The last 3 days were exhausting. Disclaimer: this is not going to make any sense.
Whenever you’re in a state of irresolvable turmoil, I say go back to the most basic parts of yourself that you know to be true and then rebuild from there.
This weekend was everything I needed. At one point, I really felt like chunks of my bitter/hostile exterior were falling off. Catharsis at 80 mph.
Something about being with people you’ve known forever in places from your past makes you come to terms with who you are and all of a sudden you know exactly how you need to be living. My 17 year old self would probably hate the person I became over the last few years.
It’s good to go back to what’s most familiar. I feel like I talk about home all the time but it’s like I can’t really unwind in the city like I can in the middle of nowhere. Especially in WNY. I mean, I love Western PA and it feels like home in so many ways but it’s good to go back to the Finger Lakes and cornfields and drink Bully Hill and see everyone I used to know. It’s flat there. There’s space for my thoughts/soul to spread out. I have this weird spiritual thing with the earth. Sometimes I think it’s time to grow up and be rational about this and realize that it’s probably just the Imaginationland thing that makes me feel trapped in the city. But seriously, I can’t clear my head here like I can in the country. It shouldn’t change my ability to think/process/rationalize/cope but it does. I guess everyone needs a breather once in awhile and people just go about it in different ways.
I made a ton of pies. And got a sunburn. And listened to the Avett Brothers.
You should listen to the 2nd and 3rd live albums in a row. I don’t know how they did it, but Vol. 2 forces internal purging to the max. Things get truthy. But then Vol. 3 makes you feel ok because you realize that everyone makes mistakes and the only time they’re ever a big deal is if you’re a chump and don’t learn from them. That’s what mistakes are for. Keep living and try your hardest. If you’re doing that, then you’re doing ok.
Head full of doubt. Road full of promise.
So I scream til I die or the last of those bad thoughts are finally out