope all across the board. It’s a difficult thing to stomach without significant intoxication.

The weird thing about my drunk habits is that I always overdress for bedtime. On a sober night, I just sleep in undies and a t-shirt. After a drunk night, I wake up wearing every article of clothing I own. This morning, I got out of bed wearing my Steelers sweats, an IUP t-shirt, and a Penn State hoodie. My intoxicated dressing habits indicate that I’m subconsciously missing the homeland A LOT.

Speaking of home…

‘Cause it’s a long and rugged road
And we don’t know where it’s headed
But we know it’s gonna get us where we’re going
And when we find what we’re looking for
We’ll drop these bags and search no more
‘Cause it’s gonna feel like heaven when we’re home
- The Wailin’ Jennys

Relevant (from 10/2/11): Maybe I need to go everywhere not because I’m a transient non-settler but because I actually believe in home and settling more than anything so I’m desperately searching for exactly the right place?

And the truth is I’ve been dreaming of some tired tranquil place
Where the weather won’t get trapped inside my bones
And if all these years of searching, I find one sympathetic face
Then it’s there I’ll plant these seeds and make my home
- June on the West Coast, Bright Eyes

Yep. More than three months later, I can conclude that the previous sentiment was, in fact, an accurate assessment.

This is also why I have real problems with even getting to the point of considering a relationship with a guy. I mean, some of that does have to do with the Matt disaster, but even before him, I refused to date anyone seriously because I just didn’t like any of them enough. I’m picky, but it’s because I believe in passionate living way too much. And I’m not going to settle down in a place or with a person until I know it’s absolutely worthwhile… in that it has the potential to be exactly right.

A huge part of me knows that home is Pittsburgh because I guess that’s my ultimate goal but there’s obviously something else that’s pulling me away from Pittsburgh and making me need to explore everything. Maybe it’s so I know, with certainty, that Pittsburgh is the place? Maybe I have to know for certain that what I’m looking for isn’t someplace else and that it was in Pittsburgh the whole time. Or I guess the other possibility is that it isn’t Pittsburgh and that’s the reason I left. Which makes me sad because I want it to be Pittsburgh. But obviously, the reason I didn’t stay is because my soul is in search of something else. Or maybe Pittsburgh is the place but I’m subconsciously in search of the person to establish a sense of home with. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m here in Mobile right now. And probably half starting over in New Orleans next January. And then going from there.

It’s hard to feel panicked about anything when you don’t even know what it is that you’re looking for.

And the fact that girls are starting to become afraid of the fact that they might end up as a lonely crazy cat lady with a tedious life is insanity to me. First of all, I would never let my life become lonely because I inherently just stumble across good people who become my lifelong friends. Secondly, I’m never going to have cats. I generally hate them. I might be a crazy dog lady, I guess. That doesn’t even sound so bad though. Thirdly, tedious? Yeah, that’s not gonna happen either. I don’t know how it’s possible to feel like life is uneventful when there’s so much to do and see. And there are always ways you can channel your boredom into helping other people also.

So, I guess even in the worst case scenario of perpetually being single until I die, life still seems pretty damn awesome. Still getting a boat no matter what happens. And having the time and resources and lack of obligations to allow me to actually travel the world regularly seems awesome too. Life is what you make of it. Don’t be stressing about how you feel like you’re not going to get what you want. Make it what you want, no matter what the situation is.

Plus, I feel like all guys our age are just developmentally behind in some way. They don’t have the same values or motivation. I’m tired of babysitting. But I’m not ready to date 30 year olds either. Maybe in another 3-4 years I will be. We’ll see what happens.

So, all that stress that’s out there… I just don’t feel it or understand it. I really really have no idea why everyone else is FREAKING OUT about this. Let’s all just relax, ladies. Don’t define yourself by the existence of men in your life. Live it up. That’s what our twenties were for. Honestly, once you have that first kid, your little black dresses will never look the same, if you can even fit back into them at all. And you won’t have time to go out and wear them either. I’m really seeing no perks of being married right now. It all seems like one big disadvantage to me. Date men, yes. Marry them, no. Freak out about not being married, DEFINITELY NOT.

Various and Sunday

Sunday is the best day of the week. I’m a productivity monster. Avett Brothers (and similar things) all afternoon.

