The Kate Middleton, Downton Abbey, Nerd Glasses Trifecta

I think I stopped blogging last December for two reasons:

1) I ran out of things to say. Every post from basically August through December should suffice as proof of this.
2) I was busy. Moving then Christmas then New Orleans happened.

However, I’m currently less busy since New Orleans is now my regular life instead of my dream life. I mean, it’s still my dream life, but it finally has a regular rhythm. Also, the fact that I’ve been talking people to death about everything lately probably means that I have a lot to say again.

Although, Saturday is kind of a bad day to re-start blogging because there’s definitely a void when it comes to pressing matters and things of interest. Regardless, I think this will be a good baby step.

1) First, Kate Middleton is unfairly gorgeous just five weeks after giving birth to Prince George. I mean, the day after he was born, she was INSANELY PERFECT for having just given birth, but I thought that maybe that was just some kind of fluke. I’m pretty sure the universe bestows a one-time gift on everyone where you get to look amazing in the most adverse circumstances and I just figured that day was hers. However, during my daily perusal of HuffPost Canada, I came across this.

Goddammit, Kate Middleton. You make the rest of us look like cave trolls. I think it’s obvious that the biggest perk of being a princess is that you somehow get to avoid looking totally slovenly while you’re the mom of a newborn. Royalty must still employ fairy godmothers because real magic is the only explanation for this. NO ONE (seriously NO ONE) looks that good 5 weeks after childbirth.

Postpartum Kate Middleton looks better at a surprise public appearance at some random marathon than the rest of us ever will in our entire lives.

2) Second, the season 4 trailer for Downtown Abbey is out. Thank the heavens. It looks like it’s going to be the best season ever.

I think I’m the only person who was unaffected by whats-his-face’s death at the end of last season. To be totally transparent here, I never really cared for that dude. He had zero personality and the only time in three whole seasons I was ever like, “Okay, this guy’s kinda alright,” was when he took progressive measures to turn the estate around. Plus, the new guy that the trailer seems to suggest is Mary’s next love interest looks totally dashing.

To everyone who was completely in love with what’s-his-face for God knows what reason and was beyond/shocked crushed when he died, I say “Get over it. The show is going to be 1,000x better without him.” Keep in mind that the writers only wrote him out and killed him off because the actor who played him wanted to leave the show. I’m sure that secretly he was like, “My character sucks in every way and I basically have to wake up every day to go be the equivalent of a plain potato in the ethnic aisle of the grocery store right now. I’m over it. For the love of God, let my character die in a car accident at the breakneck speed of 15 MPH or something.”

Just watch that last episode again if you don’t believe me.

“I feel like I’ve swallowed a box of firecrackers.”
– something a person with zero personality says when their kid is born

3) Third, let’s talk about nerd glasses. Remember when you could go out with a guy who wears nerd glasses and it was safe to assume that he was a dorky good person and not a total douchebag? I do. And I seriously regret taking those days for granted because within the last 12 months, shit got real.

As a woman who basically develops an instant crush on every nerd glasses wearer (extra points if they’re tortoiseshell), the fact that times have changed presents a serious challenge.

Since EVERYONE wears them now that they’re “fashionable” instead of dorky, it has become way more difficult to separate the good from the bad in an efficient manner.

Let’s examine this from a bit of a historical perspective. At first, hipsters started the nerd glasses trend to go with the rest of their “ironic/uncool” statement pieces. The birth of this was going on around 2005, I think. Despite their similar spectacles, it was easy to separate the hipsters from the dorks because hipsters had a clearly defined style that identified them as such (in spite of doing everything they could to not have a clearly defined style, of course).

However, almost a decade later, since hipsters have become “cool” like they’ve always secretly wanted to be, nerd glasses have basically taken over. And since nerd clothes and nerd glasses-wearing douchebag clothes are not really too different, you actually have to seriously interrogate people before you agree to go out with them.

Side note: I’m obviously not talking about the graphic-T wearing type of douchebag here because those are still very easy to spot. I’m talking about the ones who wear button downs and chinos with sneaks and things like that.

The worst part is that I’m sure a ton of the douchebags previously got Lasik eye surgery and are therefore wearing non-prescription nerd glasses. That’s going out of your way to be a douche masquerading as a nerd. Something that’s used functionally by some people should never be used as an accessory to other people who don’t need to use it functionally, in my opinion.

And actually, if you think about it, douchebags have kind of adopted a lot of the “nerd casual” style. (I just coined that phrase. Contact me for permission to use it, fashion bloggers.) Sneakers with semi-nice clothes were a nerd invention. You used to expect that from people who were sitting around working out physics formulas in the lab and not people who hit on other people’s girlfriends while they have a girlfriend of their own to prove that they still “have game” and things like that.

Especially now that hipsters have reintroduced plaid to the world, there are literally zero defining style lines between douchebag and nerd. It’s like hipsters took facets of nerd casual and then, along with the inspiration of vintage looks, homeless people, overpriced 80s/90s style championed by American Apparel, and whatever socioeconomic/cultural subset weird hats come from, they incorporated it into their eclectic “I don’t care” look and then got cool enough to ruin every distinction between nerd and douchebag because douchebags wanted to further their “avant-garde, but retro/uncool” coolness like the hipsters had going on and the douchebags ultimately adopted the nerd-derived trends. #extremerunonsentence

Since nerds don’t pay attention to any of this, they’re just going about their daily lives without realizing that they look like all the cool people and if they do realize that they look like all the cool people, they don’t care enough to differentiate themselves since the whole premise behind nerd casual is that you just don’t give a crap (and it’s not in the hipster “I’m trying to look like I just don’t give a crap, but I actually care way more than anyone ever” way). Nerds weren’t uncool because they were anti-cool. Nerds were uncool because the world said they were uncool.

Anyway, what happens now is that when I encounter a guy in nerd glasses, my brain is totally confused. The part with sense is like “You can’t judge a person based on his glasses anymore,” but the part that’s still wired to the previous norm just entirely ignores the sense part. Perhaps douchebags have figured this out. Maybe they know that they can ride the “I’m a nice guy” first impression for a long time before we discover the truth sometimes. It’s a strategy. Nerd glasses should never be part of a strategy.

I need nerds to temporarily and uncharacteristically take a fashion stand and reclaim their glasses ASAP and I also need douchebags to move on to something else. I feel like I’m living in the Men in Black world where aliens are disguised as people.

The weekend consequences are always severe. I have to come up with excuses to prematurely/abruptly exit a lot of situations. The worst part is that since I’m so on edge, sometimes I mistake a nerd for a douchebag at the slightest indication of any minor douchey behavior. (This was the entire month of May 2013)

It’s a messed up apocalyptic world we’re living in, people. Elitist/misogynistic douchebags now parade around like they’re dorks with hearts of gold.

I don’t know if this is fixable and/or it’s just something that will pass in time. However, I do know that with a present solution, every woman with this problem needs to up her game and be extra careful. Stay smart. Stay strong. #solidarity

One response to “The Kate Middleton, Downton Abbey, Nerd Glasses Trifecta

  1. “As a woman who basically develops an instant crush on every nerd glasses wearer” – you made me laugh here as i have the same instincts 🙂 Well, yes… these days it seems 95% of youngsters have problems with their vision for the sake of fashion!

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