So, I haven’t posted in a week. Underlying rage has prevented me from forming any coherent thoughts about anything. Needless to say, pick-up football didn’t happen last week the way it was supposed to. I seriously thought that once I broke up with him, my life would be less ruined. And it kind of is in some ways but it’s kind of worse in a lot of ways. Ex-boyfriends don’t make things easy. Guys are fucking children. He totally undid that “no hate” thing. The hate is back. This shit is real.
Here’s the list though.
1) Anger from last Thursday that carried all the way through last night which was amplified by yet another situation where I realized that I’m not actually crazy for making the decision I did and that made things both better and worse at the same time. Better because I knew I did the right thing because all my fears/suspicions/sadnesses that influenced the decision were confirmed. Worse because I was right to do what I did and he was wrong to be upset about it because he was the one that fucked up so it’s OUTRAGEOUSLY unmerited for him to be sad or mad or whatever he is that’s been the reason I’m banned from 95% of social events he’s involved in. Which is all of them.
2) The sprint down Fifth Ave from S Highland to Beechwood Blvd at the end of my Shadyside loop. That last stretch is only half a mile but I wasn’t pacing myself from the start because it was freezing out so I was exhausted before I even initiated the final leg to my car. And also, cold air makes your lungs burn so much worse. Side note: running is the only thing Shadyside is good for. I hate the douchey residents. I hate the tight two way streets that should actually be one way. I hate the lack of parking that comes between me and the immediate happy hour satisfaction of long islands at 5801. Then again, driving around for 10 minutes looking for a spot makes the drinking/company that much sweeter once it finally happens.
3) The intersection at Shady Ave and Fifth. I was basically in a bad spot in the middle of the intersection because I tried to make the left turn when no cars were coming but then one zoomed up and thwarted my effort. So then the light turned yellow and I went to complete the turn right before it went red but someone tried to speed up and hustle through the red light while I was turning and almost t-boned me.
The weird thing is that in that moment when I thought I was going to die, I didn’t even care. I was unfazed. Anger is making me nihilistic. It’s making my soul turn black and disgusting. And I don’t know what to do about it. Nothing makes it better. I meet new boys then throw them out like garbage. In August, I was almost normal. Not quite enough to want to do the relationship thing again and there was a decent amount of hostility but it was nothing like this. It’s getting worse instead of better. And that doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe because Matt should build a bridge and get over it? Especially after 2.5 months?
I know it’s not right but at least I’m not really leading them on? I don’t say I’m interested when I’m not. Nothing ever really goes beyond the first date or first time we meet. I don’t really send mixed signals either. Although, I guess it is weird when you seem to have a decent time but then ignore all their calls/texts. Sigh. I feel like someone’s holding a magnet over my moral compass. If you don’t know anything about magnets or compasses, that means it’s spinning and useless.
My integrity is at stake and I am absolutely lost.
All hands on deck, boys
‘Cause this ship was made to sink
– Third Eye Blind, Thanks A Lot
I’m doing down like the Titanic. But trying not to take everyone along with me. Although it’s difficult. I think I broke Mary’s heart with bitterness today. I’m like a werewolf that needs to be locked up until this passes.
I’ll do my best to run through the highlights of the last week in some sort of blog effort tomorrow. There were a lot of good things that happened, I swear. You can still more or less enjoy life even if the state of your soul is a downward spiral of depravity.
This album was on repeat all day because it will always and forever bring sheer happiness even if it’s just temporary and only really resolves the issue at the surface. It makes me so carefree I could cry sometimes. It solves problems. There’s a lot of good life shit in there. My emotional/mental state converts to wild and unending.
I believe in the sand beneath my toes
The beach gives a feeling, an earthy feeling
I believe in the faith that grows
And the four right chords can make me cry
When I’m with you I feel like I could die
And that would be all right
– Third Eye Blind, Semi-Charmed Life
Someday I’ll feel that again like I used to. I have to believe that deep down there’s inextinguishable light in me or else there really is no reason to be alive. In spite of any difficulty, you still just have to love life and put your head down and power through the bad times.