Monthly Archives: December 2012


Written by: Matt Damon and John Krasinski. Starring: Matt Damon and John Krasinski. Filmed: in and near Pittsburgh. Plot/theme: everything I care about. ‘


Based on a story by: Dave Eggers. Whomp whomp. I knew this was too good to be true.

Whatever. It’s still gonna be great. And I’m pumped.


When Half Spent Was The Night

I know I’ve talked about this before. But Sufjan Stevens’ Christmas album is the best Christmas album to EVER be made. And it most likely will be until the end of time.


This is also quite honestly one of my favorite Christmas songs of all time. Unless it’s performed by a handbell ensemble. Ick.

One thing that I love about Christmas is the excessive usage of the word “lo” (it’s the best).

It’s weird to be overheated and listening to Christmas music at the same time though. My apartment is HOT. I’m tempted to turn the air conditioning back on. But can’t bring myself to do it since this is December.

I miss cold weather. Shocking, but true. I can’t really get into the holiday spirit without it.

That Awkward Moment Where You’re Different And Everyone Else Is The Same

Just like in May, the closer I get to home, the more nervous I am about it.

There’s already a holiday party I’m probably supposed to attended and, if you asked me two weeks ago, probably wanted to attend. However, more drama and the fact that I’m somehow sort of in the middle of it despite being 1,000 miles away for the last 12 months has made me realize that it’s going to be super awkward. Even without the recent drama, it still would have been super awkward.

I’ve changed a ton during this last year. Grew up a lot and I’m different in so many ways. But I’m realizing that nothing in Pittsburgh has really changed at all. And that’s a great thing in some ways, but mostly it’s just terrible. It’s like pure stagnation. Everyone just does the same things and acts the same way and nothing ever changes.

When I saw Julia in New Orleans a few weeks ago, she was commenting that the pictures from this Halloween basically consisted of all the same people we hung out with circa 2008. True story, girl. It’s 2012. And nothing has changed.

I’m relieved  to have gotten out. And I dread going back for the most part. Which totally contradicts EVERYTHING I have written here since January.

I wish I could just kidnap the 10 people I actually want to see for a few days and ignore the rest.

There’s gonna be a wedding though. I’m super pumped about that. Laura and Kevin are on the list of approximately 10 favorites.

Anyway, this always happens. You’re so sad to leave and afraid of the changes. Then all the changes happen and you realize you never really cared that much in the first place.

Still, my dream/plan is to move back to Pittsburgh someday. Keep the friends I want and pretend like the rest don’t exist. Maybe accidentally run into them at Giant Eagle and such just because that happens in Pittsburgh. But we’ll briefly talk about the Steelers and move on.

And I’ll marry a guy with a nice body who has enough money to open a camping gear store with merchandise like canoes and Patagonia stuff. He’ll let me come up with a punny name and good logo, because I’m creatively awesome at stuff like that. Maybe we’ll attach a microbrewery to the side. I’ll work part-time as an ER/flight nurse and help manage the store. And spend the rest of my time with the kids. He’ll coach an elementary soccer team in Greenfield in the summer and fall. And we’ll all live happily ever after.

This Is The Rhythm Of Living

I’m trying to figure out how to organize this shit better so it’s not all over the place. Here’s a weak attempt to fix the problem…

The part about my life:

This news article is basically everything I lovehate about Alabama.

You would think that the meth lab in the post office would be the best part. It’s not. This is:

Cindy Taylor, who never leaves home without her goat “Little Bit”, said the law needs to be tougher. “Little Bit” was riding shotgun on Wednesday while she checked her mail.

Silly me thought that it was possible to live in a place for a year and not become attached to it. Despite the stress of 500 things happening within the next 15ish days, I still feel the sadness of leaving.

Four years from now, if I’m still in New Orleans, someone has to come and get me and make me leave. Deal?

The part about my online shopping problem:

Oh, look. Another item on that I desperately want.

The obligatory part about the Steelers:

Here’s some holiday cheer. Chris Hoke is maybe probably the best caroler of all time.

Count The Contradictions

Today, a patient coded on the 6th floor and I had to run up the stairs from the 1st floor. The distance between hospital floors = the distance between 1.5 floors in other buildings. Approximately. Maybe it’s closer to 2, I don’t know. So that’s like 9 regular floors. Or possibly even 12 regular floors. Something like that. This is not an exact science. My main point is that it was a lot of steps.

1) I’m still in damn good shape. Suck it, body. Try and stop me, potentially life altering autoimmune disease (or whatever you are).

A note on that… The neurologist thinks I have myasthenia gravis. I find out if I have the antibodies on the 18th. You can have the disease (I hate calling it that, but it is what it is) without the antibodies showing up in your labs. You can also have the disease and take Mestinon (a treatment) without showing symptom improvement. I took it. It didn’t help. So, even if my blood work comes back negative and even though the meds didn’t help, I still could have it. Apparently, this is not an exact science either… At least MS was basically ruled out, for now. There would have been more than one spot on my MRI if MS was suspect. Also, my symptoms are more intermittent throughout the day instead of constant and that’s another thing that rules it out for the most part.

I honestly don’t think I could live with MS. The people who have it are the bravest and toughest people I know. DONATE to the National Multiple Sclerosis Society so that maybe someday there will be a cure.

Anyway, if it’s not MG and it’s not MS, then I guess I need a miracle diagnosis and treatment. Or just always be chronically tired and not be able to see for the rest of my life. Whatever. I’m already adapting and it’s not terrible. As I said, I RAN UP A LOT OF STAIRS TODAY and it wasn’t that bad.

