Jesus And The Steelers

That title could also be the title of a children’s book, I think. Where Jesus is the QB and and he leads the struggling Steelers to the biggest Superbowl victory of all time. It would obviously be an end times/Revalation-esque allegory because the world needs more of those.

(Side note: If some people think Revelation is an allegory about the end times, then all the allegories about Revelation are actually allegories about an allegory about the end times which is mind-blowing and nonsensical like those paintings within a painting. I’m reading Godel, Escher, Bach right now so everything in my brain ends up becoming an infinite loop somehow. Even when I play Trainyard Express in class, I end up making elaborate and literal infinite loops  in the track instead of meeting the objective of getting all the trains to to the station… Digression: complete.)

But if Tim Tebow is the second incarnation of Jesus, then that allegory/tale is actually reality instead of a bedtime story for kids. The only difference being that the book should technically be called Jesus and the Broncos which is way way way less awesome and totally offensive to me as a Steelers fan. It also means that this is the apocalypse. So, with those three things taken into account, I’m making the final decision right now. Tim Tebow is NOT Jesus. There. Now you have some peace of mind.

And I just got totally sidetracked. It’s because I grew up in the type of Christian family that goes to church every Sunday (and gets dressed up to the nines beforehand) and as a result, the religious stuff rears its ugly head sometimes everything becomes a Christian theology problem and/or allegory in my mind regardless of whether I believe in it or not anymore. I was clearly given way too many Christian allegories to read. The most notable ones probably being the children’s version of The Pilgrim’s Progress and also something about a lamb who went on a journey up a mountain then gets saved by Jesus in a cool mountain stream or something. There were also, of course, an assortment of Revelation ones. This probably makes my mom and dad seem like bad/crazy parents but they’ve actually calmed down a lot and now they’re normal Christians and neither of them have ever hated gay people. My mom’s even a Democrat now! And really, there are some real benefits from all of this that kind of make the scars/baggage seem less bad. For example, I kick ass at those Sporcle quizzes where you have to list things in different categories that start with a certain letter because I always get all the books of the Bible. I could also CRUSH almost every currently practicing Christian in Bible trivia which maybe seems less awesome to you but that’s probably because you’ve never actually watched a game of Bible trivia and have seen how hardcore people get about it.

Anyway, here’s what I was actually going to blog about today before I got sidetracked.

Maybe it’s because I’m subconsciously homesick or something but I’m still hardcore feeling the disbelief from Sunday’s game. Bleck. The fact that we got Tebow’ed is appalling to me. I’m kind of upset that Jesus apparently loves Tim Tebow more than he loves the Steelers.

What gives, Jesus? We have Polamalu (CBN should NOT exist because all the people on that channel are evangelical CRAZIES) and Sepulveda. Both publicly Christians. Both way less obnoxious than Tim Tebow. Essentially, it’s 2 normal Christians who make Christians seem cool vs. 1 ridiculous Christian who makes Christians seem like insane people. The only difference is that Tebow gets way more attention for his Christianity but that’s only because he’s OUTRAGEOUS about it. I’m pretty sure Jesus is a rational guy and so I’m confused because the fact that he was like “Hmm, 2 people who make me look awesome vs. 1 person who makes me seem totally uncool… I wanna be uncool. Let’s go with Tebow,” is an irrational choice. I guess he didn’t get the final approval from God on that one.

Maybe you’re saying, “Well, Jesus is a rebel and he was uncool his whole life. So uncool, in fact, that the Pharisees hung him on a cross. So, it WAS a rational decision to be uncool because that’s just what he does and how he is.” My response to this that, first of all, it’s not 25 AD anymore. We just rang in 2012. Things change. It’s been almost 2000 years. Maybe the guy devised a new strategy that’s more appropriate to the social/cultural changes. Second of all (and semi-relatedly), Jesus wasn’t really uncool. He was “uncool” back then because he wanted people to follow him. He was uncool because he helped the poor and the sick and the prostitutes and basically all the normal people too so then they were all like “Oh, this guy cares about me?!?! God is awesome. Everyone should love God,” and they spread the word and a ton of people jumped on the bandwagon and got into heaven instead of burning in hell. He was uncool so he could achieve his objective goals and save more people. Jesus was only uncool in the “high school uncool” way if you’re insisting that we make comparisons between then and now. What I mean by this is that, as we all know, a really small number of kids in any given high school population decides that the vast majority of the student body are the uncool kids and should be treated as such because the small group of cool kids wield some kind of unexplained power related to socioeconomic status which they didn’t earn but still feel entitled to exert. The Pharisees were the minority at the top of the hierarchy. Jesus was occupying Wall Street and they were the asshole 1%.

With this situation, we’re talking about the real values/definitions of cool and uncool. Tim Tebow is DEFINITELY undermining Jesus’ cause of getting people to heaven so supporting Tebow is supporting people going to hell. I’m sure that tons of rational folks (a.k.a the majority, a.k.a the real cool people) are rejecting heaven because they think it’s gonna be full of Tim Tebow-like people and NO ONE wants to put up with that for all eternity. Rationally, Jesus should want to appeal to the normal people because they’re the majority and Polamalu/Sepulveda appeal to the normal people more than Tebow so Jesus should want them to succeed at life instead, thereby rationally/objectively, he should have wanted the Steelers to win.

