I changed my mind about that back to back song thing on A Carolina Jubilee. It’s not the best because the White Daisy Passing/Portland Is Leaving on Rocky Votolato’s Makers album is tied for #1. I guess you could say Rocky Votolato’s is the best opening combo and the Avett Brothers have the best middle of an album combo.
I decided that by the time 5PM rolls around, I end up hating my day off. Too much time to ponder/ruminate/contemplate. It basically just ends in feeling the heartache. I’m overtly happy and feel that good things are happening daily. But the underlying sorrow is still pretty powerful. I just hate to acknowledge it. I hated so many things about that relationship but you don’t come out of any 3 year relationship without some nagging agony.
Thinking/alone time is definitely good for simplifying everything though. I mean, it’s important to face things at some point. You kind of have to burn everything down before you can rise from the ashes. Like strip everything away and go back to the beginning. I’m still not myself yet. 3 years of slowly becoming someone else makes it hard to figure out what parts of me are genuine traits/goals and what aren’t.
“The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.”
– Hans Hofmann
Needless to say, it’s complex/arduous work. Everything unnecessary is slowly going by the wayside. It’s like having a life yard sale. Friends, activities, interests, characteristics, actual stuff, desires, etc. are getting thrown out the window. As soon as I think I’m back to the bare minimum fundamentals of my life, I realize there’s more crap I don’t need and I purge that too.
“Chris was very much of the school that you should own nothing except what you can carry on your back at a dead run.”
– Into The Wild
Maybe that’s referring explicitly to material possessions… but really, I think can apply to everything. Sometimes you just need to feel that you’re not accountable to anyone (or for anything) but yourself. At any given point, you should be supporting only what you absolutely need. The nonessential stuff will drag you down. Into The Wild really is my gospel. I haven’t decided whether that’s healthy or not yet.
Realization: I’m totally not ready to be dating yet. My mom knew it, my best friends knew it, and even the guys I was dating knew it. I’m happy to be on the same page finally. Love is the most important thing. It’s the most simple/basic element of life. And I’m not ready to try again. I kind of knew this a few weeks ago but now I’ve really come to terms with it. I want to be unbroken and less wary. Right now, I react with hostility toward everything associated with affection and trust and intimacy and attachment. Obviously, I’m not ready to be careful with anyone else’s heart. I’m reckless. I’m selfish. I’m narcissistic. So many years of putting someone else’s needs above my own has made me compulsively only care about my own. I get what I want when I want it. And it’s the absolute most inappropriate and abhorrent way to behave but I can’t completely restrain it right now. And I think that’s ok. I hate it but these things take time. I want to heal so that I can have that great kind of love that comes with lazy Sundays and staying in on Friday nights sometimes because going out is silly when you have everything you already want and holding hands and sharing secrets and slow kisses and encouraging each other to be the best people you can be and all that other crap. Honestly, I kind of feel like I’ve been more or less a little hostile to that idea since I was 14. I got the cynicism disease at an early age.
Simplifying and living at the most basic level of existence with bare minimum needs means that all the hang ups you may have that contribute to the disenchantment and world-weariness just go away. The greatest people I know live simply. Dissenting is my #1 strength. And now I’m fighting back against all this superfluous crap.
At this point, I know two things about myself. They’re semi-related…
1) I have an intense capacity to love which is also why I have an intense capacity to build walls. Super vulnerability requires super defenses or else you’d never be able to survive.
2) The only life purpose I’ve ever felt is the need to help other people. Somehow, even though I need that 5 years ago, it got pushed aside. Obviously, it never completely went away. But I used to be an activist with idealistic dreams.
Now I’m an egocentric person with a decrepit soul. And I’m regretting every second of the last 3 years except the part where this relationship taught me to LOVE love and all its components/requisites even though it was a broken type of love for many periods throughout those years. Even though I need the freedom/independence to be able to get up and go at a moment’s notice right now, at some point, the healing will be complete and I’ll be the best and most selfless committer you’ve ever seen.
It’s gonna be ok. I can’t wait to be ok. But for now, I understand that this is what needs to be happening so that the future can be a good one.
I’m gonna stay up all night every night for the rest of my life
‘Til the lines around my eyes grow deeper and more defined
You might ask me, “Aren’t you dead inside and so damn tired?”
“I’ll say, “I have no idea, I’m not sleeping until after the dying is over”
I can hear laughter in the distance and it all comes clear
Sounds too simple
Love is the only answer
When love’s a train wreck, you’re a mistake
– Portland Is Leaving, Rocky Votolato
This album is my entire self tonight. Listen to it. We’ve all lived (or will live) all 12 of the songs at some point.