I’m A Freak And I’m Nervous When It’s Easy

True story. Must self-correct. Sometimes I wonder if Stephan Jenkins ruined a lot of good things before he came to that realization. Regardless, he put it in a song and I can’t thank him enough because it triggered a rush of self-awareness.

I am a master of self-sabotage.

I have this eternal tendency to believe that someday the amazing stuff in life will actually be too good to be true. So, I have a resistance to some things. A lot of things, actually. Therefore, I cheat myself out of really being able to enjoy the best things and settle for everything that’s subpar. If something’s mediocre or good, I go all out with the potential to make it great and end up happy. But if something’s already great, it scares the shit of me and I freeze and don’t know what to do with it so I usually ruin the great thing and inadvertently banish it from my life forever. Trying to perfect something is what I know how to do. Actually enjoying something that’s perfect or near perfect is what I need to learn how to do. This applies to school, people, hobbies… you name it. Everything.

Moving away from that crap, this was really the best day evah! The application is done. Finally. It shouldn’t have taken so long but I resorted to lame internet procrastination because I was kind of anxious about the possibility of not getting in. Also, I think I’ve been happy for three straight weeks. Which hasn’t happened for the last three years.

Long morning bike ride –> rediscovered music as if I’ve been dead since October 2008 –> cranked up the Ryan Adams while running errands –> some of my Alabama dreams came true –> started a volcano with Desi –> read part of Jayber Crow on the porch swing –> fell asleep on the porch swing and had a monumental nap –> made homemade pizza

Simplicity is soothing. But it also gives me too much time to think. And things quickly become complicated with over-analyzation. It’s kind of wearisome to always be looking for a way to balance the two. I feel like I’m trying to achieve nirvana or something.

My goal is to start September with a clear head. Which requires me to stop freaking out about a few things and embrace them instead. Go away, hesitations.

Semi-relevant…

And the world cannot be discovered by a journey of miles, no matter how long, but only by a spiritual journey, a journey of one inch, very arduous and humbling and joyful, by which we arrive at the ground at our own feet, and learn to be at home.
– Wendell Berry
 

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