Well, I looked out of my window this morning
And I saw the strangest thing
Oh, everyone was walking on water and dancing in the rain
While this blog is partially a way for me to keep you interested people up to date, it’s also definitely a way for me to keep track of myself.
Since I live in a solid state of transience, I get caught up in life and everything consistently feels like a mess with intermittent periods of “Ok… this is actually ok.”
Austin Kleon (I know, right?!) commented on my very first post and said this:
I’m flattered! Good luck on your blogging quest — I was your age when I started blogging, and it was just a place for me to figure stuff out and find myself. Stick with it.
Goddamn. That became the truest truth of all time, in terms of what my own blog became.
Because honestly, I never remember shit about anything. Ask Desi. I would have forgotten basically every amazing/hilarious/embarrassing thing we ever did if she wasn’t around to remind me.
And since she can’t remind me about my personal thoughts/feelings/epiphanies, I’m happy that I take the time to sit down and crank this stuff out so that it can be saved for posterity. Because then those moments when I’m like “Good God, what the hell is going on?” are a little less traumatic.
I feel like I was born with equivocal wings but for some reason I’m always trying to make everything concrete/stable and have plans and long-term goals and just create a dependable sense of “future” for myself like most other people seem to have. But every time I try, it freaks me the fuck out. So, then I realize that I have to just let go and live because that’s the state in which I’m content. But for some reason, I forget about the resolve that I acquired and get freaked out again.
This blog kind of cuts that process down to something that requires minimal effort. Because I remember vaguely that I’ve already come to conclusions about a lot of this. So, I just re-read it, re-establish that baseline, and continue on with enough time/energy to come up with new insights because the building blocks are there. Maybe it’s two steps forward and one step back… but, whatever. I’ll take it.
Did I post about Letters to a Young Poet, yet? I’m thinking I mentioned it but didn’t comment as extensively as I wanted to. So, here’s a relevant quote:
People have already had to rethink so many concepts of motion; and they will also gradually come to realize that what we call fate does not come into us from the outside, but emerges from us. It is only because so many people have no absorbed and transformed their fates while they were living in them that they have no realized what was emerging from them; it was so alien to them that, in their confusion and fear, they thought it must have entered them at the very moment they became aware of it, for they swore they had never before found anything like that inside them. Just as people for a long time had a wrong idea about the sun’s motion, they are even now wrong about the motion of what is to come. The future stands still, dear Mr. Kappus, but we move in infinite space.
A reference to physics and the solar system during a discussion of self-awareness and fate? YES, PLEASE. I make science analogies all the time. Sometimes I feel like I can really only think in terms of science. My sophomore year of college was a mess of biology analogies for love situations. Rainer Maria Rilke is my homeboy.
Texas is totally fucking with my head. But I don’t have to make the Texas vs. Louisiana decision until like November, so why worry? Also, deep down in my heart, I know I’ll end up in Louisiana because it’s been the driving force of my life for so long. I think I make alternate plans because I’m afraid of the possibility of never actually making it to New Orleans. And/or because I’m afraid that it won’t actually be everything I’ve thought it will be.
Maybe I’m just over-thinking this. All of this.
The shitty thing about my brain is that every day I just want to turn it off. But I have actually turned it off with Adderall and I hated every single second of it.
Some days I’m so frustrated by the fact that my thoughts are incessantly all over the place. Like so frustrated that I could cry. But I’m so used to being like this that when it’s different, I don’t feel like myself. And I honestly think it’s better to be frustrated with yourself than to not feel like yourself.
Although, I really wish I could be studying for today’s OB simulation instead of writing this blog… Why can’t they make PRN medication for this?
I’ve seriously been sitting at a coffee shop since 5:48 and it’s now 8:01. And this simulation is at 11:00. But I’ve been more interested in watching and analyzing the flux of people and messing around on the internet and writing this blog than doing what I’m supposed to be doing.
Coffee shops in the morning are weird. There’s a certain type of person that comes in at 6:00 and a certain type of person that comes in at 7:00 and a certain type of person that comes in at 8:00. It’s so strange. And I never knew this until today… So now I’m blown away by the discovery and can’t focus.
I’m so screwed.
I need Drew to be here so he can hold my face with his hands, look at me straight in the eyes, and say “It’s time to pull yourself together, focus, and get shit done.”
In non-related news, here’s some Jeremy Messersmith just because it’s Wednesday and you probably need it. I sure as hell do.