Q&A

Q: A reality show about ballet?
A: YES!

Q: Could this PostSecret have been mine?
A: YES (but it wasn’t)

Q: Is tomorrow going to be a good day for soccer?
A: ABSOLUTELY

Also, that was basically the most horrifically stressful ending to a hockey game I’ve ever seen. But the outcome was good. And Fleury redeemed himself.

Why Don’t You Kick Yourself Out? You’re An Immigrant, Too

Icky Thump – The White Stripes

Tomorrow, while you’re out binge drinking and making a mockery of an Irish holiday (I’ll be doing the same), I want you to think about how you’re benefitting from the diversity that was brought to this country via immigration.

Unless you’re 100% Native American, some (if not all) of your ancestors have come from somewhere else. And many of them weren’t welcome when they got here for a lot of the same ignorant reasons that are at the root of the Mexican immigration issue.

We’re a country of immigrants and every new group of people that has come to America has added something invaluable… politically, culturally, economically, etc.

I think we need a 2012 immigration policy update. Americans everywhere are already using the Cinco de Mayo holiday as an excuse to get drunk and eat tacos so I find it to be outrageously fucked up that citizenship is so unobtainable to so many Mexicans who want it. It’s like, “Here… let’s bastardize your holiday and also keep you from coming to America. We want your culture but not you.”

Semi-relevant: This border patrol promotional video is so ridiculous that I thought it was fake at first. It’s such messed up propaganda. I saw a border patrol SUV for the first time yesterday and it was unsettling.

My bitterness today is a combination of seeing the border patrol in real life, reading Marisol’s policy thesis on immigration stuff (she’s going to change the world, by the way), and also organizing my old Latin American studies books on the new bookcase (everything came flooding back).

But moving on to happier things because I’m really truly not trying to be Debbie Downer here…

LEHIGH BEAT DUKE!!!! I definitely went through all the steps of an elation-induced collapse. I’m outrageously happy.

Unfortunately, St. Bonaventure didn’t fare so well earlier in the day. They were dominating so awesomely and then somehow lost the game. Bitter heartbreak. Thank goodness Lehigh is helping me to forget that pain.

My dad called me after the Lehigh game was over and he was basically giddy. My dad is kind of emotionally flat normally. But not when it comes to Lehigh beating Duke, I guess.

While I’m on the “let’s look at old pictures” kick… Here’s one of me and Mary on the Lehigh campus back in the day.

We were definitely being baby adults and having some kind of deep intellectual conversation about life. This will forever be one of my favorite pictures of us.

I also associate Lehigh with soccer (and therefore love) in my brain because that’s where my first soccer memories took place.

That ball was a fake though! It was soft and had stuffing inside. We didn’t get a real one until I was like 5. #oldestchildproblems

Also, my hair is super stupid in that picture. I’m glad I get to make my own style decisions now. Everyone wants to be a kid again but I’m quite content being 24.

I’m 3.5 months away from 25! That’s insane. 25 is old.

If You Really Want Some Hot Water, I Can Help You Find It

The title of this post has nothing to do with what’s going to be in the post. But Catch Hell Blues was my song today. Once I’m in the White Stripes mood, you can’t take me out of it. And that song is amazing. Don’t go looking for trouble if you’re not prepared to deal with the consequences.

And now that that’s out of the way…

Disclaimer: This post is going to be disjointed lily pads of nothing consequential. Even more fragmented/incoherent then usual. Several abrupt changes in topic. And there are a lot of sports-related sentiments in capital letters so if that kind of sports-related intensity doesn’t interest you, just skip this one. Or read up until “Selection Sunday…”

I’m basically turning into a mermaid. Or a piece of seaweed. And I love it. Big bodies of water and I were always meant to be together. I went to the beach again on Wednesday. I held a pufffed up puffer fish and saw some washed up jellies and a 100% intact dead crab. There was also a huge buoy that came in during a storm. It was at least 20 feet tall (but it’s hard to saw exactly how big it was since it was kind of on it’s side and I’m a bad guestimator of height) and like 7 feet wide at the floaty bottom. There were barnacles on it.  The beach is my curiosity dream come true. I also laid in the sunshine obviously. My skin is changing. My hair is changing. I feel rough and salty and it’s awesome. The only downside is the fact that my freckles are emerging in full force and my hair is getting super light. At this rate, I’m going to be strawberry blonde by April and that sucks. I definitely prefer the darker red. #gingerproblems

Yes, I just hashtagged in a blog. Deal with it.

Laying on the beach just makes me want to be a housewife which is terrifying because not once have I ever thought that’s appealing before. But it’s so blissful that I want nothing other than to have zero responsibilities and hours of selfish free time to bask in the sun on the sand. And go shopping. I went to the Tanger Outlets in Foley today. Good God… the shopping down here is better too. Everything is magic. I could have definitely cleaned up at J. Crew and Ann Taylor and then bought half the stuff in every other store. I love spring. I WANT ALL THE DRESSES. I want to be a housewife so that my job can be to do laundry and look pretty. I’d get to dress up every day. And my husband would be rich so we’d have a boat and take it out every weekend and live happily ever after. And all the money we didn’t spend on the boat and clothes, we’d give to people who need it. I’d make sure we were a very philanthropic family.

There would probably be a lot of self-loathing by like month four of this. I’m not sure I could handle actually being a housewife (but I would love to be able to give money away like it was no big deal). I like to accomplish things. And not be dependent on anyone. I can buy my own damn boat someday. The good thing about nursing is that my income will be awesome enough to enable my clothing whims and my schedule will enable my beach whims. I fear for my self-control.

Today, however, my self-control was still intact and the only thing I bought at J. Crew was a pair of awesome light seafoam-ish green shorts. They spoke to my new mermaid self and I had to have them. I kind of needed them for practical reasons as well since it’s shorts weather in Mobile like 10 months a year.

Today I also got around to finishing Life of Pi and damn, did that twist ending suck or what?! I didn’t even know it was going to have a twist ending so I was totally caught off guard. And I take back what I said about how it makes me question my agnosticism. It actually reaffirmed it at the end. That’s all I can say without giving too much away and ruining your enjoyment of it if you haven’t read it yet and are going to in the future.

My new favorite food item for consumption day and night is celery with peanut butter and raisins. Your mom probably called it “ants on a log” when you were a kid. I’m trying to eat better since taking Diet Therapy pretty much proved that a bad diet is the downfall of all people. All kinds of diseases and conditions have a nutritional component. And I’m not even talking about the obesity/hypertension related ones. Even if you’re not hypertensive and/or obese and your calories per day are normal and you’re working out regularly, deficiencies in minerals and vitamins are pretty damn terrible by itself. You can come down with all kinds of conditions when your body doesn’t have what it needs. So now I’m making an effort to eat better. Before, I felt that as long as I wasn’t overweight and my hair wasn’t falling out and my skin wasn’t yellow, I was doing ok. Not the case. I had to do a diet analysis on myself and I was basically lacking in almost all vitamins and minerals and then we had to learn about all the ways a poor diet can increase your risk for EVERYTHING. I didn’t really have bad excesses of anything (not even saturated fat or sodium) but I was deficient in most things. It’s truly hard to eat well when you’re on a super limited income. But I’m trying. Hence the incorporation of celery and raisins, among other things, into my diet. Cheap and nutritionally instrumental. Raisins are kind of gross if you just eat them plain. Celery is too. But if you put them together with peanut butter, it’s BLISS IN YOUR MOUTH. The celery is crunchy, the raisins are chewy and add a subtle sweetness, and the peanut butter is smooth and peanut buttery.

