Ninety Nine Problems (And Football Is Responsible for 10% Of Them)

Disclaimer: Everyone’s riding my ass about not posting. But if I post because I’m forced to, it always turns out to be dull and uninteresting. So if you think this is a terrible post, you can blame Mary, Drew, Ben, and Marisol because, in terms of harassment, they are the biggest offenders.

1) Despite the absence of hockey in my life, I haven’t died yet. But I’m getting closer.

2) Moving to New Orleans is 100% official. It came down to the fact that I could see myself living in Austin when I’m 30 but I couldn’t see myself living in New Orleans beyond 29. NOLA now, Texas later. The move is taking place sometime between the 15th and 20th (hopefully).

3) I’m in 5th place at the end of the regular fantasy football season, which is fine except for the fact that I have to play Ben next week and he has the best team in the league, despite only being in 4th place. That’s just how fantasy football is. 90% luck, 10% actually knowing shit about football.

And I’m in 2nd place in 4F. But Nonnie is in 1st place so I really really don’t want to win because I love her 100x more than I love myself and she’s a total badass because what other 80+ year old grandmother would be #1 in a SUPER COMPETITIVE family football pick ’em league? So as long as I stay ahead of everyone else and finish in 2nd place, I’m a happy camper. My preseason picks were pretty bad though. For real, I got Romo’ed and picked Dallas for the NFC East. So now I feel pressure when picking every single game because I need to build up enough of a lead to stay ahead once the division winners become official. Therefore, I also freak out whenever I lose ANY points. Which is needlessly contributing to the overall stress in my life and joins the ranks of having NO money, trying to finish school, alarming health problems that are apparently undiagnosable and may contribute to my inability to finish school and/or start making money right away, best friend stuff, etc. Basically, I got 99 problems and don’t need to be stressing about 4F. But it’s both a nature AND nurture problem. If you knew my family, you would understand.

Anyway, I did school stuff and worked on freelance projects this morning then became exhausted as per usual and napped through most of the Patriots/Dolphins game. Then I woke up just in time to see the Colts drive down the field and win at the last second. And, of course, I had picked the Lions. So watching this pan out nearly gave me a heart attack even though I only picked them at 7. So then I started to stress eat baby spinach.

And by halftime of the Steelers/Ravens game, I’d eaten 11 ounces. That doesn’t sound like a lot. But next time you’re the grocery store, go to the fresh foods section and find out exactly what 11 ounces of baby spinach looks like (you’ll be shocked).

By the 4th quarter, I was almost throwing up from the nausea of being too full and my entire body being overstimulated by my sympathetic nervous system while watching the game. I really almost cried when Suisham made that field goal. I mean, a huge part of me knew he would because the man is consistent as hell, but I guess you never know. The Steelers had been blowing opportunities all game. And pretty much all season as well. And I was in such bad shape that I would have gladly traded my fantasy football playoff spot AND dropped to last place in 4F for a Steelers win. I was almost at the bargaining with God stage. One of the most terrible things you can imagine as a Steelers fan is losing to the Ravens every time in two consecutive seasons. Especially after losing to the Browns like we did last week.

This blog’s first ever posted gif (if you have slow internet, sucks to be you):

Charlie Batch is the man. Of course he doesn’t play as well as starting QBs. Because he’s not a starter. And yes, the last game was horrendous. And yes, he failed in a lot of ways tonight (like when Mike Wallace was WIDE OPEN in the end zone). But he got the job done. And his starting record is 6-2. That ain’t bad. Plus, he’s been on our team for like a decade. Fuck the haters.

And let’s make a quick comparison .. Tebow tears are ridiculous. Charlie Batch’s emotions are dignified.

Also, I’m pretty sure this is how everyone in Steeler Nation reacted after the game. There were many hugs and infinite tears. Then more bottles of Yuengling were passed around and people celebrated in their living rooms. And then in the streets.

4) To make up for the subpar quality of this post, here’s a legal analysis of 99 Problems. It’s the best thing you’ll EVER read.


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