Monthly Archives: August 2013

The Kate Middleton, Downton Abbey, Nerd Glasses Trifecta

I think I stopped blogging last December for two reasons:

1) I ran out of things to say. Every post from basically August through December should suffice as proof of this.
2) I was busy. Moving then Christmas then New Orleans happened.

However, I’m currently less busy since New Orleans is now my regular life instead of my dream life. I mean, it’s still my dream life, but it finally has a regular rhythm. Also, the fact that I’ve been talking people to death about everything lately probably means that I have a lot to say again.

Although, Saturday is kind of a bad day to re-start blogging because there’s definitely a void when it comes to pressing matters and things of interest. Regardless, I think this will be a good baby step.

1) First, Kate Middleton is unfairly gorgeous just five weeks after giving birth to Prince George. I mean, the day after he was born, she was INSANELY PERFECT for having just given birth, but I thought that maybe that was just some kind of fluke. I’m pretty sure the universe bestows a one-time gift on everyone where you get to look amazing in the most adverse circumstances and I just figured that day was hers. However, during my daily perusal of HuffPost Canada, I came across this.

Goddammit, Kate Middleton. You make the rest of us look like cave trolls. I think it’s obvious that the biggest perk of being a princess is that you somehow get to avoid looking totally slovenly while you’re the mom of a newborn. Royalty must still employ fairy godmothers because real magic is the only explanation for this. NO ONE (seriously NO ONE) looks that good 5 weeks after childbirth.

Postpartum Kate Middleton looks better at a surprise public appearance at some random marathon than the rest of us ever will in our entire lives.

2) Second, the season 4 trailer for Downtown Abbey is out. Thank the heavens. It looks like it’s going to be the best season ever.

I think I’m the only person who was unaffected by whats-his-face’s death at the end of last season. To be totally transparent here, I never really cared for that dude. He had zero personality and the only time in three whole seasons I was ever like, “Okay, this guy’s kinda alright,” was when he took progressive measures to turn the estate around. Plus, the new guy that the trailer seems to suggest is Mary’s next love interest looks totally dashing.

To everyone who was completely in love with what’s-his-face for God knows what reason and was beyond/shocked crushed when he died, I say “Get over it. The show is going to be 1,000x better without him.” Keep in mind that the writers only wrote him out and killed him off because the actor who played him wanted to leave the show. I’m sure that secretly he was like, “My character sucks in every way and I basically have to wake up every day to go be the equivalent of a plain potato in the ethnic aisle of the grocery store right now. I’m over it. For the love of God, let my character die in a car accident at the breakneck speed of 15 MPH or something.”

Just watch that last episode again if you don’t believe me.

“I feel like I’ve swallowed a box of firecrackers.”
– something a person with zero personality says when their kid is born

3) Third, let’s talk about nerd glasses. Remember when you could go out with a guy who wears nerd glasses and it was safe to assume that he was a dorky good person and not a total douchebag? I do. And I seriously regret taking those days for granted because within the last 12 months, shit got real.

As a woman who basically develops an instant crush on every nerd glasses wearer (extra points if they’re tortoiseshell), the fact that times have changed presents a serious challenge.

Since EVERYONE wears them now that they’re “fashionable” instead of dorky, it has become way more difficult to separate the good from the bad in an efficient manner.

Let’s examine this from a bit of a historical perspective. At first, hipsters started the nerd glasses trend to go with the rest of their “ironic/uncool” statement pieces. The birth of this was going on around 2005, I think. Despite their similar spectacles, it was easy to separate the hipsters from the dorks because hipsters had a clearly defined style that identified them as such (in spite of doing everything they could to not have a clearly defined style, of course).

However, almost a decade later, since hipsters have become “cool” like they’ve always secretly wanted to be, nerd glasses have basically taken over. And since nerd clothes and nerd glasses-wearing douchebag clothes are not really too different, you actually have to seriously interrogate people before you agree to go out with them.

Side note: I’m obviously not talking about the graphic-T wearing type of douchebag here because those are still very easy to spot. I’m talking about the ones who wear button downs and chinos with sneaks and things like that.

The worst part is that I’m sure a ton of the douchebags previously got Lasik eye surgery and are therefore wearing non-prescription nerd glasses. That’s going out of your way to be a douche masquerading as a nerd. Something that’s used functionally by some people should never be used as an accessory to other people who don’t need to use it functionally, in my opinion.

And actually, if you think about it, douchebags have kind of adopted a lot of the “nerd casual” style. (I just coined that phrase. Contact me for permission to use it, fashion bloggers.) Sneakers with semi-nice clothes were a nerd invention. You used to expect that from people who were sitting around working out physics formulas in the lab and not people who hit on other people’s girlfriends while they have a girlfriend of their own to prove that they still “have game” and things like that.