Although, I’m kind of wishing I’d just gone to nursing school in Pittsburgh because going to nursing school while living in Mobile basically requires every ounce of self-discipline I have. Thank goodness I was a ballerina for so long. Otherwise, this wouldn’t be possible. It’s summer all the time here.

I went to brunch with a super cute guy and then he was going fishing afterwards and he invited me and I couldn’t go because I have an exam tomorrow and need to study all day. And saying no to that was THE MOST DIFFICULT THING I’VE EVER DONE. Brunch then fishing. Sounds like the best damn Sunday ever.

Every morning, I wake up and natural sunshine light is flooding my bedroom because I have super high ceilings and tons of huge windows and I just want to lay there happily ever after instead of getting up to go sit in a classroom for 7 hours.

And I know that this is exactly what I want and what I’ve worked toward for the last 1.5 years, so I know I just have to suck it up and get it done. But damn. When the alternatives to studying are kayaking and fishing and running on amazing cross-country trails and biking and hanging out on the pier and chilling on a boat and napping outside on the patio (in January?!) and going to New Orleans and going to Mississippi and eating crab cakes and digging up lily pads for your friend’s pond, your body goes into like “no studying ever” shock.

It’s the simplest and most relaxing existence ever. I should have moved to Alabama six years ago. I probably would have failed college though. The only reason I’m not failing nursing school is because I don’t have all those other college distractions (like excessive drinking, co-ed mingling, sporting events, volunteer activities, etc.) on top of the Gulf Coast distractions.

Another issue with studying is that my apartment has 10 billion places to fall asleep. I have a 7 foot couch, a 6 foot couch, a love seat, a huge comfy chair, a papasan chair, and patio furniture. They’re all amazing places to study but also have incredible potential to knock you out. And my office is the sunshiniest part of the apartment so of course I never get anything done in there. I’ve decided against getting a hammock. It would cripple my work ethic.

This like being in love with with someone for the first time (which I think I mentioned at some point a few days ago). I’m smiley and distracted and fluttery and all of that all at once every day. I’m so in love with life that I can’t get anything done most of the time.

11 more months. Then I’ll be living in New Orleans and working 12 hour shifts just 3-4 days a week and every single second that I’m not working will be spent on all the activities I have to skip right now.

Here’s a rundown of happy Sunday songs and videos. You’ll smile and laugh, I promise.

Long Time Gone by Tim O’Brien and Darrell Scott
Prison Bones by Matt the Electrician
(Turn Out The Lights And) Love Me Tonight by The Tennessee Boltsmokers

Civil Disservice from the Daily Show a few days ago

Various And Sundry

Prepare for the onslaught. There’s a lot of stuff in here. I’m considering putting an index at the beginning so you can just skip to what you want haha.

Just to get this out of the way, here’s the Ryan Adams road mix that I promised to post forever ago.

And I think I might do my nursing practicum in the neuro ICU. It just feels like the right decision which is weird because I didn’t think I’d feel so inclined toward something so early. I wanna test reflexes every two hours. I think being an orthopedic surgical nurse would be sweet too though. I love muscles and bones. It seems like everyone else in my program wants to do labor and delivery. I’m personally terrified (probably irrationally) of that clinical rotation. I’m pretty sure I can handle most types of trauma and all the blood and/or exposed insides that comes with it but I know for a fact that I can’t handle a dead baby. It’s too devastatingly sad. They didn’t get a chance to live AT ALL. The second saddest thing in the world is a mom who died giving birth to a baby. And I know that most moms/babies are ok. But everyone sees at least either a dead mom or a dead baby during their OB/L&D rotation and I am definitely not looking forward to it. I’m too emotionally weak. The other thing that’s appealing about the neuro ICU is that it’s quiet and calm but there’s also a lot of pressure because people are only in the ICU if they’re in some kind of critical condition. I need pressure or else my life falls apart.

Homesickness update: still hasn’t stopped. It’s ups and downs. Last night when I was out, I heard Don’t Stop Believing and then Bohemian Rhapsody and I really just wanted to be drunk singing at Bar11 with everyone in Pittsburgh instead of people in Mobile. And I think the reason I’m homesick for the first time ever is because of how things were when I left (with the whole “not really being on good terms with some people because of the Matt aftermath tension” thing) and the subsequent realization that we didn’t really have the long-term friendships that I thought we did. So, it’s not just that I’m sad I’m not in Pittsburgh right now. It’s moreso the fact that when I go back, it’s not going to be the same at all. I’m more sad about the end of an era than I am about being in Alabama because I do actually freaking love it here. Yesterday, I had something that was basically the equivalent of a grilled cheese sandwich with bacon, a crab cake, and a fried green tomato. Previously, I thought that whiskey was the most delicious thing in the world. This grilled cheese crab cake thing was better. Whiskey, you are now #2.

