Ambivalence Insomnia

I’m so outrageously pumped for next weekend. I’m also really really dreading it at the same time.

I can’t wait to be home. I can’t wait to party all weekend. I can’t wait to be a bridesmaid.

I’m dreading the part where I have to see Matt again because if it were up to me, I’d never have to see him again as long as I live. I’m dreading seeing all the ex-friends involved in the whole “standing up for myself and leaving Pittsburgh on bad terms with a ton of people” thing. This could be super painful and awkward.

When I finally lay down in my bed, if it’s not stress from clinical that’s keeping me awake, it’s the wedding situation. I’m either way too excited to sleep or way too anxious. For 10 minutes, I’ll be thinking “AHHH I CAN’T WAIT FOR THIS,” then during the next 10 minutes, my brain is like “AHHH I DON’T WANT TO GO.”

I feel bad for the people who have to sit next to me on the plane next Friday. I’m going to be radiating energy like a pulsar. Even if I’m just sitting still and we’re not talking, they’re going to feel it and get off the plane wondering why their baseline for mental and emotional excitation is way way off.

This sounds like some kind of crazy new age superstitious aura type stuff but if there’s one thing I’ve learned during this first rotation in the hospital, it’s that people do have energy and you are affected by it, whether their energy levels and types are overtly apparent or not. Anytime you’re doing any sort of cooperative or interpersonal work, the group or environmental milieu can be changed significantly by just one person. They may not be doing anything that’s obviously different from anyone else and they may even be just sitting there, but things can feel off somehow and dynamics can change instantly.

If you don’t believe in human energy, it’s probably because you work in a cubicle.

Anyway, during my insomnia last night, I just watched Mike Tomlin press conferences because YouTube is a black hole of time wasting. That kind of calmed me down a bit. Good game or bad game, the man is calm and collected and objective and badass during those press conferences. They inspire me to pull myself together. Plus, they’re awesomely entertaining. Remember that epic “unleash hell in December” one?

Please don’t talk to me about moral victories and things of that nature.

You know, we will not go gently. We will unleash hell here in December because we have to.

And all the videos of Mike Tomlin mic’d on the field are hilarious/awesome. Here’s another.

Brett Favre still reigns supreme for that kind of thing though. But Mike Tomlin is definitely a close #2.

Anyway, speaking of the Steelers, Marisol sent me an email titled “Ryan Clark’s kid is so freaking badass” and this was the link (start somewhere near the middle). I concur 100%.

Also, yesterday I discovered that 2 blocks from my apartment, there’s a house with a huge Steelers flag hanging from the porch. And someone pulled the Pittsburgh Left on me. I should have been upset that they had the audacity to do this in Mobile where it’s not an acceptable driving technique. However, it just made my heart melt with love. Those two things combined with the fact that PNC bought out some other bank chain since I moved down here (so PNC banks are EVERYWHERE now) make me incredibly happy. In January, there were zero. Now there are 500. Every 10 minutes, there’s a PNC bank. These things make me feel like I’m in Pittsburgh. Except it’s a variation of Pittsburgh that has way better weather.

So, anyway…

TLDR: I want to go home. I don’t want to go home. And my obsession with Pittsburgh and the Steelers has yet to wane. In fact, I think it’s intensified.

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