I dipped out of school this afternoon to go to the gym. Because when you’re this tired and focusing just isn’t going to happen, sometimes you just have to run ’til you feel relaxed again.
The last time I got a good 8 hours of sleep was June 4th. And that’s why my blogs have been crazytown lately. Well, at least that’s what Mary said. But I believe her.
And I’ve been totally mindfucked all day. I opened my birthday card from Nonnie last night because I couldn’t wait ’til my actual birthday (whatever, it’s close enough). And this card was different.
First of all, there was no bible verse written in it. WTF! For the last 25 years (I’m not kidding), that’s been a constant. She’s actually written a bible verse in every single one of my birthday and Christmas cards. It’s just what she does because she’s Nonnie and I’m not religious but when something like that has always been there, you miss it when it’s not.
Second of all, instead of the usual combo of bible verse + regular encouraging note, there was THIS encouraging note:
Do you love medicine? You still have time, intelligence, drive, etc. to be a doctor! 🙂 We love and pray for you each day.
Oh my goodness, she reads minds. Nonnie is like the Spock of grandmothers. I swear to God she mindmelded me from 800 miles away. And yes, contrary to popular belief, you can mindmeld without physical touch.
Spock and the Horta… hello?
So, anyway… it was just SO RANDOM. Like for real, how the hell does she know these things? Unless Mary is leaking all my secrets to everyone in the family (you better not be, bitch) this is absolutely bizarre.
And even though I know I can’t actually be a doctor, this makes the temptation so so so much worse.
It also makes nursing school more difficult. Because before, I was 100% nursing. And then sometime since January, I’ve become 90% nursing and 10% toying with the idea of being a doctor. Now I’m like 25% doctor/75% nurse and this has to STOP because it’s self-sabotage and will only continue to breed unhappiness.
The fact that I even slightly consider Austin and med school as viable options shows that I’ve lost complete control of my life.
I’m like stuck in the riptide of “you could be an orthopedic surgeon if you wanted to be…” and it sucks.
That one morning in the operating room THREW OFF MY GROOVE.
I wanna wear green scrubs and replace hips. Or I’m just making myself think that because I’m afraid of actually being committed to something.