I also realized how much I love being single in my mid-twenties and forced to meet new people and have new experiences as a result of this move. I have a closet full of little black dresses and definitely more heels and pearls than I need and I love living it up right now because I know this moment is fleeting. These are  my Audrey Hepburn days or something and I’m going out with as many charming southern men as I can before they’re over. Although, I still feel weird about the guys always opening doors for me and such. I don’t know if that will ever go away. I also kind of feel bad that I have no intentions to be serious with any of them. You’d really have to hardcore sweep me off my feet to get me into a relationship right now. I’m way too broken for that currently.

“Never love a wild thing, Mr. Bell,” Holly advised him. ‘That was Doc’s mistake. He was always lugging home wild things. A hawk with a hurt wing. One time it was a full-grown bobcat with a broken leg. But you can’t give your heart to a wild thing: the more you do, the stronger they get. Until they’re strong enough to run into the woods. Or fly into a tree. Then a taller tree. Then the sky. That’s how you’ll end up, Mr. Bell. If you let yourself love a wild thing. You’ll end up looking at the sky.”
- Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Truman Capote

And JoePa’s first interview is up. And I have that sickness in my stomach again. And my heart hurts a little again. But not as bad as before. I feel like the interview isn’t resolving anything for me. Probably because the whole thing is just irresolvable and I’ll forever have mixed feelings about it.

Football isn’t life. Sports aren’t life. But I’m weirdly starting to realize that they’re probably more important than I want to admit. They’re so socially and culturally critical to me. And also in general, I guess. As a Latin American Studies kid in college, we always talked about the soccer culture and it’s importance in Central and South America. And we know what sports ancient civilizations used to play and how it related to their values, beliefs, etc. It seems neanderthal-ish to think about it like this because I feel like whenever you see or hear a person taking any given sporting event way too seriously, you tend to think they’re some kind of backwards unintelligent person or something. Kind of like how a lot of people think Steelers fans are all primitive working class people (there’s not even anything wrong with being working class) from Western PA.

Maybe we do take football too seriously there though. I guess I’ve always heard that football in Pittsburgh is bigger than football in most places, but I haven’t lived in enough places to know for sure. This article was probably the most recent thing I read that mentioned the Pittsburgh/football connection. And the Pittsburgh Dad Steelers episode was pretty much dead on which is why it’s hilarious (although, all Pittsburgh Dad episodes would be better without the laugh track). I mean, pretty solid proof of the fact that Pittsburghers love football more than air is probably the entire pick-up sports season of 2008-2009. No matter what we started playing, we always ended up playing football… to the point that we just started playing football every week and didn’t try to pretend like we were going to play anything else. And at first, I was kinda bummed. To me, it was like “Damn yinzers and their football. Why can’t we keep playing capture the flag?” The only thing I love more than pick-up football in the mud is capture the flag. If it was a professional sport, I’d be an all-star. It should be a professional sport. One of my life goals is probably to make it a professional sport. I don’t know how watchable it is though. I guess it’s not really anything that spectators could get into. Shannon and I would find a way to make it entertaining though. We rocked that shit. By the time this happens, I’ll probably be too old to play in the NCTFL but I can be the commissioner. After a summer of being a camp counselor, I have the expertise. The only foreseeable negative about professional CTF is the fact that training would probably entirely consist of running suicides. What other kind of training do you do need? CTF requires sprinting, slowing down or stopping briefly to pick up the flag, then sprinting again. Sometimes you have to push people if you play unethically. I guess there’s also some agility and quick momentum shifts to avoid or catch people but suicides pretty much cover that too.  Maybe you’re thinking, “Psh, what’s wrong with suicides?” Are you SERIOUS? Everything about them is terrible. That’s why they’re called suicides. I will admit that they help you reach nirvana though. Like in that moment where you really think you’re going to collapse instead of being able to touch the line and start running again, you somehow pull it off then enter into an out of body experience where all life’s answers are revealed to you. It’s probably because you’re experiencing pre-death events.