Drew told me to write about this and publicize it and face it because he thinks I’m in denial. I’m might be in denial. Or I just take bad news very calmly. It’s hard to tell, I guess. I’m not gonna lie and say that it was easy to write all of that. It’s like when you can’t say awful things out loud because they’re too awful to verbalize. I have to force the words out when I tell someone because I hate making it so real. That part hasn’t gotten easier.

Which is stupid because I might not actually have this. I could have something super fixable. It might not be a life altering autoimmune disorder. So if it’s this hard to tell people that I might have this, then who knows how hard it will be to face the fact that I do have this (if it comes to that). I think I am in denial. Or just refusal to accept my fate until it’s 100% confirmed. But that just seems rational, if you ask me. Why freak out needlessly?

2) Running up the stairs was the moment I knew I picked the right career. I think I’ve probably had like 10 of those “defining” moments. But this one was actually the defining one. Although, that’s what I said about the last one. Defining moments are overhyped. That’s why I have had multiple ones. It’s like how there are people who live for the illusion of romance and can’t be alone and keep looking for “the one.” I live for the illusion of life-changing defining moments. In real life, it’s just living. But in my hypothetical fantasy world of the future, there are moments at which I will know I’m right or wrong or I should go or stay, etc. It’s the hype, man. CLARITY DOES NOT WORK LIKE THAT. But storytime imaginationland makes us think that it does.

Anyway, at what other job do you get to run? Any kind of professional athletics don’t count. That’s not a real job that normal people do. Only the most unreal bionic ones. Even if you’re like the minorest of the minor leagues, it’s still pretty awesome. And normal people don’t do it. I’ve known many teachers and lawyers and accountants and mechanics and secretaries. But never a professional athlete.

To some, maybe running up stairs at your job sounds unappealing. But to me, IT’S BASICALLY MY DREAM COME TRUE. Hells yeah it sucks. It sucks a lot. But when you get to the top (or your floor) and your legs are burning and you’re breathing hard, you get to say to yourself “I’m a motherfucking badass and pushed myself and conquered my body and won.”

You get addicted to this stuff, I swear. Both running and nursing. Well, working in the emergency department specifically.

This is not the first time I’ve had to run on stairs since starting clinical rotations. During my NICU week, we had to run downstairs to the OR to get a c-section delivered premature baby. Lots of crises. Lots of running.

These are the situations in which I thrive and actually enjoy life. Which is why having myasthenia gravis might ruin my life. Without nearly limitless energy, I am nothing. And it’s already been taken away temporarily. If this is permanent, I might actually die from sadness. Especially because 200 hours in the ED pretending to be a real nurse was the best thing of all time. I finally found my thing. And I don’t think I can readjust to doing anything else again.

Running Mode Modification

Due to my inexplicably depleted energy levels and weird vision problems as of late, I had to cut back on the running and start picking up ballet more often instead. And I’m not saying that ballet is easy, because it’s not. It just allows me to modify the exercise more than running. If you’re running, you only have one mode. Running mode. With ballet, you can make it as hard or as easy as you want. Honestly, sometimes I just lay on the floor and stretch.

Really though, I kind of like how it’s worked out so far. If I ever get better, I might just keep it this way anyway. It’s perfect cross-training. The physical variation is good but the biggest benefit is being able to mix things up mentally. When I’m running, I just take off and think about whatever I want and it’s good to just let your mind go like that. But when I’m doing ballet, I have to think about perfecting something. With the appropriate balance, taking your mind off of stuff is just as beneficial as going out of your way to make time to think about whatever.

Bring it on, life. Even if I never recover from whatever is wrong with me, this is ok. If a doctor diagnoses me with something and says I have to modify my lifestyle to fit my eternal brokenness, I can be like “I already have, bitch.”

This might be total denial. Or total avoidance. Or both.

Anyway, my mixes for running and ballet are very different. But this song is a common denominator:

Plus, the video is bananas because it’s Bjork.

I hope you people are satiated. Because writing these posts is like pulling teeth. And you can tell because they’re terrible.

Mary Is A Bigger Steelers Fan Than I Am

Ok, so this is how our family pick ’em league works during regular season weeks. You rank the teams from 1 to 16 or 1 to 14, depending on how many games there are. 16 or 14 is the team you think is most likely to win and 1 is the team you think is least likely to win.

This week, Mary picked the Steelers at 11. That was a totally ballsy move. But she had faith. And it paid off (along with her other good picks) because she’s the week 13 leader. By a lot.

I picked the Steelers at 1. But whatever. At least I picked them, right?

The last time I didn’t pick the Steelers to win was the year Ben was out for the first four games (or whatever it was) and everyone felt nothing but doom and gloom for our season mixed with totally hating him for being a shady bastard. And I was convinced they were going to lose. So I didn’t pick them. And everyone in my family had something to say about it and said that I’d be sorry. And they were right. The Steelers won. Then continued to win.

So, after that week, I’ve never picked against the Steelers. Because when it comes to Steelers football, you can’t ever count them out.

Although, I NEVER would have picked them at 11 when playing the Ravens in Baltimore without Ben right after losing to the Browns in the worst way. Mary gets the “4F MVP and Steelers Fan of the Week” award.

But I’m still in 2nd overall. And widening my margin. While not getting any closer to Nonnie. This is the perfect situation.