Today In “Reality Checks With Marisol”

Me: I think I go through engineers and bottles of Red Hot with approximately the same frequency. I have to get a new one about once every 30 days.
Marisol: You’re setting yourself up for acid reflux and loneliness in old age. Since I have 7 months more life experience than you do, let me tell you something. Engineers are either socially inept, emotionally inept, or hate their jobs so much that it makes them bitter about life.
Me: But they’re so good at math and that’s so hot…
Marisol: Your taste in men combined with the fact that you’re still a Pirates fan is so pitiful that you officially have the unhealthiest habits of anyone I know
Me: Pretty sure the Pirates are in first place though…
Marisol: You need to stop masochistically holding out for miracles.

Pretty sure she’s right. Sigh.

Done with engineers. But I’m seriously not ever attracted to any non-engineers. They’re good at physics too. Dreamy…

My mom’s gonna be pissed/heartbroken when she’s finds out that she’ll never get any grandkids out of me. Is it better to break this news to her before or after her upcoming 60th birthday? Let’s collectively decide that together because I can justify it both ways so I can’t come to a solid conclusion.

Ryan said he’s pissed that I’m not procreating with someone to produce our USMNT savior. Deal with it, bro. Was that ever gonna happen anyway if I’m exclusively attracted to engineers? They’re not known for their athleticism and would surely come in last place in that competition. It’s hard to procreate with someone if you’re not attracted to them.

It can be done but I’m not sure I’m really that willing to take one for the team (literally).

I came up with a better plan anyway. Lolo Jones and Daniel Sepulveda are more qualified to produce the type of individual who could lead us to a World Cup victory. Her speed and his kicking abilities? SOCCER STAR.

I’m all about helping Christian people find love since it’s apparently so difficult, according to Mary and basically every other seriously Christian person I know. Lolo Jones is devout and I’m pretty sure Daniel Sepulveda is too because I don’t think I’ve ever heard him publicly say anything without mentioning God in some way.

For all you non-Pittsburghers who are thinking “Well, that can’t really be saying a lot because how often is the punter on TV or doing a radio interview?”

Umm, I know this is gonna be really difficult to grasp if you’ve never spent a significant amount of time in Pittsburgh, but my response is… “Way more often than you’d probably ever expect.”

[Enter obligatory broken record statement about how much I miss that damn city]

So, anyway, someone introduce these two celebrity athletes to one another. It’s the most patriotic thing you can do. Give your children the gift of being able to witness a World Cup victory in their lifetime.

And Lolo Jones is nearly my favorite person right now, as you all know. And everyone’s trying to hook her up with Tim Tebow. Ick, that’s gross. Poor girl. This is a better alternative.

In other non-related news, my birthday on Wednesday was one of the best I’ve ever had. I could not have been happier. Honestly, it’s been so long since I’ve blown out candles that I forgot you were supposed to make a wish. It’s hard to have a party when your birthday is on the 4th of July. But my Bama Fam insisted that this happen and they organized it and invited my friends. So, we had a crazyfun day full of eating, drinking, celebrating America, and floating in the river. It was a sea of red, white, and blue bikinis.

And I got a bottle of birthday whiskey which we basically finished before being irresponsible with a small arsenal of fireworks. Then we headed out to the real fireworks and the bar.

25 actually is the best age to be.


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