Monthly Archives: August 2011

Because I Couldn’t Let Go When The Water Hit The Setting Sun

This is what Mary said about Jayber Crow before she loaned it to me… “It will make you miss everyone you’ve ever known and every place you’ve ever been.”


I can’t remember the last time I was this preoccupied with a book.

You just start thinking about life in weird ways. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s just different. You’re sad that it’s gone but happy that it happened? I can’t come up with a good description.

White Daisy Passing – Rocky Votolato


I’m A Freak And I’m Nervous When It’s Easy

True story. Must self-correct. Sometimes I wonder if Stephan Jenkins ruined a lot of good things before he came to that realization. Regardless, he put it in a song and I can’t thank him enough because it triggered a rush of self-awareness.

I am a master of self-sabotage.

I have this eternal tendency to believe that someday the amazing stuff in life will actually be too good to be true. So, I have a resistance to some things. A lot of things, actually. Therefore, I cheat myself out of really being able to enjoy the best things and settle for everything that’s subpar. If something’s mediocre or good, I go all out with the potential to make it great and end up happy. But if something’s already great, it scares the shit of me and I freeze and don’t know what to do with it so I usually ruin the great thing and inadvertently banish it from my life forever. Trying to perfect something is what I know how to do. Actually enjoying something that’s perfect or near perfect is what I need to learn how to do. This applies to school, people, hobbies… you name it. Everything.

Moving away from that crap, this was really the best day evah! The application is done. Finally. It shouldn’t have taken so long but I resorted to lame internet procrastination because I was kind of anxious about the possibility of not getting in. Also, I think I’ve been happy for three straight weeks. Which hasn’t happened for the last three years.

Long morning bike ride –> rediscovered music as if I’ve been dead since October 2008 –> cranked up the Ryan Adams while running errands –> some of my Alabama dreams came true –> started a volcano with Desi –> read part of Jayber Crow on the porch swing –> fell asleep on the porch swing and had a monumental nap –> made homemade pizza

Simplicity is soothing. But it also gives me too much time to think. And things quickly become complicated with over-analyzation. It’s kind of wearisome to always be looking for a way to balance the two. I feel like I’m trying to achieve nirvana or something.

My goal is to start September with a clear head. Which requires me to stop freaking out about a few things and embrace them instead. Go away, hesitations.


And the world cannot be discovered by a journey of miles, no matter how long, but only by a spiritual journey, a journey of one inch, very arduous and humbling and joyful, by which we arrive at the ground at our own feet, and learn to be at home.
– Wendell Berry

Science Fair Volcano, 14 Years Too Late

This summer was rough. I was working full-time and taking A&P for 15 hours a week then studied for 10 hours a week and probably spent 10+hours a week on my boyfriend.

Maths: 168 hours in a week – 75 hours of all that stuff – 49 (7×7) hours of sleep – 7 hours (approximation) of commuting home to work to school to home and activities on the weekends – 14 hours of basic stuff (showering, eating, cleaning, laundry) = 23 hours… 23 hours/7 days = 3.29 hours/day for my personal activities. And mostly, I was too exhausted to do much with those 3.29 hours. A lot of the time, I just spent an extra hour sleeping each night and watched Netflix for the rest. On some rare days, I worked out. Basically, since a lot of free time was used up on the weekends, every weekday was productivity from first thing in the morning all the way up to bedtime.

However, during the first week of August, all the big time wasters changed. I started a job where I only work 30 hours a week, school ended, and I dumped Matt. It became a free-time palooza in theory. I wasn’t actually able to enjoy anything until last Wednesday morning though. It took 3 weeks to de-stress and enjoy life. Not even kidding.

Now I have notes and projects and journals and I finish books and my room is immaculately clean and I have time to Zumba/bike/run/whatever. Gaining weight in the summer is a completely foreign concept to me. I feel gross.

More time for blogging also. More time than ever for blogging. Prepare for an onslaught.

Anyway, finally arriving at the purpose of this entry… tomorrow, I’m making a science fair volcano with Desi. I’m living the life with one weekday off of work per week. It’s a dream. Especially since I make more working part-time than I did working full-time at my old job.

You gotta do research first if you wanna make a truly epic one. I kind of want this to light up because it’s my tendency to try to make everything light up. I don’t know if that can happen in one day, but we’ll see. Liquid and electricity don’t mix. Anyway, now I have to decide which type of eruption best suits the volcano I see in my imagination.

Disclaimer: all the people in these videos are annoying

– Vinegar and Baking Soda (skip to the middle): Semi-explosive, excess of lava, middle of the road in terms of duration
Yeast and Peroxide (skip to the end… VERY END):  Oozy like real lava, goes for a long time
Mentos and Diet Soda (skip to the middle-end… those people are probably Christian fundamentalists also):  Super explosive, not very realistic, short-lived

Tough decision. I hope the answer comes to me in my sleep. Input appreciated.

Mary’s Penn State Prayer

Dear Lord,
Please let every Penn State football game be on TV here in Utah. I’d GREATLY appreciate it!! Amen.

PS – I promise I won’t take it for granted. I’ll skip skiing/hiking adventures and USU games if only to have the chance to view football greatness weekly. Amen (again).

She posted that with this ridiculous link:  Penn State Football Pump Up 2011

Also ridiculous: JoePa Pre-Game Montage… I might have shed a little tear.

When Penn State beats Alabama on 9/10/11, I’m going to be in Beaver Stadium and it’s going to be the best day of my life.

Looking For Faces In The Clouds

Late August is weird/sad sometimes. Little things trigger memories and make me feel the subtle sting of heartbreak. Honestly, when someone you really really loved dies, you never get over it. You move on and live life and whatnot, but it’s still kind of always there with you. The end of summer has this underlying mood sometimes because those were our best days. He was just one of those good genuine decent people who makes you a better person by association. That’s so corny but it’s so true. There are people like that who somehow influence you to strengthen your best qualities/abilities/tendencies and shut down the worst just by being amazingly loving, open, honest, and selfless people themselves. I’m so grateful to have had him in my life as a best friend and some days I feel infinitely lost in the absence. I owe him pretty much my whole life purpose as a human living on this earth and even though I fall short of his compassion for people every day, I will never do anything other than everything I can to honor his memory. He’s the reason I have the courage to cut the life crap that’s not working and move toward the positive/productive. But sometimes, after all these years, there’s that one thing that happens briefly in a day when everything stops for a second and something goes off in my head where I once again acknowledge the fact that he’s not here anymore and won’t be ever again. It’s not like I forget obviously. But it’s just that sometimes I more intensely feel the hollow emptiness where he used to be in like an “Oh yeah, he’s gone now…” kind of way that’s basically a quick prick of sadness in the core of my body that makes time stop. Like… one minute, I’m happily eating pizza. And the next minute. I stop inhaling oxygen for 3 seconds then feel melancholy ’til bedtime.

RIP, buddy. You were very loved and are very missed.

Firefly – Saves The Day