Sunday is Selection Sunday. March Madness > Christmas. College basketball is truly my favorite sport to watch. I might have previously said that soccer was but if I did, I’m telling you now that it was a lie. 7 years ago, when I gave my dad the list of colleges I applied to, he was like “All of these schools have good basketball programs.” Yep. Hell yes they did because that was super important to my 17 year old self. My love for college basketball is deeper than the Mariana Trench. Yesterday, I reevaluated my antenna set-up  to make sure that nothing would inhibit my ability to enjoy the games during those brief hours when I’m not in class or psych clinical. And now that Pitt is most likely going to be playing in the NIT (I know… what?!?), I can enjoy the Madness like I used to and not be stressed out about it. I’m not saying I’m happy that Pitt isn’t going to be in the NCAA Tournament. But it’s nice that I know they can’t outright disappoint me again like they do every year. They’re always ranked relatively high. And always lose really early. Their level of underperformance in the tournament has to be some kind of record. Like if you figured out the average ratio of seed position versus round the team lost in, Pitt would be #1. By far. No other team would even be close. This year, since their whole season has been OUTRAGEOUSLY DISAPPOINTING, I can’t even care anymore and I have a new peace about March Madness. I guess I’ll go back to rooting for UNC like I used to. No, I’m not a bandwagon fan. In my first basketball league way way way back in the day when I was particularly susceptible to influence (as all children are), all the teams were named after good college teams. And I was on the Tar Heels. It stuck with me and I started rooting for them in real life. And then got out of control in high school. I had a UNC comforter. Don’t judge. It’s taken me many years to be able to publicly admit that.

Anyway, the amazing thing about college basketball is that anything can happen. Underdogs take down infallible teams all the time. And in terms of even making it to the tournament, no team is ever really guaranteed that at the beginning of the season. Look at Pitt this year. They’re ALWAYS “good” but didn’t make it this time.  Better example: in 201o, the defending champs (North Carolina) didn’t even make it. Granted, that actually really makes a lot of sense because they lost all the experienced starters that helped them win the year before but still… UNC almost always has a good team. When they’re in the NIT, it’s always a “what?!” kind of feeling.

And buzzer beaters are absolutely without a doubt the #1 best thing about sports. Fuck grand slams at the bottom of the ninth and completed Hail Marys and all that other epic sports stuff. To see a last ditch three pointer go in at the last second gives you a feeling that no other sports moment can. The energy is different. I can’t explain it. I guess at first you’re happy that he got the shot off then you’re in agonizing anticipation after the release when you watch it in the air and then you see it go in and then YOUR SOUL SCREAMS WITH JOY. Or in the opposite circumstance you’re like “Oh, SHIT… he got the shot off” then agonizing anticipation when it’s in the air then you feel VIOLENT PAIN when it goes in. I fall off my couch from happiness and pain at least 20 times during the tournament. I collapse on the floor at least 5 times.

I feel like there’s more heartbreak in the NCAA Tournament than most sports have. Penn State losing to Temple last year will always be one of the more tragically painful sports-related moments of my life. It was a team of five seniors, one of them being Talor Battle who is one of the absolute best players PSU has ever had. And because of these factors, Penn State made the tournament for the first time in who knows how long. It just felt like it was meant to be and I was so pumped for the tournament. And then Jeff Brooks got hurt during the Temple game and everything changed. I can still physically sense the sinking feeling I had in my stomach in that moment when he got hurt. And when that Temple guy sank the shot at the end, I lost my will to live. This game falls into the “last second shot –> violent pain” category. It was especially hard because Battle had just unbelievably tied it up seconds before that which had made me feel nothing but elation. These moments are obviously burned into my brain forever. College basketball makes you flip emotions just as fast as the teams switch possession.

emotional rollercoaster (noun): Liz’s internal state during every NCAA Tournament game

And now Penn State fans and those five seniors and their coaches forever have to live with the “what if?” of Brooks’ injury. Ugh. Sports.

The NBA is never this epic. I’m not sure why I hate watching NBA games if I love college basketball so much because it’s technically the same sport. I think because they have less chaos moments because the players are professionals and therefore better. I love the chaos of college basketball. It’s fast paced too so you’re basically super into it the whole time. I remember regular season games in the Zoo when we didn’t sit down for even a second when the clock was running.

One last thing about basketball… what the hell is up with Baylor’s uniforms? BLECK. I went out to lunch with some people yesterday and the game was on and now I want Baylor to lose just because their uniforms are obnoxious.

And now on to soccer briefly. Messi scored FIVE GOALS IN ONE GAME on Wednesday. Outrageous. He’s now the first player to score five goals in one game in the Champions League. Here they are. Watch them.

How is Messi so good? It’s magic. I feel bewitched every time I see him play.

And now onto hockey. Sidney Crosby HAS BEEN CLEARED FOR CONTACT. But I’m not getting my hopes up. There’s been a lot of that in the last year and the hopes were always crushed by some new circumstance. Until he’s back playing regularly in games, I can’t relax.

Leap Years

“I’ve seen hatters before,” she said to herself: “the March Hare will be much the most interesting, and perhaps as this is May it won’t be raving mad — at least not so mad as it was in March.”
- Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll

It’s March. For as long as I can remember, March has meant rebirth. Because, for as long as I can remember, February has been soul sucking darkness. Actual bleak gray coldness. Not really so much anymore. February in Alabama is near heaven. But March still feels like rebirth because it’s always felt like that. After February, the hard part is over. Once March 1st arrives, it’s smooth sailing. Granted, March through May can still be pretty crappy in terms of weather, but every day doesn’t feel like death. It slowly warms up and the intermittent sunshine is enough to keep you going.

On Thursday, it was sunny and 82 degrees here. I don’t think I can ever go home. Readjusting to NY/PA weather is just not an option.

Anyway, these past two weeks have been insanity. Two finals on Monday morning mean that as of Monday afternoon, I will have completed 3 grad classes and 3 undergrad classes in basically 9 weeks. If I’m still alive on December 14th, that’s the day I graduate. If I’m dead, it’s going to be a Pheidippides-esque tragedy.

Here’s a list of the things I intended to include in the blogs that never got written this week (Pittsburghers, skip to #4 because you already know all about #1-3):

1) This post about Malkin’s hat trick.

Rollie the Goalie’s two-handed jab triggered some kind of primal Russian working class freakout from Malkin; like getting whipped by a guard and summoning superhuman strength to take over the internment camp. So Malkin lit his ass up for a hat trick.

As far as Pittsburgh sports blogs go, Sauce and The Boss is one of the more hilarious ones.

2) This list of people who won’t be Steelers next year in alphabetical order (yes, this is a list within a list)
- James Farrior
- Chris Kemoeatu
- Aaron Smith
- Hines Ward (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…)

This week was basically my worst nightmare. I hate football right now. It’s going to be SO WEIRD watching Steelers football without them and the replacements will have to work hard to prove their worth in my heart.

Note to self: Stop getting emotionally attached to Steelers and start caring less about sports in general.

3) AJ Burnett got hurt right away, had surgery, and is going to be out for 2-3 months. Whomp. That’s a fail. Yep, this is what it’s like to be a Pirates fan.

4) This 50 minute PBS documentary about elephants. Relevant: elephants = people

5) THE U.S. MEN’S TEAM BEAT ITALY. This sums it up pretty much:

So it wasn’t a Confederations Cup match – so what? This was a young US side playing without their star player (Landon Donovan withdrew from the game with bronchitis) and with many of their squad still in MLS pre-season training. They were up against a mid-season Italian side playing in Genoa, the spiritual home of Italian football, where they were unbeaten since their first game there in 1924… The Italians had certainly never been beaten by the USA: not in 11 meetings; not in 82 years.