Anyway, if I was commissioner, Pittsburgh would obviously have one of the first CTF teams and it’d be an easy transition for fans because I’d name them the Pittsburgh Stealers (best name for a CTF team ever, right?) even though that might cause some confusion. But everyone could wear their regular Steelers gear and just put an A over the second E at CTF games. People wear their Steelers gear to Pirates games already anyway. And Pens stuff too. It’s the only thing that makes them feel better at the end of the game when the Pirates have lost again, I guess. Although, for awhile last season, you saw less and less Steelers/Pens stuff and more Pirates shirts/jerseys because people were getting excited about baseball again. People actually started going to games too. They didn’t even have $1 hot dog night anymore and PNC Park was still selling out. That obviously didn’t last forever though. The final game I went to was the August 5th one where they lost to the Padres by like 10 runs. During the 6th inning, we made the wave go around 20-ish times (the record for a professional sports game, probably) and people were cheering for it every time it was headed to their section. Yeah, people were cheering for the wave and not the team. And then at the end, people started chanting stuff about the Steelers. And in that moment, I realized we were back to Pirates games the way they’d always been my whole life and everyone had given up again. A CTF team in Pittsburgh would give people another thing to be joyful about and would lessen the baseball pain. In Pittsburgh, maybe we’re too serious about sports in general.

I see it more as dedication/love though. If it’s critical to our social/cultural experience and relationships with people (more on that later), then it makes sense that we’re serious about it. We should be serious about it because relationships are important. Two Steelers fans e-mailed me with criticism about the Jesus and the Steelers post. And despite the criticism, it made me smile because I love that people love the Steelers. I’m shocked that anyone ever reads this stuff though. The first person pointed out that the whole Ben rape case thing is water under the bridge at this point. And I most certainly agree. Most of that post was totally ridiculous/unserious. I mean, I kind of wrote a fake Bible verse. That’s straight up heresy. The second person said that I shouldn’t hate on Sepulveda for always being hurt. And first of all, I didn’t really hate. Maybe I sounded bitter but it wasn’t real hate. I’m just bummed because he’s the most badass punter in the NFL so it sucks that he can’t play… ever. In the 5 seasons he’s been a Steeler, he’s been hurt 3 times. I guess my opinion is that we should just get a new starting punter which sucks because, as I said, he’s awesome. Remember the fake punt pass versus the Titans? Badass. And when I was looking for a something on YouTube to prove the normal Christianity thing, I found a clip that was basically him signing autographs and the guy who’s taking the video says to his kid, “It’s Sepulveda, the punter. Look at the guns on the punter,” which is hilarious (I actually laughed out loud) and it also proves that I’m not the only one who thinks that Sepulveda is the most badass punter in the NFL. And that means that the Steelers are the best team in the NFL because even our punter is a superhero. Maybe I’m just a biased Steelers fan. I don’t actually know anything about punting. I’m pretty sure all Steelers fans think they’re experts about everything. Watch that Pittsburgh Dad episode again and think about any conversation you’ve ever had at work or a bar you’ll realize that it’s the truth. We care. A lot.

But seriously, you should have seen the Alabama fans leading up to the game on Monday and then afterwards. They’re at least equal with us. Apparently, they Roll Tide, Roll during Sweet Home Alabama. I was at the bar last night when I found this out (because they were all doing it) and immediately I wanted to be an Alabama fan so I could be a part of that. And I think that was the first twinge of “sports are important” because I started to think about it’s cultural significance and unification factor. I got kinda homesick again because it’s exactly like when Sweet Caroline comes on in a Pittsburgh bar and everyone yells “Let’s Go Pitt” and “Go Pitt” and such at the appropriate times. In those moments, no matter who you are or where you’re from or why you love Pitt, you’re all in that boat together. It’s kind of a spiritual experience. Like that same feeling people get from religion.

It’s the same way at actual games. It’s better at games, actually. Because not only are you all there in that one place together, but you all feel the same things. You all feel the disbelief when your QB throws an interception and you also all feel the tension when you need a TD to win and there’s like 20 seconds left. And then the explosive joy when they get that TD and you’re hugging the stranger next to you. Football (and sports in general) just brings people together. The best moments of my life were those in the Oakland Zoo during tight games when Pitt pulled it off. There really aren’t words to adequately describe that sheer happiness or universality you feel with everyone else that’s there with you. And college basketball is my #1 favorite sport to watch so of course it always felt super epic.

