I Will, I Won’t. I Do, I Don’t.

The wedding this weekend was insanity. It was very much a Penn State wedding in every way. My family parties so freakin hard. I miss them immensely.

Also, you can leave for a long time then come back and realize that nothing has changed and nothing will ever change… in so many ways. And that’s kind of comforting actually.

Like on Friday night when I was en route to State College with Mary and my Dad, before we’d even gotten to the Fort Pitt Tunnel, there had already been a solid conversation on brains, a chat about grad school cohorts/research, and a discussion about the people who are no longer Steelers and how Hines Ward’s retirement speech was basically the saddest thing we’ve ever seen in our lives.

It sucks how you can go home and then be even more homesick than you were before even though you just saw everyone.

Also, my school burnout is reaching ridiculously high levels. I have no idea how I’m gonna make it to December.

And this OB/Peds rotation is making me reconsider whether I want to have a family or not. Which is so messed up.

On the bright side, without kids to support, I could buy a new M3. So, then I’d be a badass surgeon with a badass car. Sounds like happily ever after to me.

I’m seriously starting to worry that I’ll never really know what I want. I’m a few weeks away from 25 and still reconsidering damn near everything about every plan I’ve ever tentatively made and every goal I’ve ever had.

I think I just actually am a noncommittal gypsy. And that sucks. Because I’m sick of being that. And I keep hoping that it’s a temporary phase. But can a phase really be a duration of 15 years?

Here’s a good example… Texas.

Six months ago, if (for some reason) I had a good reason to move to Texas, I would have gone… but I’d have been kicking and screaming the whole way.

Now, due to a series of what I’m still considering to be unfortunate events (because I still kind of really don’t want to move to Texas), Austin is maybe tied with New Orleans in terms of January plans.

Here’s why…

I still have no idea where I want to be after I graduate, in terms of potential nursing fields. And I’m kind of realizing that I probably won’t even know come December. So a nurse residency program seems like a good idea. This is basically a 6 to 52 week commitment (depending on the hospital) where you go through different rotations and get good experience in a lot of areas then decide what you want to do and if you’re good enough, the hospital tries to match what you want to do with what they need and/or want you to do then you have a job. It’s a good way to get your foot in the door if you have no experience and don’t want to work med-surg (and I know 100% positively that I don’t want to work med-surg).

Anyway, as far as I can tell from my research, New Orleans has zero nurse residency programs. The whole state of Louisiana has zero.

But Texas has a million.

And on one of my flights on Sunday, I sat next to a guy who grew up in Austin. And he made is sound slightly amazing.

So then I went on OkC to gauge how attractive/interesting/balanced guys from Austin are.

My God… they’re smokin’ hot and not crazy. And if the guys from OkC are that way, then you know that guys in real life all over the city are 500% hotter and more awesome. Because OkC is generally a baseline for figuring out what your worst options are. If those are my worst options, then I’m about to pack up and leave Mobile right now.

But then again… New Orleans is still kind of my dream, even though it never makes logistical sense. Like at first I didn’t have enough money saved to just pick up and go without being guaranteed a job. Then going to nursing school in Mobile made more sense than going to nursing school in New Orleans (shorter program, starting sooner, etc.). And now, it’s like “Oh, going to Texas for a year or two before New Orleans is probably a good idea.”

I feel like I’ll never get there. And I feel like I’m wasting my youth.

Also, Austin is still way far away from the beach. And since I’ve become a total beach bum at this point, I don’t know if I can do that.

Also, I still DON’T REALLY WANT TO MOVE TO TEXAS. But I kind of do want to move to Texas.

Ugh… it’s been like this slow progression from “Ick. Texas…” to “Oh, Texas… cool?” You can probably even track that change from my posts over the last six months. I don’t know what’s happening. My life is spinning out of control right now.

This is still relevant… 7 years later… nothing has really changed. I’m sick of noncommittal transience. But apparently, it’s the only state in which I ever exist.

So, I go back and forth forever
All my thoughts they come in pairs
Oh, I will, I won’t, I do, I don’t
I’m not surprised 
But I never feel quite prepared

Aside from flip cup and making pies, self-sabotage is my best skill.

I’m doomed to wander. Forever.

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