Dempsey became ONLY THE 4TH AMERICAN TO SCORE AGAINST ITALY (and one of those previous goals was in the ’30s). Plus, there was the assist by Altidore who’s kind of hit or miss but still one of my favorites. And let’s be honest, the whole team is kind of hit or miss. Minus the backfield. They’re mostly miss. Although, things seem to be coming together as of late so we’ll see what happens. I’m cautiously optimistic.

Here’s the goal:

The World Cup qualifiers start on June 8th. Hooray! I love the build-up almost as much as the actual World Cup.

6) Wednesday was a leap day and I was too busy to remember that it was a leap day until I saw that the date on my phone said February 29th and it was the best surprise ever. Leap days are celebrations because you get an extra 24 hours to be alive. They’re especially awesome because of the whole March 1st thing being so close… even though that seems counterintuitive (like if you hate February, why would you be happy about an extra day in February?). But actually, because it’s not a normal February day, it just feels like magic. February 29th is like platform 9 3/4 or something. It shouldn’t exist, but it does. And it’s the gateway to something enchanting. And crazy unexpected things happen. Like spending time at a river house and getting some awesome thrift store finds and the U.S. men’s team beating Italy!

I can’t wait ’til Leap Day 2016. I’m not going to be caught off guard this time. I already have the countdown running and plans will be made. Athough, sometimes impromptu plans are actually the best and this year it worked out wonderfully. I got a 5/5 on my medication administration check-off (anyone need some IM injections?) then Rachel and I went to her parents’ house on the river in rural-ish Alabama and her mom fed us delicious food and then we thrifted for a long time at various places in and around Fairhope and then her mom fed us more delicious food. So, basically it was the best day ever even though Thursday and Friday ended up being terribly stressful because I didn’t really do anything all day Wednesday. I was also punished for my laziness by having an allergy attack. But Benadryl is a miracle drug and I was 100% fine by Thursday morning. WORTH IT.

Although, I’m kind of sad I skipped the USA/Italy game now. I did watch it that night but it would have been more epic to see it without knowing the outcome. But actually, I might have died from happiness so maybe it was a good thing I missed it.

Anyway, I basically took today off too. It was Premier League soccer all morning then took a nap and had a nightmare about having to do a wizarding skills check-off at Hogwarts and I woke up thankful that it was Saturday and that I wasn’t at Hogwarts or a wizard. Upon realizing that the school stress was creeping into my dreams, I decided to continue to bum around for the rest of the day and just relax. I didn’t even put on a bra until like 4PM. It was awesome.

Tomorrow I have to cram for the finals but then I have SIX DAY MINI-VACATION before our first clinical rotation starts. I’m going to Atlanta and to the beach. Happily ever after.

Sometimes Little Things Make Your Day Even at 5AM

50 Very Sensible Goals

I smiled for 16 minutes then watched it again and smiled for another 16 minutes.

And because I live in Sesame Street world, I’m starting a mental list of things that start with S that motivate me (or if you want to take it one step too far… things that start with S that make me smile):
- space
- soccer

To be continued…

A Turning Point In American History

Everyone should wrap themselves in an American flag and run through the streets right now.

Clint Dempsey pulled off a hat trick today vs. Newcastle. Why is this a big deal? He was the FIRST AMERICAN to do it in a Premier League game. USA USA USA!

I’m wondering if it’s overkill to wear my Dempsey jersey every day this week.

To me, this is like Neil Armstrong walking on the moon. One small step for Clint Dempsey, one giant step for American soccer players and fans.

Soccer is the greatest game ever invented. It does seem kind of boring at first. But then as you watch more of it, and you’re able to take it all in, you start to pick up on the subtleties that make it the most exciting thing you will ever watch. Even if only 1 goal is scored the whole time, a regular game is so intense/emotional/heartbreaking/exhilarating. It makes people fall off couches and dance on bars.

I need more people to love it. Like if you think watching a Steelers game with yinzers at any yinzer bar in Pittsburgh is an exciting time, you should watch a soccer game with any group of non-Americans when their favorite team is on. I was in Chile for a few of their World Cup qualifier games. That’s the moment I knew I was in love. A lifetime of growing interest became full-blown love at some point during that summer.

There are some rabid soccer fans in the US too. It’s just kind of difficult to find them. If you live in Pittsburgh, Piper’s is the place to be. I don’t think there’s anything like that even close to Mobile, unfortunately.

I’ve tried to arbitrarily pick a Premier League team to love but since I have no real ties to any of the teams, it’s just not the same. I still love to watch it because it’s beautiful and mindblowing but I’m never really emotionally invested in it. I kind of passively follow MLS soccer but it’s kind of the same deal. I don’t really have a team because they’re relatively few and far between and also, the skill level is obviously not at the Premier League level. It’s like watching any college sports game between two teams you don’t care about. Still cool if you’re interested in that sport, but not really as exciting/engaging.

I need more people in the US to care so that we can have all kinds of formidable players and more more MLS teams and more sponsorship and game attendance. Get interested then throw money at it! Because it will be just as cool/profitable to play here as in Europe.

And most importantly, we’ll win the World Cup. The day we win the World Cup will actually be the best damn day of my life. Forget all those other life landmarks like the day you get married and the day you buy your first house and the day your first kid is born and the day you get promoted to CEO. When the US men’s team wins the World Cup, I am going to quit my job and celebrate for an entire month. And I don’t care if I’m 90 when it happens. This is going to happen in my lifetime. I refuse to die until I see it happen.

I was too young to remember when the women did it in 1991. But I sure as hell remember when they did it in 1999. It inspired a nation. And as a (just barely) 12 year old girl, it inspired me to just be awesome in general. On July 10, 1999, I learned that women are just as badass as men. I think the women on that team are still my heros. This is how I feel every time I accomplish something awesome:

(That’s iconic shit. I wish it was more appropriate to rip off your shirt in public and drop to the ground. I’d probably do it a lot.)

ESPN says they’re still the best, too.

The women’s team won again in 2003. And almost won last year. That quarterfinal game was absolutely THE BEST thing I have ever watched. I’ve never felt such explosive joy and maybe never will again. I’ve never gone from “Oh my God, this is hopeless and I’m OUTRAGED” (because there was ALL KINDS OF BS going down in that game) to “HOLYFUCKINGFUCKICANTBELIEVETHEYPULLEDTHATOFFOURTEAMISAMAZINGANDNOONEELSECOULDHAVEDONETHATTHISISTHEBESTDAYOFMYLIFEUSAUSAUSA” so fast in my life.

10 players from the 66th minute to the end? NO PROBLEM. I still get all riled up about this obviously. I could rewatch that game over and over and over again. Pretty sure I had a 10 foot vertical jump that day. I also remember just collapsing on the floor after it was all over. I probably shed a tear. The moment is forever burned into my brain. It’s PROOF that you can overcome situations that are blatantly unfair and still succeed. I haven’t given up on anything since.

Then they beat France (psh, easy) but lost to Japan in the final. Sad. Until I found out that the women on Japan’s national team only practice at night and basically have to keep part-time jobs on the side to pay the bills because they don’t sell a lot of tickets to games and don’t get endorsements or sponsorships or anything due to lack of popularity. (http://hararie-japan-tokyo-tokyo.com/japanese_culture/2011/08/post-1.html)

Plus, there was the whole tsunami thing and it was a huge morale boost for the country. Sometimes it’s ok for my team to lose. This is one of those times. Job well done, Japan.