It’s heartbreaking when it’s bad though. One night, after one of Pitt’s more devastating March Madness losses, crazy things happened. People got drunk. Real drunk. It was serious drinking. NO ONE remembered what happened  the next day… other than the fact that we lost, obviously. Someone (NOT ME, for the record) got pregnant. Yeah, that drunk. Sad drunk. I never want to be that kind of drunk again. Your team consistently way underperforming during the tournament is not something that you ever get used to so I’ll probably be that kind of sad drunk again at some point. I also remember when Pitt was playing Cincinnati for the Big East football championship and they blew a HUGE lead. They were up by like more than 3 touchdowns. Here I am FREEZING MY ASS OFF with everyone else (because it was the first day it snowed that year and we were underprepared) and then they go and lose like that. Thanks, Pitt football. You suck. All the time. But at least we were all cold and sad together.

Sports are one of the few lifetime constants. It doesn’t matter which sport(s) you love or what your favorite team is. A lot of times, your fandom is given to you the day you’re born and you carry it with you until you die and it’s passed down over generations and generations of people. My grandfather has Alzheimer’s pretty badly and he’s really out of it a lot of times and often agitated by the fact that he can’t remember anything or live the way he used to, but when you turn on a PSU or Steelers football game, it’s like nothing is different. And apparently Nonnie prays for the coaches/players of our teams which is hilarious/adorable to me. She’s been praying for JoePa for years and years and then I just found out from Mary that she prays for Ben Roethlisberger every day too and has been even before the rape scandal. And that’s one of the reasons I love her so much. If anyone else did that, I’d probably think it was a little ridiculous. But she’s Nonnie and that’s just what she does. She’s a hardcore prayer. And the most perfect person I’ve ever known and probably ever will know.

My mom and dad used to sing a lullaby version of Fight On, State to us when they rocked us to sleep. I’m pretty sure both my siblings and I took my parents’ original Terrible Towel to school for show and tell at least a few times each which irritated all the Bills fans we grew up with. I also remember taking the Jaromir Jagr peanut butter. A few summers ago, Matt took me on a romantic afternoon/evening date that started with a picnic and ended with Steelers training camp. And even though I hate him now, it was one of the best days of my life. My mom talks about how she was pregnant with me during the 1987 Fiesta Bowl when Penn State won the national championship and jokingly says that she was probably depriving me of oxygen because she kept holding her breath. Sports are linked to stories and memories and landmarks in time.

Here’s proof that this stuff is indoctrinated at birth. I was born a Penn State fan and I will die that way too. Have you hugged your Nittany Lion today?

And the other thing that made Penn State football so special and damn important as a social/cultural/life influence was the fact that it was all about integrity and that’s probably why the whole scandal thing rocked my world because the integrity thing is now partially undermined. A huge amount of my values and work ethic were influenced by JoePa (the man is/was a legend) and the Penn State football program and now it kind of feels like all of that is forever tainted. I don’t think it’s right that they fired him the way they did and I don’t think that he’s the person who’s most at fault in this and I do think that he got thrown under the bus… but on the other hand, it’s definitely true that he could have and should have done more. This is child rape. That’s not something you mess around with or hesitate to take care of in anyway.

Still, we’re human. We make huge mistakes. Don’t just assume that you would have acted any better or done anything differently. The diffusion of responsibility is a pretty well studied phenomenon.

I think it’s ridiculous to now be ignoring everything that JoePa has done for his players and the community and the university and college sports and even sports in general. On a personal level, he is incredibly responsible for everything I believe about motivation and success and people’s inherent worth.

Believe deep down in your heart that you’re destined to do great things.
- Joe Paterno

The article that went with the interview pointed out so many things/characteristics that I love about JoePa and I really do believe that he’s a guy who lived with integrity/honor/decency at his core and taught that to everyone. He was incredibly grounded and influential. Because of him, integrity, honor, and decency are so deeply ingrained in me that I will never be able to live my life without those guiding principles and I’m a better person because of it. He taught me about teamwork and humbleness. But also pride and confidence at the same time. And I’m just a Penn State football fan. Who knew how deeply he impacted the people who actually knew him. He was a great man. He’s been my hero for the last 24 years and I refuse to condemn everything about him just because of a situation that revealed to us that he’s human. Everyone else can hate him and blame him and sentence him to live the rest of his life without the respect he deserves. But I recognize that most of us wouldn’t have done much better in the situation because people suck in general. We fail each other in huge ways. I think Joe has done more good for the world than bad. And that’s how you measure someone’s value.