Another possible point of contention you have could be based on my 2 vs. 1 ratio analysis. Maybe you’re saying it’s not actually quantitatively valid because:

1 strong safety + 1 punter < 1 QB

in terms of importance/influence/awesomeness/etc.

And my responses to THAT flawed supposition are these:
1) Troy Polamalu is a defensive beast and is at least equally as awesome (if not more awesome, in many cases) than every single QB in the NFL. If you think he should be valued less than Tim Tebow, you’ve clearly never seen him COME OUT OF NOWHERE to destroy a guy or make some kind of miraculous interception.
2) Proof of how awesome/important punters can be: the fake punt situation against the Titans this year. Pretty sure everyone at the bar fell off their stools. It was a game changer.

Another side note of interest: I tried to find more proof of Christian Steelers so my argument would be stronger but I’m pretty sure you can’t actually petition Jesus for justice so it doesn’t matter anyway. I did find this blog during my Google search though. And I’m hella confused by it and partially bemused. Immediately, I went in search of the explanation. This was the best I could do… Scroll down to the 9/12/05 post. Yep, still confused/bemused. I don’t know what makes Christian Steelers fans any different from regular Steelers fans but apparently there is a distinction according to those people. Maybe? I actually don’t know what their point is. I looked up Revlation 1:18 because I was curious and in search of their truth and I was really hoping it was gonna say:

And God declared that the Pittsburgh Steelers would be his favorite team and all who worshiped him and cheered for the Steelers would ascend into heaven before everyone else so they could be the first to claim the extra big mansions and therefore receive the most eternal treasure they’d been working toward their whole earthly lives.

…because then that blog might make sense. But what it actually says is:

I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades.

And I’m maybe even more confused about the blog after looking that up.

Here’s a semi-related thing that also blows my mind. Real Facebook status  of someone I know:

oh… my… goodness… well, on the bright side, maybe the Broncos will win the super bowl and show the whole country that prayer really does work? and that God really does exist?? and remember that Jesus is truly a Steelers Fan and He just wants Ben to rest his ankle so he can play better next year!! Romans 8:28, it’s all for the good of God’s perfect plan!!

The thing that truly kills me is the part about Ben and his ankle. I think I laughed for a good 45 seconds. It gets better too. Someone else commented back with this:

although God may be a steeler fan (lol), i think this is all in the best interest of HIS name–tebow (although i hate to admit it and am SO depressed right now) is such an advocate of Christianity, and such a role model–more people are interested in God right now because of tebow–and i’ll bet more people have looked up John 3:16 today that have never touched a bible! I think it was all in God’s plan, football is important, but he is using tebow talents to spread the word! (ouch, that hurt coming out-still wish we would have won!)

There is just way too much insanity in all of that for me to handle and/or briefly analyze right now.

I basically maintain that, like the people responsible for those Facebook statements, Tim Tebow is a religious crazy who makes Christianity look bad to normal people. Polamalu and Sepulveda probably seem like cool guys who just happen to love Jesus a lot and therefore are better champions for the Christianity cause and therefore the Steelers should have won instead of Tim Tebow.

So, none of this makes sense. Unless there are other public Christians on the Broncos and I just couldn’t find them in my Christian Broncos Google search because they’re overshadowed by the Tebow hype. Or unless you take into account the fact that:
1) Sepulveda actually barely plays for the Steelers because he gets placed on IR every year so it’s more of a 1 vs. 1 scenario instead of a 2 vs. 1 scenario and so maybe a collection of some unknown/negligible circumstances just barely allowed the Broncos to become Jesus’ pick
2) Ben probably raped a girl and, as Cory so eloquently put it,

Today, the Broncos proved that Jesus hates rape.

Maybe Cory’s right. So that would mean that my argument is totally off base because it misses the point. In the scientific method, if your hypothesis doesn’t end up making sense and/or there’s no real evidence for it and/or it doesn’t meet certain logical guidelines, then you have to throw it out and start over with another hypothesis.

Cory’s seems to be logically consistent with the facts so I’m adopting it as my next hypothesis. I just wasted a good 10 minutes of time and a non-quantifiable amount of thought process energy on that first theory. It’s a humbling experience to know that you were wrong and someone else was right all along. I’m not very accustomed to that feeling because it rarely happens (just kidding, guys).

Final conclusion in brief summary form:
Jesus hates rape and that’s why the Steelers lost. Tim Tebow has nothing to do with it and Jesus hates his super-inflated religious ego just as much as sane people like us hate it. But rape is the only thing that Jesus hates more than that super-inflated religious ego, so the outcome was based on a “lesser of two evils” scenario.

Now my mind is at rest. The answers have been found. I can resume my studies and concentrate on memorizing meds for the Pharmacology exam on Thursday. And I can’t wait ’til next season when the Steelers will rise like a phoenix and annihilate everyone.


One response to “Jesus And The Steelers

  1. Pingback: Various And Sundry | In Between A Rock And The Back Wall

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