Anyway, soccer… love it, please. More fans –> more players –> more good players –> more teams. I want an MLS team to live and die by. For awhile, I was kind of a Liverpool fan by default just because Matt is arbitrarily a Liverpool fan. Since that was the only reason I rooted for them, I obviously could care less about them at this point. Maybe I’ll become a Chelsea fan. That would be cathartic.

Back to Clint Dempsey. Can I get a print of this for my office?

That’s him scoring the 3rd goal. THAT’S HISTORY.

Start watching some US men’s games. Even if you actually end up not liking soccer, you can at least have a good time watching Tim Howard yell at the subpar backfield every time they fail. I love Tim Howard. He saves our ass all the damn time. We’d be nothing without him. He’s so good. SO GOOD.

In other sports news… Pens game last night. I didn’t watch it but after my phone started blowing up, debilitating homesickness set in because I wanted so badly to have been watching it with everyone. Sports-related things are responsible for 99% of my acute homesickness episodes. It was an explosive joy type of game, apparently. As we all know, those are my favorite. I only saw the highlights. But they were damn good highlights. First of all, Letang is BACK and so are the Pens. Praise Jesus. Second of all, MALKIN FOR MVP! Incredible performance. And he’s scored 8 goals in the last 10 games or something like that. I think I need to name my first kid Geno. That’s probably something you have to bring up right after the proposal while your husband-to-be is still elated. This is how the scenario plays out in my head…

- Of course I’ll marry you. We’re going to name our first kid Geno.
- I love you so much that it doesn’t matter. And let’s name the dog Letang.

And now, here’s something that’s not sports related at all. Geography lesson!

Where is Alabama? I think y’all need some assistance with this.

Drew called me the other day. The beginning of the conversation went like this…

Drew: When do you have a 4 day weekend or any time off? We have to go to Odessa.
Me: Where the hell is that?
Drew: Texas. I figured that since you live in Alabama, I could just get you on the way.
Me: Do you know where Alabama is?
Drew: Close to Texas.
Me: Not really. There are TWO states in between. It takes like 8 hours to get there, I think. Why do we need to go anyway?
Drew: Grandma Lane was born there. I need to connect with my roots. She hasn’t been back since the late 70s. I think it’d be cool to meet some new extended family and see if her old house is still there. And I need to get out of NY. I’ve also heard good things about the taco trucks.

While he’s talking about this, I’m Googling Odessa. It’s almost on the other freaking side of the state.

Me: It’s a 16 hour trip from Mobile!
Drew: What really? I looked at it on a map. It didn’t seem like it’d be that long. I thought you said it was 16 hours from Pittsburgh to Mobile. It can’t be that long from Mobile to Odessa.
Me: DO YOU KNOW HOW BIG TEXAS IS?
Drew: No, but how do you? You’ve never been there before either.
Me: … Well, it looks pretty damn big on a map. And Google confirmed that it’s pretty damn big.
Drew: Ok, so not happening during a 4 day weekend. Maybe a half-day trip after ACL Fest?

(Austin is 6 hours from Odessa, according to Google Maps. Sigh.)

And then today, Kelly was like “I just looked at a map and Alabama is not where I thought it was. Definitely going to apparate,” when she was looking into travel options for visiting me in April.

I love you guys. Forever.

However, so that there’s no more confusion as to where I’ve gone, here’s a map of the United States of America. Alabama is circled in red. Everyone take note of where it is in reference to you. Pennsylvania and New York are circled in green. For Drew, Texas is circled in blue. (Notice how much bigger the Texas circle is compared to Alabama. And even the circle that includes both New York AND Pennsylvania.

Also, Drew… please make sure you look at a map of the world before you suggest that we go find your long lost relatives in Veracruz and swim across the Gulf of Mexico to get there.

It also maybe needs to be noted that Mobile is at the very bottom of Alabama. Here’s a map in case you have any questions about the actual location of my city. It’s circled in red.

Various And Sundry

Prepare for the onslaught. There’s a lot of stuff in here. I’m considering putting an index at the beginning so you can just skip to what you want haha.

Just to get this out of the way, here’s the Ryan Adams road mix that I promised to post forever ago.

And I think I might do my nursing practicum in the neuro ICU. It just feels like the right decision which is weird because I didn’t think I’d feel so inclined toward something so early. I wanna test reflexes every two hours. I think being an orthopedic surgical nurse would be sweet too though. I love muscles and bones. It seems like everyone else in my program wants to do labor and delivery. I’m personally terrified (probably irrationally) of that clinical rotation. I’m pretty sure I can handle most types of trauma and all the blood and/or exposed insides that comes with it but I know for a fact that I can’t handle a dead baby. It’s too devastatingly sad. They didn’t get a chance to live AT ALL. The second saddest thing in the world is a mom who died giving birth to a baby. And I know that most moms/babies are ok. But everyone sees at least either a dead mom or a dead baby during their OB/L&D rotation and I am definitely not looking forward to it. I’m too emotionally weak. The other thing that’s appealing about the neuro ICU is that it’s quiet and calm but there’s also a lot of pressure because people are only in the ICU if they’re in some kind of critical condition. I need pressure or else my life falls apart.

Homesickness update: still hasn’t stopped. It’s ups and downs. Last night when I was out, I heard Don’t Stop Believing and then Bohemian Rhapsody and I really just wanted to be drunk singing at Bar11 with everyone in Pittsburgh instead of people in Mobile. And I think the reason I’m homesick for the first time ever is because of how things were when I left (with the whole “not really being on good terms with some people because of the Matt aftermath tension” thing) and the subsequent realization that we didn’t really have the long-term friendships that I thought we did. So, it’s not just that I’m sad I’m not in Pittsburgh right now. It’s moreso the fact that when I go back, it’s not going to be the same at all. I’m more sad about the end of an era than I am about being in Alabama because I do actually freaking love it here. Yesterday, I had something that was basically the equivalent of a grilled cheese sandwich with bacon, a crab cake, and a fried green tomato. Previously, I thought that whiskey was the most delicious thing in the world. This grilled cheese crab cake thing was better. Whiskey, you are now #2.

I also realized how much I love being single in my mid-twenties and forced to meet new people and have new experiences as a result of this move. I have a closet full of little black dresses and definitely more heels and pearls than I need and I love living it up right now because I know this moment is fleeting. These are  my Audrey Hepburn days or something and I’m going out with as many charming southern men as I can before they’re over. Although, I still feel weird about the guys always opening doors for me and such. I don’t know if that will ever go away. I also kind of feel bad that I have no intentions to be serious with any of them. You’d really have to hardcore sweep me off my feet to get me into a relationship right now. I’m way too broken for that currently.

“Never love a wild thing, Mr. Bell,” Holly advised him. ‘That was Doc’s mistake. He was always lugging home wild things. A hawk with a hurt wing. One time it was a full-grown bobcat with a broken leg. But you can’t give your heart to a wild thing: the more you do, the stronger they get. Until they’re strong enough to run into the woods. Or fly into a tree. Then a taller tree. Then the sky. That’s how you’ll end up, Mr. Bell. If you let yourself love a wild thing. You’ll end up looking at the sky.”
- Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Truman Capote

And JoePa’s first interview is up. And I have that sickness in my stomach again. And my heart hurts a little again. But not as bad as before. I feel like the interview isn’t resolving anything for me. Probably because the whole thing is just irresolvable and I’ll forever have mixed feelings about it.

