I Think I Pulled An Andre

This year, I’m in three 10-12 people PPR leagues. Since fantasy football is batshit insanely unpredictable, I decided to run a little experiment and see if we can conclude anything from it.

I drafted very differently in all three with the hope that at least one of these methods will lead me to a 2nd place finish in at least one league.

In the first league, I drafted very safely at the beginning (basically, in the second half of every draft, everything’s a risk on some level). In the second league, I took some calculated risks and drafted a few people a little higher than I should have. In the third league,  I took ALL the risks and this might be a very bleak situation.

I’ve never had a stress ulcer, but I think my team in the third league is going to be the cause of several. I’ve already lost sleep because of it. Trying to sleep earlier was nonstop tossing and turning and “What have I done?” misery. I’m typing this at 3:30AM. Don’t draft right before bed, guys. You need several hours to process the repercussions of your actions. I also had coffee after 7PM, but that hardly counts as a contributing factor in this particular insomnia episode, I feel.

Anyway… the team (not in draft order since I’ve already messed with my Week 1 lineup eight times):

Image

God help me.

Yahoo gave me a D on my draft report card and said I’m going to lose every game. That’s a little harsh/unnecessary, Yahoo. I could say some shitty things about how much it sucks to do anything on your fantasy football site this year thanks to your design updates, but I refuse to stoop to your level. Plus, the people who autodrafted got As and Bs and we all know how that works out every year. I think their report card system is total garbage.

That doesn’t mean I feel okay about any of this, however.

I might probably will need Peyton Manning to be my knight in shining armor. However, one man can only do so much.

Also, since I failed to screenshot the kicker/defense spots, I need to add that Baltimore is my defense in that league. (I know. I feel like throwing up every time I think about it.) We’ll chalk that one up to AFC North bias and usually, drafting Baltimore is a solid move or even a good move. This year, it could be a bad move considering how many things have changed.

Also, my RB situation makes me want to drown myself in Lake Pontchartrain. My brain was like “Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Don’t do it,” right before I drafted every single one of those guys, but my right index finger was like “YOLO.” I have literally zero safe bets at that position.

If DeAngelo Williams doesn’t get his shit together, I definitely am going to drown myself and I’m considering dropping Sam Bradford RIGHT NOW to make space for Ben Tate so that when Arian Foster proves to be a terrible draft pick, at least that base is covered.

I’ll deal with the backup QB situation when week 9 rolls around and hope that nothing happens to Peyton Manning at any point during the season. I don’t believe in keeping backup QBs around anyway, really. If your starting QB goes down at any point, you’re just shit out of luck no matter what you’ve done or will do. You’re not going to win. Why pretend like having a solid backup is going to save you? I still stand by my prediction that Sam Bradford is gonna have a good year, but my pitiful RB situation is already forcing me to make some tough decisions only six hours after the draft ended.

I don’t think my WR situation is as dire (although Yahoo seems to think I lost my mind in that department) but it’s going to take some very careful managing. Setting your WR lineup is almost total guesswork to begin with, so I’m basically going to be freaking out every week and overanalyzing every possible variable. The fact that I feel any hope about these WRs working out for me at all is based on the assumption that they’re all going live up to the potential that I feel they have that no one else agrees with. And I don’t think that’s a good assumption to base anything on.

Like… T.Y. Hilton? WTF is he doing on my team? It was a mix of “I don’t know how I feel about this Reggie Wayne business” and/or “If this goes well, he could be good trade bait.” I don’t totally trust Andrew Luck anyway so I don’t know why I have two Indianapolis receivers in my team. I’m basing this off how those three people were performing at the end of last season and just assuming that they’ll keep improving and I really don’t think that’s really an advisable way to approach this type of stuff… especially since they have a new offensive coordinator. To be honest, I watched zero Colts preseason games.

Also, Miles Austin’s hamstrings better deliver.

On top of everything, we have to count Week 8 as a loss right off the bat since at least half my team has a bye that week. Sometimes I think that’s maybe a good strategy though. Maybe it’s better to take a huge hit one week and know you’re gonna lose by a lot instead of just barely losing for like three to five weeks due to one or two key players having bye weeks each of those three to five weeks. If I haven’t dropped all my players due to incompetency before Week 8, I’ll let you know how this mini-strategy pans out.

That might be my second best idea ever after the whole “get a new defense every week” strategy in leagues without a super competitive waiver situation. The defense thing is obviously a TERRIBLE idea in leagues with waiver limits too, but who the fuck wants to set waiver limits in their leagues? Oh, my ex-boyfriend because he hated that my awesome strategy was effective and he’s a soulless/unfair loser/person.

Anyway… like everything having to do with this particular team, the Week 8 mini-strategy is probably going to be my worst idea ever in reality.

Really, the only thing I do feel really confident about is Peyton Manning. 1) He’s Peyton Manning. 2) His WR situation is bomb.com. Also, drafting Vernon Davis was a pretty legit decision, I think. His stats aren’t gonna be abysmal like they were last year. It’s not an ideal pick, but for some reason, TEs went fast in this league. He was one of my “Oh, shit… I didn’t really plan for this” guys.

Ulcers. Seriously. They’re coming. Every year, I get nothing but stress from fantasy football. It’s not fun. I swear I’m going to quit every year and then I never do. July rolls around and I’ve forgotten how much I hate this and my whole body is like, “I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL DRAFT TIME. I’M GOING TO DIE FROM ANTICIPATION.”

Who created this game? What heartless creature decided that this was going to be a healthy/worthwhile thing for people to do?

I calculated my predicted 2013 fantasy football stress using an arbitrary measurement system of “fantasy football stress units.”

League 1: stress of participating at all (1 unit) + stress of playing with new people (1.5 units) + stress of being the only girl (2 units)
League 2: stress of participating at all (1 unit) + stress of playing with new people  (1.5 units) + stress of being the only girl (2 units) + stress of questionable choices (1.25 units)
League 3: stress of participating at all (1 unit) + stress of playing with some new people (.75 units) + stress of VERY questionable choices (8 units)

League 1: 1 + 1.5 + 2 = 4.5
League 2: 1 + 1.5 + 2 +1.25 = 5.75
League 3: 1 + .75 + 8 = 9.75

4.5 + 5.75 + 9.75 = 20

20 units of stress. My heart is going to stop completely at some point. Probably before the 2nd week of October. I guess the one thing that could prevent that from happening the possibility of my third team being so bad that I give up on them after Week 2.

I know you never accomplish anything great without putting everything on the line, but I’ve maybe gone too far with this one. At the risk of sounding too dramatic, someone please just hold me while I curl up in the fetal position and cry.

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One response to “I Think I Pulled An Andre

  1. Pingback: This Is My Year | In Between A Rock And The Back Wall

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