All his words that I lived by are a little bit tainted now though. I will love him and respect him for the rest of my life but things are a lot different in the aftermath. And it’s going to be weird to be a Penn State fan without JoePa as the coach but it’s still Penn State football and I will love it just as much as I always have.

This makes me feel a lot better anyway.

Its the name on the front of the jersey that matters most, not the one on the back.
- Joe Paterno

I’m really optimistic about coach O’Brien preserving the JoePa legacy.

WE ARE PENN STATE.

We will forever be Penn State.

I think I’m finally out of things to say. But I’ll leave yinz with my favorite quote from the interview/article…

My thing was play as hard as you can, don’t be stupid, pay attention to details, and have enough guts in the clutch that you’re not afraid to make a play.

That’s some damn good advice for life in general and applies to basically every life scenario. Don’t be stupid. Pay attention to details. And have enough guts in the clutch that you’re not afraid to make a play.

Football isn’t exactly life… but they sure do have a lot of things in common. Lots of lessons and lots of ups and downs.

And even though I’m 1,000 miles away from everyone, our teams make me feel close to them. Which is why I took the Steelers loss so badly this year, probably. At this point, as long as both the Ravens and the Pats lose, I’m happy. Also, someone fix the Pens. And Sidney Crosby

2012 Lessons: Near Failure Can Feel Like Real Failure

2011 was a year of humbling experiences. 2012 is going to be exactly the same, I guess.

First life altering lesson of the year: DO NOT wait until the night before to study for a grad level pharmacology exam.

I’m pretty sure I almost died last night. The stress took a solid 50 years off my cardiovascular health. 24 hours ago, I was a healthy 24 year old with regular blood pressure and no genetic predisposition to hypertension. Now, I feel like I’m on the verge of an MI. Someone write me a script for a beta blocker. I’m gonna get the dizzies and experience exercise intolerance, but at least I’ll be alive.

It made me realize, once again, that I’m not bionic. I kept ignoring the fact that studying needed to be done at some point because in my head, I was like “Oh, science. I’m awesome at that. I’ll just memorize some stuff and make a few flashcards and be good to go.” Errmm… GOOD GOD, DO NOT EVER THINK THAT WAY ABOUT ANYTHING. Just assume that you suck at everything (without letting it affect your self-esteem, obviously). 50% of my pride/ego (that I didn’t even realize I had until now) got blown apart and destroyed forever because about 45 minutes into the studying, everything fell apart and it was all downhill from there. I’ve felt like the world has been spinning all day. It’s not just regular exhaustion. It’s like physical exhaustion combined with complete loss of brain function. Some neurons must have exploded. I still pulled off the A though because that’s just how I roll so even though the consequences weren’t terrible, I still learned that I can never do it again because it’s not something I want to relive in any capacity. And I have no idea how I got the A anyway because really, I shouldn’t have been able to. It’s weird that what feels like near failure can still be as life altering as real failure. I think it’s because the real failure like flashes before your eyes and you prepare for it to the point that even if you don’t fail, you hardly feel any relief because as far as you were concerned, the failure was undoubtedly pending and unavoidable. It’s like accepting your fate before you go into battle or something. I will admit that near failure is still way better than real failure, obviously. I’m not trying to say they’re exactly equal.

Life floors me. I think it’s good to be knocked off your feet sometimes. It’s how you mature. It’s like the world has to say “I can break you if I want to,” and make you realize that’s the truth and then get you can get your shit together. I feel more grounded now. I think maybe you subconsciously feel invincible when you’re younger so that you can feel more capable and therefore more stable but really, you feel more stable when you realize you’re not invincible because maybe all along you knew you were delusional about the invincibility but didn’t want to acknowledge it. That was a rambling sentence and I’m pretty sure the end of it contradicted the beginning. Sigh. Too tired to sort that one out right now. Just roll with it.