Football isn’t life. Sports aren’t life. But I’m weirdly starting to realize that they’re probably more important than I want to admit. They’re so socially and culturally critical to me. And also in general, I guess. As a Latin American Studies kid in college, we always talked about the soccer culture and it’s importance in Central and South America. And we know what sports ancient civilizations used to play and how it related to their values, beliefs, etc. It seems neanderthal-ish to think about it like this because I feel like whenever you see or hear a person taking any given sporting event way too seriously, you tend to think they’re some kind of backwards unintelligent person or something. Kind of like how a lot of people think Steelers fans are all primitive working class people (there’s not even anything wrong with being working class) from Western PA.

Maybe we do take football too seriously there though. I guess I’ve always heard that football in Pittsburgh is bigger than football in most places, but I haven’t lived in enough places to know for sure. This article was probably the most recent thing I read that mentioned the Pittsburgh/football connection. And the Pittsburgh Dad Steelers episode was pretty much dead on which is why it’s hilarious (although, all Pittsburgh Dad episodes would be better without the laugh track). I mean, pretty solid proof of the fact that Pittsburghers love football more than air is probably the entire pick-up sports season of 2008-2009. No matter what we started playing, we always ended up playing football… to the point that we just started playing football every week and didn’t try to pretend like we were going to play anything else. And at first, I was kinda bummed. To me, it was like “Damn yinzers and their football. Why can’t we keep playing capture the flag?” The only thing I love more than pick-up football in the mud is capture the flag. If it was a professional sport, I’d be an all-star. It should be a professional sport. One of my life goals is probably to make it a professional sport. I don’t know how watchable it is though. I guess it’s not really anything that spectators could get into. Shannon and I would find a way to make it entertaining though. We rocked that shit. By the time this happens, I’ll probably be too old to play in the NCTFL but I can be the commissioner. After a summer of being a camp counselor, I have the expertise. The only foreseeable negative about professional CTF is the fact that training would probably entirely consist of running suicides. What other kind of training do you do need? CTF requires sprinting, slowing down or stopping briefly to pick up the flag, then sprinting again. Sometimes you have to push people if you play unethically. I guess there’s also some agility and quick momentum shifts to avoid or catch people but suicides pretty much cover that too.  Maybe you’re thinking, “Psh, what’s wrong with suicides?” Are you SERIOUS? Everything about them is terrible. That’s why they’re called suicides. I will admit that they help you reach nirvana though. Like in that moment where you really think you’re going to collapse instead of being able to touch the line and start running again, you somehow pull it off then enter into an out of body experience where all life’s answers are revealed to you. It’s probably because you’re experiencing pre-death events.

Anyway, if I was commissioner, Pittsburgh would obviously have one of the first CTF teams and it’d be an easy transition for fans because I’d name them the Pittsburgh Stealers (best name for a CTF team ever, right?) even though that might cause some confusion. But everyone could wear their regular Steelers gear and just put an A over the second E at CTF games. People wear their Steelers gear to Pirates games already anyway. And Pens stuff too. It’s the only thing that makes them feel better at the end of the game when the Pirates have lost again, I guess. Although, for awhile last season, you saw less and less Steelers/Pens stuff and more Pirates shirts/jerseys because people were getting excited about baseball again. People actually started going to games too. They didn’t even have $1 hot dog night anymore and PNC Park was still selling out. That obviously didn’t last forever though. The final game I went to was the August 5th one where they lost to the Padres by like 10 runs. During the 6th inning, we made the wave go around 20-ish times (the record for a professional sports game, probably) and people were cheering for it every time it was headed to their section. Yeah, people were cheering for the wave and not the team. And then at the end, people started chanting stuff about the Steelers. And in that moment, I realized we were back to Pirates games the way they’d always been my whole life and everyone had given up again. A CTF team in Pittsburgh would give people another thing to be joyful about and would lessen the baseball pain. In Pittsburgh, maybe we’re too serious about sports in general.

I see it more as dedication/love though. If it’s critical to our social/cultural experience and relationships with people (more on that later), then it makes sense that we’re serious about it. We should be serious about it because relationships are important. Two Steelers fans e-mailed me with criticism about the Jesus and the Steelers post. And despite the criticism, it made me smile because I love that people love the Steelers. I’m shocked that anyone ever reads this stuff though. The first person pointed out that the whole Ben rape case thing is water under the bridge at this point. And I most certainly agree. Most of that post was totally ridiculous/unserious. I mean, I kind of wrote a fake Bible verse. That’s straight up heresy. The second person said that I shouldn’t hate on Sepulveda for always being hurt. And first of all, I didn’t really hate. Maybe I sounded bitter but it wasn’t real hate. I’m just bummed because he’s the most badass punter in the NFL so it sucks that he can’t play… ever. In the 5 seasons he’s been a Steeler, he’s been hurt 3 times. I guess my opinion is that we should just get a new starting punter which sucks because, as I said, he’s awesome. Remember the fake punt pass versus the Titans? Badass. And when I was looking for a something on YouTube to prove the normal Christianity thing, I found a clip that was basically him signing autographs and the guy who’s taking the video says to his kid, “It’s Sepulveda, the punter. Look at the guns on the punter,” which is hilarious (I actually laughed out loud) and it also proves that I’m not the only one who thinks that Sepulveda is the most badass punter in the NFL. And that means that the Steelers are the best team in the NFL because even our punter is a superhero. Maybe I’m just a biased Steelers fan. I don’t actually know anything about punting. I’m pretty sure all Steelers fans think they’re experts about everything. Watch that Pittsburgh Dad episode again and think about any conversation you’ve ever had at work or a bar you’ll realize that it’s the truth. We care. A lot.

But seriously, you should have seen the Alabama fans leading up to the game on Monday and then afterwards. They’re at least equal with us. Apparently, they Roll Tide, Roll during Sweet Home Alabama. I was at the bar last night when I found this out (because they were all doing it) and immediately I wanted to be an Alabama fan so I could be a part of that. And I think that was the first twinge of “sports are important” because I started to think about it’s cultural significance and unification factor. I got kinda homesick again because it’s exactly like when Sweet Caroline comes on in a Pittsburgh bar and everyone yells “Let’s Go Pitt” and “Go Pitt” and such at the appropriate times. In those moments, no matter who you are or where you’re from or why you love Pitt, you’re all in that boat together. It’s kind of a spiritual experience. Like that same feeling people get from religion.

It’s the same way at actual games. It’s better at games, actually. Because not only are you all there in that one place together, but you all feel the same things. You all feel the disbelief when your QB throws an interception and you also all feel the tension when you need a TD to win and there’s like 20 seconds left. And then the explosive joy when they get that TD and you’re hugging the stranger next to you. Football (and sports in general) just brings people together. The best moments of my life were those in the Oakland Zoo during tight games when Pitt pulled it off. There really aren’t words to adequately describe that sheer happiness or universality you feel with everyone else that’s there with you. And college basketball is my #1 favorite sport to watch so of course it always felt super epic.

It’s heartbreaking when it’s bad though. One night, after one of Pitt’s more devastating March Madness losses, crazy things happened. People got drunk. Real drunk. It was serious drinking. NO ONE remembered what happened  the next day… other than the fact that we lost, obviously. Someone (NOT ME, for the record) got pregnant. Yeah, that drunk. Sad drunk. I never want to be that kind of drunk again. Your team consistently way underperforming during the tournament is not something that you ever get used to so I’ll probably be that kind of sad drunk again at some point. I also remember when Pitt was playing Cincinnati for the Big East football championship and they blew a HUGE lead. They were up by like more than 3 touchdowns. Here I am FREEZING MY ASS OFF with everyone else (because it was the first day it snowed that year and we were underprepared) and then they go and lose like that. Thanks, Pitt football. You suck. All the time. But at least we were all cold and sad together.

