Monthly Archives: July 2012

Stewart Mandel Vs. The NCAA

ESPN and NCAA are dirty words (actually, acronyms) to me now. Thankfully, Sports Illustrated is at least being reasonable about this by acknowledging the legitimacy of criticisms: NCAA’s Mark Emmert overstepped bounds in hammering Penn State

And so, Emmert made sure his organization responded accordingly — even if that meant revoking the traditional due process afforded every other school that’s ever been punished by the NCAA; invoking a nebulous, generalized bylaw about promoting integrity that could easily apply to hundreds of lawbreaking players, coaches and staffers across the country every year; and creating a precedent for dictatorial-like intervention that must now be considered every time a scandal of any proportion arises in college athletics.

That’s just one part but definitely read the whole thing. I can’t really find a flaw in any of his arguments. And this conclusion is pretty prophetic:

Instead, Penn State will remain at the front of the news for many years to come, not for the criminal acts of a former assistant coach or its leaders’ abhorrent inaction in handling him, but for its football players’ inevitable on-field futility.

But at the end of the day, we (still) are Penn State. And I have to believe that someday, somehow, things are going to be ok again. Even if we lose every game for the rest of my life, I will still love every single second of being a Penn State fan. Because, contrary to popular belief, Penn State football is about way more than wins and reputation.

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This Is How You Send Me An OkC Message That I Definitely Won’t Respond To

I like a lot of what your profile has to say. I only worry a lithe thing like you might be too active for a homebody like me. I’m not a paleontologist but I wanted to be one when I was seven and amazed everyone with my knowledge of dino-names. Soccer is boring. but so is football and baseball. I’m all about stupid jokes, and in Alabama we canoe. Kayaking is a good way to tip in gator-water.Halloween is my favorite Christian holiday, but I never got a taste for beer. Been wanting to try some Christmas beer though.

Ok… pro tip: If you’re trying to get someone to like you/respond/hang out with you/etc, you don’t want to emphasize the things you don’t have in common. Eventually those will come up, of course. But, right off the bat, you don’t want to be like “Our lifestyles are different in these 500 ways.” You’re supposed to emphasize why you’d get along/be compatible/have fun together/etc. and include maybe one or two things that are potentially conflicting. Because it’s almost equally as annoying when a guy is like “It sounds like we’re the same in almost every way!” That threatens my sense of individual identity. And also makes the guy sound like he probably has no personality of his own. And also makes him sound like he’s a huge pussy who spends his life overbearingly trying to please girls and make them happy which is maybe the single most annoying trait to find in a guy.

Let’s break this down:

“I only worry a lithe thing like you might be too active for a homebody like me.” Your supposition is probably correct. And that makes you sound lazy and boring. Don’t message me.

“Soccer is boring. but so is football and baseball.” Soccer is my LIFE and football is super important, too. And it’s very clear from my profile that I’m a huge soccer/football/sports fan so if you actively don’t like them, you know that we’re not going to have a lot of things in common. Don’t message me, lazy/boring/non-sports fan.

“…in Alabama we canoe.” That’s not true. In Alabama, I’ve gone kayaking more times with Alabamians than I’ve gone canoeing with Alabamians. Don’t message me, lazy/boring/incorrect/non-sports fan.

“Kayaking is a good way to tip in gator-water.” Universal truth: canoes are easier to tip than kayaks. This guy OBVIOUSLY does not get out much because everyone knows that. It’s SO DIFFICULT to tip a kayak. You really have to be trying. Also, this makes him seem like he’s the type of guy who never shares drinks with people for fear of getting their germs, and always drives the speed limit for safety reasons, and never has any fun ever if it involves even a 1% chance of something bad happening. Don’t message me, lazy/boring/even more incorrect/unadventurous/anal/uptight/anxious/non-sports fan.

“Halloween is my favorite Christian holiday but I never got a taste of beer.” Those are two unrelated thoughts. Put them in separate sentences. And Halloween is not really a Christian holiday anymore and it actually has Pagan roots that predate the Christian influence. So, anytime someone refers to it as such, my opinion of them is immediately a little worse. Also, if we say that the #1 pastime/interest in my life is comprised of sports and being active, then it’s true that good beer is a close #2. Why point out that you hate everything I love if you’re trying to get me to respond to you? This guy probably orders a vodka cranberry at the bar. Don’t message me, lazy/boring/even more incorrect/unadventurous/anal/uptight/anxious/non-beer drinking/non-sports fan.