Especially now that hipsters have reintroduced plaid to the world, there are literally zero defining style lines between douchebag and nerd. It’s like hipsters took facets of nerd casual and then, along with the inspiration of vintage looks, homeless people, overpriced 80s/90s style championed by American Apparel, and whatever socioeconomic/cultural subset weird hats come from, they incorporated it into their eclectic “I don’t care” look and then got cool enough to ruin every distinction between nerd and douchebag because douchebags wanted to further their “avant-garde, but retro/uncool” coolness like the hipsters had going on and the douchebags ultimately adopted the nerd-derived trends. #extremerunonsentence

Since nerds don’t pay attention to any of this, they’re just going about their daily lives without realizing that they look like all the cool people and if they do realize that they look like all the cool people, they don’t care enough to differentiate themselves since the whole premise behind nerd casual is that you just don’t give a crap (and it’s not in the hipster “I’m trying to look like I just don’t give a crap, but I actually care way more than anyone ever” way). Nerds weren’t uncool because they were anti-cool. Nerds were uncool because the world said they were uncool.

Anyway, what happens now is that when I encounter a guy in nerd glasses, my brain is totally confused. The part with sense is like “You can’t judge a person based on his glasses anymore,” but the part that’s still wired to the previous norm just entirely ignores the sense part. Perhaps douchebags have figured this out. Maybe they know that they can ride the “I’m a nice guy” first impression for a long time before we discover the truth sometimes. It’s a strategy. Nerd glasses should never be part of a strategy.

I need nerds to temporarily and uncharacteristically take a fashion stand and reclaim their glasses ASAP and I also need douchebags to move on to something else. I feel like I’m living in the Men in Black world where aliens are disguised as people.

The weekend consequences are always severe. I have to come up with excuses to prematurely/abruptly exit a lot of situations. The worst part is that since I’m so on edge, sometimes I mistake a nerd for a douchebag at the slightest indication of any minor douchey behavior. (This was the entire month of May 2013)

It’s a messed up apocalyptic world we’re living in, people. Elitist/misogynistic douchebags now parade around like they’re dorks with hearts of gold.

I don’t know if this is fixable and/or it’s just something that will pass in time. However, I do know that with a present solution, every woman with this problem needs to up her game and be extra careful. Stay smart. Stay strong. #solidarity

Why You’re Wrong

During a thunderstorm one late summer afternoon several years ago, I advised one of my friends to wait until the storm was over to take a shower. He ignored my advice, under the assumption that the whole “don’t shower in thunderstorms” thing was based on some kind of urban myth. Everyone agreed that the suggestion was probably unfounded. I told them that it wasn’t. He showered anyway and lived.

Ever since that day, these “friends” have gone out of their way to find opportunities to relentlessly call me out for “believing in a stupid urban myth” and being the badass that I am, I’ve ignored the social pressure to concede.

Today, I stumbled upon proof that I have always been right regarding this matter. Mental Floss posted this scientifically-backed response to some girl’s question about whether or not it’s totally safe to shower in a thunderstorm. If you can’t trust Mental Floss, who can you trust?

Despite the fact that I now have relatively solid evidence on my side, these “friends” have continued to argue that they’re still correct. Today, I’m resuming the blog project to address this matter once and for all.

This is what the Mental Floss response said:

Take a shower or a bath or even start washing a load of dishes at the kitchen sink, though, and you open up the possibility that, given the option, you might be the better conductor for electricity to flow through. Metal is a good conductor and, like we already said, electricity from lightning strikes can and does flow through buildings’ metal pipes. The water flowing through these pipes—as nice as your local tap water might be—also contains impurities that help conduct the current.

Arguments that have been made against me today, as people grasp at straws to come up with some sort of defense for themselves:

1) “You said that he was going to die if he showered.”

My initial argument on that day was NOT that there’s a high likelihood of a person being harmed by the electrical current of a lightning strike while showering in a thunderstorm because there’s not a high likelihood of that. I’m sure people shower during thunderstorms all the time and we never hear about anyone dying because the likelihood is low. If the likelihood was high, there wouldn’t be people who believe this phenomenon is an urban myth because a ton of people would have been severely harmed or died this way. Since this is blatantly obvious, I would never say anything like that.

However, since I can’t go back to that day and get a recording of the conversation, there’s no proof that that wasn’t what I said. If you want to claim that that’s what I said just so you can argue for the sake of arguing, that’s on you. You’re ruining the nature of the game because now no one can ever win and so there’s no point in playing. If that’s all you’ve got, we’re at an impasse. That weakass excuse for an argument also makes it very clear that you know that I’m right, even if you won’t admit it. Therefore,  I’m going to feel good about my superiority.