Sports are one of the few lifetime constants. It doesn’t matter which sport(s) you love or what your favorite team is. A lot of times, your fandom is given to you the day you’re born and you carry it with you until you die and it’s passed down over generations and generations of people. My grandfather has Alzheimer’s pretty badly and he’s really out of it a lot of times and often agitated by the fact that he can’t remember anything or live the way he used to, but when you turn on a PSU or Steelers football game, it’s like nothing is different. And apparently Nonnie prays for the coaches/players of our teams which is hilarious/adorable to me. She’s been praying for JoePa for years and years and then I just found out from Mary that she prays for Ben Roethlisberger every day too and has been even before the rape scandal. And that’s one of the reasons I love her so much. If anyone else did that, I’d probably think it was a little ridiculous. But she’s Nonnie and that’s just what she does. She’s a hardcore prayer. And the most perfect person I’ve ever known and probably ever will know.

My mom and dad used to sing a lullaby version of Fight On, State to us when they rocked us to sleep. I’m pretty sure both my siblings and I took my parents’ original Terrible Towel to school for show and tell at least a few times each which irritated all the Bills fans we grew up with. I also remember taking the Jaromir Jagr peanut butter. A few summers ago, Matt took me on a romantic afternoon/evening date that started with a picnic and ended with Steelers training camp. And even though I hate him now, it was one of the best days of my life. My mom talks about how she was pregnant with me during the 1987 Fiesta Bowl when Penn State won the national championship and jokingly says that she was probably depriving me of oxygen because she kept holding her breath. Sports are linked to stories and memories and landmarks in time.

Here’s proof that this stuff is indoctrinated at birth. I was born a Penn State fan and I will die that way too. Have you hugged your Nittany Lion today?

And the other thing that made Penn State football so special and damn important as a social/cultural/life influence was the fact that it was all about integrity and that’s probably why the whole scandal thing rocked my world because the integrity thing is now partially undermined. A huge amount of my values and work ethic were influenced by JoePa (the man is/was a legend) and the Penn State football program and now it kind of feels like all of that is forever tainted. I don’t think it’s right that they fired him the way they did and I don’t think that he’s the person who’s most at fault in this and I do think that he got thrown under the bus… but on the other hand, it’s definitely true that he could have and should have done more. This is child rape. That’s not something you mess around with or hesitate to take care of in anyway.

Still, we’re human. We make huge mistakes. Don’t just assume that you would have acted any better or done anything differently. The diffusion of responsibility is a pretty well studied phenomenon.

I think it’s ridiculous to now be ignoring everything that JoePa has done for his players and the community and the university and college sports and even sports in general. On a personal level, he is incredibly responsible for everything I believe about motivation and success and people’s inherent worth.

Believe deep down in your heart that you’re destined to do great things.
- Joe Paterno

The article that went with the interview pointed out so many things/characteristics that I love about JoePa and I really do believe that he’s a guy who lived with integrity/honor/decency at his core and taught that to everyone. He was incredibly grounded and influential. Because of him, integrity, honor, and decency are so deeply ingrained in me that I will never be able to live my life without those guiding principles and I’m a better person because of it. He taught me about teamwork and humbleness. But also pride and confidence at the same time. And I’m just a Penn State football fan. Who knew how deeply he impacted the people who actually knew him. He was a great man. He’s been my hero for the last 24 years and I refuse to condemn everything about him just because of a situation that revealed to us that he’s human. Everyone else can hate him and blame him and sentence him to live the rest of his life without the respect he deserves. But I recognize that most of us wouldn’t have done much better in the situation because people suck in general. We fail each other in huge ways. I think Joe has done more good for the world than bad. And that’s how you measure someone’s value.

All his words that I lived by are a little bit tainted now though. I will love him and respect him for the rest of my life but things are a lot different in the aftermath. And it’s going to be weird to be a Penn State fan without JoePa as the coach but it’s still Penn State football and I will love it just as much as I always have.

This makes me feel a lot better anyway.

Its the name on the front of the jersey that matters most, not the one on the back.
- Joe Paterno

I’m really optimistic about coach O’Brien preserving the JoePa legacy.

WE ARE PENN STATE.

We will forever be Penn State.

I think I’m finally out of things to say. But I’ll leave yinz with my favorite quote from the interview/article…

My thing was play as hard as you can, don’t be stupid, pay attention to details, and have enough guts in the clutch that you’re not afraid to make a play.

That’s some damn good advice for life in general and applies to basically every life scenario. Don’t be stupid. Pay attention to details. And have enough guts in the clutch that you’re not afraid to make a play.

Football isn’t exactly life… but they sure do have a lot of things in common. Lots of lessons and lots of ups and downs.

And even though I’m 1,000 miles away from everyone, our teams make me feel close to them. Which is why I took the Steelers loss so badly this year, probably. At this point, as long as both the Ravens and the Pats lose, I’m happy. Also, someone fix the Pens. And Sidney Crosby

Things That I’m Obsessed With: Octopus Edition

1) They’re freaky/terrifying as hell and I’m incessantly fascinated most by the things that scare the shit out of me.
2) They’re beautiful. Proof.
3) They’re super intelligent. Nastily advanced nervous systems. You can’t legally operate on them without anesthesia in some countries.
4) They’re kind of autonomous and badass. They’re very free creatures who solitarily roam the open ocean being smart and killing things and adapting in the most impressive ways to survive. I’m jealous of their ability to live in water. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.
5) Females die protecting the eggs. Even if the sacrifice is for evolutionary rather than emotional reasons, that still makes them fierce mama bears and I totally respect that.
6) They can eat sharks. WTF!!!!

Articles about octopus behavior/intelligence (basically from just a two second Google search that you could have done for yourself):
- What Behavior Can We Expect of Octopuses? I love that there’s a whole website devoted to cephalopods! I bookmarked it immediately.
- Through the Eyes of an Octopus Their brain WRAPS AROUND THEIR ESOPHAGUS. That’s weird, yo.
- What is this Octopus Thinking?
-  Are Octopuses Smart? I want to have one as a pet. Like a dog. They’re probably totally capable of playing fetch. I’d made it learn all kinds of cool tricks like shake and sit and roll over. Speaking of which…
- Behind the Meme: Secrets of Octopus Intelligence More comparisons to dogs.
- An Octopus’ Intelligence Compared to the Dog. Even more comparisons to dogs. And sweet jesus, I need to get that book. All those goofy Jacques Cousteau videos we watched in 3rd grade truly made my life.

When one thinks of how long it takes to teach a dog something as simple as sitting up or shaking hands, one must admit that an octopus learns very quickly; and that above all, it teaches itself. We did not show it what to do. With a dog, it takes months of patient work before the animal will do what one wants it to do. The difference between a dog learning and an octopus learning is the difference between training an animal and allowing an animal to exorcise its intelligence in determining the means to be used to overcome an obstacle in certain circumstances.
- Jacques Cousteau, Octopus and Squid: The Soft Intelligence

This is what I envision what my life with an octopus would be like:

Courtesy of Deanna Molinaro. Someday I’m actually going to buy the print because I’ve been wanting it forever.

