This Is How You Send Me An OkC Message That I Definitely Won’t Respond To

I like a lot of what your profile has to say. I only worry a lithe thing like you might be too active for a homebody like me. I’m not a paleontologist but I wanted to be one when I was seven and amazed everyone with my knowledge of dino-names. Soccer is boring. but so is football and baseball. I’m all about stupid jokes, and in Alabama we canoe. Kayaking is a good way to tip in gator-water.Halloween is my favorite Christian holiday, but I never got a taste for beer. Been wanting to try some Christmas beer though.

Ok… pro tip: If you’re trying to get someone to like you/respond/hang out with you/etc, you don’t want to emphasize the things you don’t have in common. Eventually those will come up, of course. But, right off the bat, you don’t want to be like “Our lifestyles are different in these 500 ways.” You’re supposed to emphasize why you’d get along/be compatible/have fun together/etc. and include maybe one or two things that are potentially conflicting. Because it’s almost equally as annoying when a guy is like “It sounds like we’re the same in almost every way!” That threatens my sense of individual identity. And also makes the guy sound like he probably has no personality of his own. And also makes him sound like he’s a huge pussy who spends his life overbearingly trying to please girls and make them happy which is maybe the single most annoying trait to find in a guy.

Let’s break this down:

“I only worry a lithe thing like you might be too active for a homebody like me.” Your supposition is probably correct. And that makes you sound lazy and boring. Don’t message me.

“Soccer is boring. but so is football and baseball.” Soccer is my LIFE and football is super important, too. And it’s very clear from my profile that I’m a huge soccer/football/sports fan so if you actively don’t like them, you know that we’re not going to have a lot of things in common. Don’t message me, lazy/boring/non-sports fan.

“…in Alabama we canoe.” That’s not true. In Alabama, I’ve gone kayaking more times with Alabamians than I’ve gone canoeing with Alabamians. Don’t message me, lazy/boring/incorrect/non-sports fan.

“Kayaking is a good way to tip in gator-water.” Universal truth: canoes are easier to tip than kayaks. This guy OBVIOUSLY does not get out much because everyone knows that. It’s SO DIFFICULT to tip a kayak. You really have to be trying. Also, this makes him seem like he’s the type of guy who never shares drinks with people for fear of getting their germs, and always drives the speed limit for safety reasons, and never has any fun ever if it involves even a 1% chance of something bad happening. Don’t message me, lazy/boring/even more incorrect/unadventurous/anal/uptight/anxious/non-sports fan.

“Halloween is my favorite Christian holiday but I never got a taste of beer.” Those are two unrelated thoughts. Put them in separate sentences. And Halloween is not really a Christian holiday anymore and it actually has Pagan roots that predate the Christian influence. So, anytime someone refers to it as such, my opinion of them is immediately a little worse. Also, if we say that the #1 pastime/interest in my life is comprised of sports and being active, then it’s true that good beer is a close #2. Why point out that you hate everything I love if you’re trying to get me to respond to you? This guy probably orders a vodka cranberry at the bar. Don’t message me, lazy/boring/even more incorrect/unadventurous/anal/uptight/anxious/non-beer drinking/non-sports fan.

We obviously wouldn’t have a shred of affinity for one another.

I guess he did technically start off with, “I like a lot of what your profile has to say.” But when normal guys send a message, they expound upon that part instead of the negatives.

Easily one of the worst messages I’ve ever gotten. If that’s how this guy tries to get a girl to be interested, he’s gonna be forever alone. Also, EVERYONE wanted to be a paleontologist when they were seven. I forgot to include that part up there.

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