Also, my Alabama license came in the mail today. How can New Jersey be such a commonly used fake ID when Alabama’s license exists? I think if I tried to get into a Pittsburgh bar with this, they wouldn’t let me in. It’s so thin and low-tech looking. No offense to the state of Alabama or anything. I was just a little surprised.

I guess I’m also a little homesick which is outrageously difficult for me to admit because I’ve always seen it as kind of a weakness (like studying early and stretching before running, both of which have obviously recently proven to be very necessary). And it’s also such a new feeling because I’ve never been homesick before. Even in Chile. In fact, when I got back from Chile at the end of the summer, I’d been so un-homesick there that I actually had to deal with debilitating reverse culture shock that lasted for a couple months.

I just wanna watch a Pens game at Mario’s or Hough’s with everyone. Sigh. I watched the Uncle Gordy YouTube video like 10 times today. I’m taking back that thing I said yesterday about not settling down there. Of course I will. Who am I kidding? Those are my roots. And Pittsburgh people are welcoming in their own way. Not as overtly friendly. But still decent/open people.

Although, despite the twinge of homesickness, I’m still really really happy here and I realized that I think I’m lucky to love life as much as I do. Mary and I have that inherent happiness in common.

Speaking of Mary, I guess she’s working on her Christianity post which will be posted soon. I’m desperately waiting to read because she has a really interesting perspective about the whole thing. But just to be honest/upfront and not misleading, I personally will never be religious again as long as I live probably. I spent way too much time trying to believe in that stuff and it never felt right. I never felt that “thing” that religious people feel. Plus, I refuse to believe in a loving God when there’s shit like this that exists:

Anytime you want your world to be rocked, just look up all of Kevin Carter’s photography. There’s no way I can believe in Christianity’s version of God because if the central belief is that God is love and love comes from God and he cares about us a great deal and all of that, then it doesn’t make sense that things like starving toddlers exist because what loving entity let’s anyone suffer like that, especially a toddler? No Christian has ever had a good answer for me on this. They can only respond with, “We’re not supposed to know all the answers right now,”  or some bullshit like that. And I’m just way to heartbroken about reality to be a Christian. Being religious makes me more confused/upset/angry than I am naturally so life is just easier to live this way.

Anyway, the reason I’m interested in what Mary’s gonna write is because I’m all about promoting general tolerance/acceptance and religious/Christian sanity. As I mentioned before, so many Christians in America are out of control about stuff and totally missing the main points about life and love and grace and forgiveness and heaven and all of that. Even if I don’t believe it, I at least know that they’re way off base from what the beliefs are actually supposed to be.

I respect the hell out of my sister and wish more people would practice Christianity the way she does. And if Christians like her are the majority, then you people need to start stepping up with a counterattack to the super conservative hateful insane Christians that seem to be running the show and get that shit back on track. I love the idea of a religion that promotes love, which is what Christianity is supposed to do. So, that’s why she’s guest blogging.

I’m gonna see if my friend Ashley wants to post anything here on the subject because she has a really great/rational/interesting view of Christianity as well. You can get an idea of her perspectives on religion here. She’s Christian. She currently attends Union Theological Seminary. And she’s bisexual. I hope I just blew your backwards conservative mind and/or offended you.

Ashley and Mary practice a type of Christianity where love is the central and most important thing. And even if I’m not a Christian myself, I totally respect the way they live their lives and think they’re wonderful/beautiful/amazing and that more Christians and people in general should be like them.

I don’t think that most other Christians know what love is at all.

The River Runs Slow. It’ll Go Where We Go

I think every life change comes with pros and cons. This move was obviously more pro than con though.

I’ve had amazing BBQ and seafood but even so, I think I might die without Chipotle.

In terms of beer though, everything is a pro. And that’s super important because good beer is critical to my existence. Last night, I had a ton of Abita and Sweetwater beers. Apparently, these southern breweries know how to do it right and I’ll never be the same. Yuengling is still #1 in my heart but damn… there’s some legitimate competition now. Go to Hough’s  RIGHT NOW and try every Abita selection they have. I don’t know if they have any Sweetwater stuff because I don’t remember specifically seeing it on the beer list but check anyway.

Also, listen to this. You’re welcome.

I think Abita/Sweetwater and Railroad Earth are tied for #1 on the list of most awesome things I’ve discovered in the past week. Looking forward to more discoveries. I’m loving life in every way.