My biggest fear about having an octopus as a pet is that it would get out of its tank (which they do all the time in captivity because they’re super smart like that) and like creep (like this) into to my bed do evil octopus things in the night while I sleep and I would wake up 2 seconds before my death to feel, in my last moment of life, only sheer octopus-induced terror. Which is ENTIRELY unrealistic but that’s the only thing I’d be able to think about if I had one in my house. Plus, they need the ocean. Seeing them in their little zoo aquarium spaces always makes me kind of joyless. I stare at them forever though so I’m part of the problem by basically reinforcing the fact that zoos have them because people want to see them.

Paul the Octopus had an ok situation, I think. He was adored by the entire world. Paul single-handedly combined my love for octopuses and soccer and I’ll love him forever. RIP, dude.

This is one of my all-time favorite YouTube videos. Pulpos: Suave Inteligencia. That’s freaking ridiculous. The combo of Spanish and octopuses being smart is unbeatable. If I was stranded on a desert island and could only take one YouTube clip, that might be it. Or maybe this. Things that I’m obsessed with: UZoo Channel Edition.

Finally, the thing that sparked this whole entry was the video that Ben sent me today. My first thought was that kayak fishing on the ocean is definitely something I need to do regularly. I feel like it would terrify me and I’m not sure why but that makes me really excited to do it and now I probably won’t stop thinking about it for 3 days. My second thought was some semblance of a freak out regarding what I would do if I caught a goddamn octopus and it’s huge tentacles were 2 inches away from my body while I sat low to the water in my kayak. My third thought was complete devastation that the asshole killed the octopus, even if it was accidental. The lifeless and defeated way it just hung there on the line was traumatic. They’re so beautiful and seeing one like that is the most tragic thing in the world. I really can’t even deal with people who don’t catch and release their fish. Things that probably influence my feelings on the issue: the emotional attachment I have to Hootie my goldfish, the fact that I saw a bluegill struggle and die at my grandparents’ pond at the tender age of four because my cousin couldn’t get it off the hook fast enough, and this (skip to 1:52-2:14). The Little Mermaid also probably significantly impacted my life in other ways but there’s enough discussion in that can of worms for a whole other entry.

Anyway, to conclude, that one YouTube video of the octopus being caught could win an Academy Award for all the emotions it made me feel in two short minutes.

And WHY THE HELL was that creeping octopus on land from the other video delivering that crab to those people? I don’t think anyone will ever know. Octopuses behaviorally are weird and advanced. That’s the take home message here.

I Just Want You Near Me Like You Are Now For Good

That’s a sweet sentiment. I love love love Tinfoil Hats.

It makes me hopeful about life. It makes me not want to settle. I can’t settle again. It’s better to be alone than settle for something that’s not everything you want.

Relatedly, my need to get out of this city and/or maybe all cities is overwhelming. I really think it has to do partially with the fact that I could go to the middle of Wyoming where no one lives and actually scream my face off for 10 minutes and no one would know. But also, more to do with the fact that after shutting down crucial parts of myself to be in a relationship with Matt, the repressed interests and thoughts and feelings are now coming out so uncontrollably fast and hard that I don’t know how to keep it in check.

We seriously argued about the stupidest stuff that really was just a reflection of us being totally different people with completely different interests and backgrounds.  In order to prevent the arguing, I had to ignore crucial parts of myself and not act certain ways and modify my interests. Because of this, I know exactly what I do and do not want in a guy. So I can really only be happy at this point. I feel like I dodged some kind of bullet. Like maybe I got out just in time before that point where I would get too far in. Like I was dangerously close to the event horizon of a black hole and almost never came out again.

And now I’m kind of living like someone who almost died. I know that sounds super dramatic but that’s how I feel sometimes. It was nearly the death of myself. And that’s maybe almost scarier than dying for real. When you die for real, you just cease to exist. When your true self dies, you have to live as someone else for the rest of your days and time drags on and you’re never really happy/fulfilled.

I’m 50% country and 50% city. It’s a dead even split. I grew up in the country so I need the wilderness down to the very core of my being. I kind of freak out in the city. I don’t know what to do with myself and get easily upset by certain things. Like smelling truck fumes when I’m running and not being able to see the stars when I want to. But then again, I know how much it sucks to live in a small town and what it’s like to want to experience new things and meet new people. So when I’m back in that small town for an extended period of time, I freak out then too. Essentially, I’m always only half content. 50% bliss, 50% freaking out. It’s really a miserable existence sometimes. Pittsburgh is actually ok. It’s city enough that you can spontaneously do almost anything and I could go to 7 shows a week if I wanted to but it’s also surrounded by three epic rivers and it was kind of built in the middle of the woods so it still kind of feels like that’s where you are. Western PA woods are the best kind also. Plus it’s neighborhoody so kinda has a small town feel sometimes. And after being here for 6 years, it’s really weird to realize how many people I know or know of. Desi and I went out on a date with the same guy and didn’t even realize it until after it happened. My bank teller realized that he lives in my old apartment. Shit like that. Everyone knows everyone.

Anyway, for the last billion weekends before this one, I left for some kind of country adventure whether it was visiting my extended family or driving to State College and back. And during those weeks I felt stable and balanced for the most part. So obviously the 50/50 thing is necessary. That’s why I think I’ll love Salt Lake City if I end up there. I feel like there are a million adventurers in Utah. Chill people who just like to hike and ski and kayak. Mary seems to think that’s where my soulmate is. More specifically, he’s probably at the Patagonia outlet (which, by the way, is absolutely amazing she says). Our eyes will meet in the ski pants aisle and that will be the start of happily forever.

Man wish list:
- At least 6’0″
- Outdoorsy in every way. Like would go camping and/or to the lake every weekend if he could.
- Kinda scruffy but in a well-maintained sense. Flannel shirts all the way. I’ve weirdly only been attracted to guys with facial hair lately.
- Absolutely honest/open about everything and truly believes that’s the only way to live. You can’t force someone to have this value or learn to be that way. They either can or they can’t. They do or they don’t. Don’t waste your time thinking they’ll change and/or come around and/or warm up to the idea.
- Brown eyes. They make me melt. Green and hazel are tolerable. Blue eyes are gross.
- Liberal political tendencies
- Humble, altruistic, loves people/the environment/the world/life
- Good at engineering and/or good at making/fixing stuff
-  Coaches little kids soccer
- Drives a Jeep. We need something to tow the boat with. Also, I’ve been Jeep brainwashed. My parents have always had one for as long as I can remember. And the best days of my life were spent on roadtrips in Tim’s Wrangler. Speaking of roadtrips…
- Must love roadtrips (and be good at them… stops infrequently, sings along with the Ryan Adams, knows how to pack a car, etc.) and also love good roadtrip music. Speaking of music…
- Must love alt-country and punk and everything from the 90s and just music in general. If you don’t go to a lot of shows, I can’t be with you. Because that’s all I want to do.
- Has siblings and is best friends with them. At least one of them has to be a sister. Guys without sisters are emotionally inept.
- Dog person. No cats. Ever.
- Likes good beer and whiskey. Also not a lightweight. I can drink a lot. You better be able to keep up.
- Wants to have 4 kids and is open to a few or all of them being adopted
- Has broad shoulders and tan man arms/hands/wrists
-  Can put up with the fact that I’m motivated and fiercely independent and hard to deal with sometimes especially at the beginning when I have walls. Once I trust you enough not to destroy my heart, I’m the most affectionate/low-maintenance girlfriend ever, I swear
- Can put up with the fact that I love to laugh and be unserious/ridiculous and also that I still have a huge imagination
- Knows that I have the potential to do amazing things for the world with my huge capacity to love and encourages/supports/pushes me the whole way to get things done. The greatest loves are those that make you an even more exceptional person than you ever thought you could be.
- Wants to have as many random experiences and see as many places as possible before we die together when we’re 95
- Knows that life is about way more than just making money and that it’s better to find a career that fits the life you want instead of making your life fit around your career
- Sees right through my shit and makes me accountable for it
- Does not have rich parents. I could write a book on why. But for now, just take my word for it.
- Remembers my birthday every year. I don’t even need a party or a present or a nice dinner or anything. You just have to say Happy Birthday and acknowledge that I’m one year older and happy about it. I don’t care about the whole anniversary thing or any other date that might be important. You just have to care that I’ve successfully lived another year and be happy that I’m around.
- Wants to settle down in Pittsburgh when we’re ready for that type of thing. My kids need to be close to my family and the farm. I want them to be able to have the experience of partially growing up there.
- Believes in lazy Sundays. Reading, cooking, chilling on the porch swing, watching football, napping in the hammock, etc.