For the record, what I actually said was that this person should wait until after the storm was over because the electrical current of a lightning strike could make its way through the water supply and pipe infrastructure directly to the person so it’s safer to shower when there’s not a severe storm occurring right above the house. I didn’t get into the actual science-y details, but Mental Floss has nicely and succinctly presented them. My only argument was that it’s safer to shower when it’s not storming than when it is storming because of the aforementioned reason. This brings me to the next stupid claim…

2) “You’re only right because people have a higher likelihood of dying via lightning doing anything when it’s storming. If there’s no lighting, you can’t die from it. If there is lightning, your chances are obviously higher.” (That’s a paraphrased/combined version of several people’s arguments that were similar in nature)

I have no idea why everything comes down to a stupid technicality lately. Don’t try to take this win away from me with that bullshit. Thank you for finally admitting that I’m right, though, even if it’s in a backhanded way. You’re being much more adult about this than others (e.g. Drew).

You know that this was not my point. My point was that you have somewhat of an increased chance of being struck by lightning if you’re showering during a storm than if you were showering after the storm BECAUSE OF the properties of water and electrical currents and the infrastructure that makes the water supply to the shower happen and THIS POINT, specifically, is what no one believed and everyone made fun of me for and claimed to be an urban myth.

My point had nothing to do with the fact that you technically have a higher chance of being struck by lightning doing anything when there’s lightning happening around you than when there’s not. That’s dumb. Why would someone even care enough to make an argument like that? You could basically argue against almost anything like that. It’s basically like saying “Well, anything can happen.” That’s bullshit. That’s the biggest bullshit of all time.

Let’s say Drew was eating a hot dog and he wasn’t chewing it enough before he swallowed and I advised him to chew more thoroughly to prevent a choking incident and then everyone said, “People choking on hot dogs is an urban myth,” and then I showed you an x-ray of someone who had a piece of hot dog stuck in his right bronchus after a choking incident that occurred because he admittedly had not been chewing it into small enough pieces . If you were going to make an argument similar to your dumb lightning one, you would say “You were only right because people have a higher likelihood of choking on a hot dog if they’re eating a hot dog.”

Technically, you’d be right. If you’re not eating food, you can’t choke on it. However, if you had made that argument during the initial discussion, I wouldn’t have said you were wrong because that wasn’t my goddamn argument.

So, in this second part of the lightning situation, I wasn’t “only right” because you’re just trying to broaden the argument or whatever. I’m not even right or not right about that because it was never part of the issue until today and I never said it was true or false. I don’t even know what you’re trying to accomplish with this. There are no words that can form a sentence that accurately describes what you’re doing by saying that. Wait, I thought of one… “You’re being an idiot.”

You could choke or die at any time for no fault of your own doing almost anything. You’re more likely to choke when you’re eating. You’re more likely to die via lightning when it’s thunderstorming. However, there are better/safer ways to eat and choose thunderstorm activities and measures you can take to decrease the likelihood of an incident. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to take these minor changes/approaches into consideration.

You’re basically changing the subject from one argument that I was actually making to an argument that’s somewhat relevant (I guess…), but not the one that I’m proving to be right which is the one that you people have said is an urban myth for years. That stupid argument up there was never part of the picture until today when I had science and a reputable source on my side and yinz were trying desperately and pathetically to still be “right.”

Side note: Even if that’s logically all well and good, from a practical standpoint, you’re not actually more likely to get struck by lightning inside when it’s storming than when it’s not storming (unless you’re showering or using water that’s coming from the plumbing or talking on a non-cordless phone or using any electronic device that’s plugged into the power supply without a surge protector). Let’s be honest.

Normally, if lightning hits a house or other building, its inhabitants are pretty well protected.

3) “Even if you die from the electricity of the lightning strike in your shower, it’s not really ‘being struck by lightning.'”

The M-W definition of lighting…

: the flashing of light produced by a discharge of atmospheric electricity; alsothe discharge itself 

The discharge itself is the electrical current, dumbasses. It’s not being struck by lightning in the “getting directly hit while standing in an open field with nothing around you way,” but it’s still getting struck by lightning. You’re just getting struck with it indirectly instead of directly. This third argument is at the highest level of irrelevant bullshitty straw-grasping.

In conclusion, I never said that this nameless friend (Drew) was going to die or even probably going to die. In fact, I’m glad he didn’t die, contrary to popular belief. All I said was that there is an increased likelihood of injury and death when showering during thunderstorms – not even that it was a high likelihood, but that it was higher than waiting until after the storm passed – and that there were scientific reasons behind my concern.

I hope you all are crying right now. I hope your asshole hurts a little bit more than it used to. If it doesn’t, you live at a level of denial that I refuse to stoop to and therefore, I will not continue this conversation any further.

This isn’t an urban myth. It’s a real thing. It’s not a likely or probable thing, but it’s a real thing. You’re wrong. You’re wrong. You’re wrong.