Monthly Archives: May 2011

Sincere Parting Words From The Best Coworker I’ve Ever Had

I left 5 months ago, then I came back (it was a last resort). Now my work BFF is leaving to pursue a brighter future. This place is a dump.

Here’s the advice I was left with…

“Have a nice life, and whenever you decide to break up with douchey, remember that you’ll find someone better very quickly. Also, enjoy traveling around the earth… Maybe you’re wiener blind, but that’s ok, as long as you’re happy. And when you’re not, then I know things will work out for you.”

I’m pretty optimistic about my future.

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The [First Three] Questions I Ask Everybody I Meet In Order To Decide If I Can Love Them

…according to Chuck Klosterman. There are actually 23. I’m too lazy to type. Or copy/paste/format for that matter. Google can show you the rest.

1. Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume he can do five simple tricks—he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, the can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can’t learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he’s doing these five tricks with real magic. It’s not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He’s legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence. Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?

2. Let us assume that a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but complete immobile.  And let us assume that—for some reason—every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots. Would you attempt to do this?

3. Let us assume that there are two boxes on a table. In on box, there is a relatively normal turtle. In the other, Adolf Hitler’s skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can’t give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler’s skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical. Which option do you select?

Yes, I finally read Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs… and it’s relatively pointless to blog about since everyone’s read it already. I’m 8 years too late.

Whatever. I’m writing about it anyway (kind of).

After reading the first chapter, I thought Chuck Klosterman was my soul mate. Then I learned 2 things that make him not my soul mate:
1) He hates soccer
2) He thinks Star Wars is for kids

I think there was another one but I can’t remember what it is.

Anyway, here’s a list of the best chapters (definitely read) followed by a list of the ones that are probably worthwhile (reasonably interesting) followed by a list of the ones that you can skip (offer no penetrating insight).

Don’t Miss:
– This Is Emo
– Toby over Moby
– This Is Zodiac Speaking
– All I Know Is What I Read in the Papers
– I, Rock Chump
– How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found

Casually read:
– Billy Sim
– What Happens When People Stop Being Polite (unless you haven’t seen the older seasons of the Real World)
– Appetite for Replication
– George Will vs. Nick Hornby
– The Lady or the Tiger
– Being Zach Morris (unless you haven’t seen Saved By The Bell)
– Sulking with Lisa Loeb on the Ice Planet Hoth
– The Awe-Inspiring Beauty of Tom Cruise’s Shattered, Troll-like Face

Skip:
– Every Dog Must Have His Every Day, Every Drunk Must Have His Drink
– Ten Seconds to Love
– 33
– Porn

Question: Is There A Beastie Boys Album That I Don’t Absolutely Love In Every Way?

Answer: No.

And Hot Sauce Committee Part Two feels like the best thing to ever happen to my life… other than all their other albums, of course.

Please go out and grab it ASAP. You’ll be suspended in bliss for days.

Oh, and check this out (best 30 minutes of your day, guaranteed): Fight For Your Right (Revisited)

And, finally… I heard this fantastic bit on NPR last Friday while cursing horrendous Pittsburgh traffic patterns (obviously the one from 5/6/11 that says “Beastie Boys” in the description): NPR Fresh Air podcast.