I have yet to meet a guy that’s all those things. I don’t think I’ve met a guy that even comes close. Maybe I’m asking for too much. Like the soccer coaching is probably a stretch. And I could just buy a Jeep for myself. But… in general, that’s what I’m looking for. And Matt was so far off of that. And honestly, those things haven’t really changed from when I was 17 so I don’t know what I was doing. We had weirdly amazing chemistry that I got caught up in then it turned into love so even though we had seriously fundamental differences, it lasted a long time. And now I’ve learned a ridiculously critical lesson which I am grateful for and it’s only going to get better from here.

I can’t wait to find the guy that’s all those things or close to all those things. I want to listen to Tinfoil Hats and look this hypothetical person and know that we’re happy in every way on ever level.

Kid, I’m gonna be with you longer than the world can stand
‘Cause there’s a light that’s stronger
Shining out of your eyes
I see it

And even if I never find this ideal man I’m so so happy just being single that it’s totally ok. If I only ever have a dog and a boat, I’ll consider my life successful/happy/fulfilled. As I said, it’s better to be alone than settle for something that doesn’t make you happy in every way. The point of existence is to live happily and it’s very possible to be more unhappy than happy when you’re with the wrong person.

I’m exploding with life and love and hope. Yeah, there’s underlying anger there. But it actually is going away. I’m not a dweller. It’s time to put my brave face on and just expect that he’s going to continue to be a dick and make me upset and so I’m going to find a way to move past it and live my life and not let it bother me.

The miles and miles of hostility running definitely helps too.

Songs For Staying In

Exhaustion on every level. I might not make it out for the second night in a row and this makes me feel super lame. Happy Valley is the cause. WORTH IT.

The game was a blow out. Granted, they were playing Eastern Michigan but it’s still nice to see PSU kick ass. Plus, any day I spend with Binks is a good one. He’s the best little brother a person could hope to have. When I hugged him goodbye, we realized we’ve seen each other for the last 4 weekends in a row. That never happens. Ever. I went home for Labor Day then there was PSU/Alabama then home again then the game today. And we have a family thing in Reynoldsville next weekend and the weekend after that is PSU/Iowa. That’s a total of 6 weekends in a row. Usually, we go 6 months without seeing each other. Penn State brings families together. That’s the take-home lesson from this.

Anyway, the drive from Pittsburgh to State College is one of the most gorgeous road trips you can venture upon. Especially in the fall. I-99 around the Altoona area is breathtaking. You’re basically on top of a mountain and you can see for miles across the tops of other mountains. And the big wind turbines are beautiful. RENEWABLE ENERGY! All I want to do is build a house on top of one of those mountains and live happily ever after. In my normal self-sabotage way, this made me question whether I really need to go south to be happy. Everything I’ve ever wanted is here. Maybe. I’m just doing that destructive second guessing thing again I think. Alabama/Louisiana soon, house on a mountain later. I have the rest of my life for that. Limitless New Orleans crazy times can only be enjoyed during a short window of time. Basically, your 20s. And anyway, you can’t live on the top of a mountain AND live on a body of water so that conflicts with the pier/boat dreams. I guess I could have two houses, but that seems unnecessary. I’d rather take the money I would use for a second house and do something good for the world. The best plan is probably do one at a time. Like have a mountain house then a water house or vice versa. Or move between the two. This is quickly becoming absolutely unrealistic.

I think I just love the earth.

The more I type here, the more tempted I am to stay in. Sometimes it’s just nice to chill. Obviously, it’s nicer to chill if you have someone to snuggle with. But being single has a trillion benefits and I’m more than content because being single means that there’s no mess to deal with in my life right now and that makes me feel free and happy and infinite every day. Relationships are nothing more than messes. Wow, that’s shockingly pessimistic. Bleh, what is wrong with me? I wish I could kick the negativity.

Moving on… Favorite staying in activity: watching documentaries on Netflix. I want to cancel my Netflix account so badly especially since it got way more expensive (and what’s up with that whole “splitting into two services” thing?). But I can’t. Not when it shows me a specific category of options titled “Understated Documentaries” (what does that even mean?) and I realize that I want to watch all of them.

Here’s the list:
- Microcosmos
- Ingredients
- The Warning
- Mugabee and the White African
- Unmistaken Child
- Colony
- Objectified
- Up the Yangtze
- Picasso and Braque Go to the Movies
- Russian Revolution in Color
- Sound and Fury
- The Listening Project
- The Fall of Fujimori
- High Lonesome: The Story of Bluegrass Music 

I don’t even know which one I would watch tonight because they all seem awesome.

And this is the “based on your interest in” list from the selections above:
- God Grew Tired of Us **
- Man on Wire **
- The Cove
- The Business of Being Born
- Food, Inc.**
- The Buddha
- The Human Experience
- The Art of the Steal **
- Exit Through the Gift Shop

The documentaries that are starred are the ones that you absolutely have to see because they’re phenomenal.

Ok, it’s no contest at this point. Staying in: 1, going out: 0. Well, at least that’s the score for tonight. I think the lifetime total is… staying in: 11, going out: 7,381.

I hope this doesn’t become a pattern of unsociable/nerdy behavior. It’s bad enough that I read National Geographic… but documentaries on a Saturday night? Ugh.

Actually, I choose not to care. Do what you want. Be yourself. Love the simple things. Strategically, I should be out roaming the city for a potential new guy. But honestly, I’m totally content with being alone right now. And realistically, any guy I actually want to date is probably also at home watching documentaries on Netflix so we’d never find each other anyway because that’s how the universe works. And historically, finding a new guy has never been a huge part of my going out agenda. My priorities are 1) having a great time with my friends and 2) drinking. The South Side is full of bros anyway. And Lawrenceville is full of hipsters. And Greenfield is full of guys who have their shit together. And Oakland is full of college kids. And Shadyside is full of annoying guys who have their shit way together. And Bloomfield is a little crazy but it’s my favorite right now. (Squirrel Hill is weirdly ok for meeting new guys)

Plus, there’s no shame in taking it easy after you were gone all day. Especially if the next day is going to be outrageously busy as well. Premier League soccer –> Little Italy Days (I love Pittsburgh) with the Bloomfield crew –> BBQ at my Greenfield house –> Steelers game into the night (location TBD).

PS – the 9/24/11 road trip album: Ode to Sunshine by Delta Spirit. I think I listened to it 3 times because everything about it was perfect for this particular September day.

PPS – Mary’s at a rodeo. She sent me a pic of it with the Rocky Mountains as a backdrop. I want/NEED to go west.