We obviously wouldn’t have a shred of affinity for one another.

I guess he did technically start off with, “I like a lot of what your profile has to say.” But when normal guys send a message, they expound upon that part instead of the negatives.

Easily one of the worst messages I’ve ever gotten. If that’s how this guy tries to get a girl to be interested, he’s gonna be forever alone. Also, EVERYONE wanted to be a paleontologist when they were seven. I forgot to include that part up there.

Maybe I’m Wrong, But I Don’t Know How To Back Down

Drew said that the heart pancake is technically not really in the likeness of a real heart, but rather a diagram of a real heart.

I beg to differ.

The pancake definitely looks like that.

Sorry I used a 3D-ish diagram of a heart to make my point last time. I was afraid that seeing a pancake then a real heart right after might turn people off of pancakes forever.

If I embedded a poll here, I wonder who would come up victorious.

I would definitely title it “Liz vs. Drew: The Heart-Shaped Pancake Controversy”

If Real Life Was A Fairytale…

And I was a princess and there was a quest to win my love forever…

This is all the valiant contender would have to make to come in first place:

That’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen in my whole life. For so many reasons. On so many levels.

In case you don’t know what’s going on, here’s some clarification. He would have to make me a heart-shaped pancake.

You might be thinking “WTF, that doesn’t look like a heart!”

It doesn’t look like that stupid symbol of a heart. It looks like this kind of heart:

It looks like a REAL heart.

Someone posted it on Reddit.

I don’t think I’d even be able to eat that pancake. I’d try to find a way to save it forever. And that’s saying a lot because I have NO self-control when it comes to pancakes. If you made enough pancakes for 50 people and left me near them near me without supervision, there would not be any pancakes left for the other 49 people they were supposed to feed.

Maybe if you had bacon there on the side to distract me, there’d be enough food for one other person by the time I was done.

When it comes to me and food, I’m like the opposite of Jesus’ miracle with the fish and the bread. I can make enough food for 5,000 people miraculously and inexplicably disappear.

Keep Your Head Up, Keep Your Love

The Lumineers’ self-titled is easily the best thing I’ve heard since El Camino came out last December.

I can’t stop listening to it.

Drunk Texting With Liz: Militant Feminism Edition

Mary forwarded this drunk text I sent her one night in March:

Someday soon I’m going to round up an army of redheads with big boobs and we’re going to use our assets to destroy men. We will bring them all down one by one for the betterment of society and the relief of women all around the world. With science and vibrators, men are useless. With their current pussiness and irresponsibility, they’re going out of their way to prove the uselessness. I’m not living in a world where I raise children AND support lazy men. Men of our generation are a new breed of slacker unmotivated freeloaders. It’s like when Republicans say they don’t work to support SS abusers. Well, I don’t work to support men. I’m also sick of them contributing nothing, but at the same time destroying hearts everywhere. Like not only do we have to work to support a family and give birth to the kids, but we also have to put up with the heartbreak they cause. It’s bad enough to be just a lazy motherfucker (neutral) but why do they have to take it a step farther and antagonize our emotions? In 50 years, it’s going to be a fucked up situation unless we stop it now.

This is proof that I can text immaculately when intoxicated. I’m a very functional drunk. And a very bitter drunk sometimes.

I miss my non-broken phone because it enabled me to send lengthy paragraphs like that. Now I can only text from the outside screen and my thoughts are limited to 160 characters.

WTF does that use of “neutral” mean, though? I wish I could get inside of drunk Liz’s brain and find the answer because that makes absolutely no sense.

I guess maybe I was saying that being lazy is sort of harmless compared to the emotional antagonizing?

Anyway, if you’re skeptical about whether an army of redheads could actually destroy the male population, I kindly refer you this post.

Summer In Western PA

That’s one of the corn fields on the family farm.

Today is the family get-together and I hate not being there.

I wouldn’t even mind stacking hay bales in the barn even though it’s one of the most physically exhausting things you can do.

Binks sent me this text about our cousin’s 3 year old (who happens to be the most adorable child of all freakin time):

Just took Holden to the bathroom. He asked why cats went in the litter box and not the toilet.

HAHAHA I love 3 year olds.

Also, semi-relevant to yesterday… According to Mary, there’s a Christian dating site called Christian Mingle. Bahahaha. She said that her friend signed up for it, found out that she was a 100% match with a guy she knew “to have the personality of a wall” and promptly deleted her account, stating that it wasn’t worth it.