I Have No Idea Why Caffeine Is Not A Schedule 1 Drug

Disclaimer: All the coffee I pumped into myself that I thought wasn’t working just hit me like a freight train all at once and is therefore responsible for this off-schedule post. I also skipped my runs today and yesterday because I was exhausted and then also Tuesday because I was hungover. Three missed runs is basically the equivalent of keeping a border collie in a crate for 12 hours. It’s a disaster. Border collies are my spirit animal. We have a lot in common. I almost want to buy a house with a lot of land and pecan trees in Baldwin County, AL so I can get one. And also so I can go to the beach a lot. #landlockedblues

For the last 12 months or so, I’ve really been like “Ehh, am I really going to have kids? I’m pretty happy without them,” and the scale has been tipping more in favor of not having them someday than having them someday.

However, there are those rare occasions when someone posts something like this on the internet and I realize that I’m probably going to have four of them.

So, then I have to start thinking about “Who am I going to have them with?”

I know it’s kind of problematic to generalize because approaching things without an open-mind can be really limiting and you could miss out on something/someone awesome. However, without generalizations, we effectively have no experience. Sort of. That’s just how your brain works though. You encounter things, your brain processes them, then it categorizes them for easy storage purposes. We just don’t really hang on to isolated events that often.

So, in trying to solve this problem, I went straight to my brain data and mapped out the general experiences I’ve had with the 7 biggest career categories of people I’ve dated in the last 12 months.

You can’t argue with science. Even if it’s super fake science.

I have a general progression of hanging out with people of the opposite sex in one-on-one in dating-type outings or innings (or whatever word you’d use for hanging out at one of your houses/apartments). I don’t know if you can really call them dates because I never intend for them to be anything other than super casual non-committal experiences, but I really don’t know how to label this another way. You people know what I’m talking about. That’s all that matters. Not real dates. Liz dates. Got it? Okay.

Here’s the progression:

– We have nothing in common
– NVM, we have a lot in common
– This is pretty fun
– You’re kind of annoying
– I fucking hate you
– I love you

It’s totally maladaptive probably, but I can’t change it. It is what it is. And only one person ever has made it to the last stage which is unfortunate because, as we all know, it ended up being a relatively terrible three year period of my life. And, for the record, I’m not totally convinced that that the “I love you” part is correctly placed in the sequence here because I’ve only had one experience with it, but this is fake science so who cares?

Anyway… I made this terrible/confusing graph with MS Paint (where ALL my awesome graphs come from) to visually represent my general experiences with these 7 categories of men. I know it’s shitty to categorize people based on their careers, but I swear there are patterns.

guy graph

(You can click on the graph to see a bigger version if it’s too tiny for your weak eyes to read. I also forgot to add the physician plateau at the end. It should be right underneath the attorney plateau because trust me, that physician upward trend does NOT continue into the love stage unless I subconsciously intentionally forgot to add the plateau part. The math one also continues the up and down pattern forever.)

It looks like I may never love an engineer or a web developer, but we’d probably get along all right… at least well enough to have some kids together. And maybe I don’t want my marriage to be about crazy passionate love. I’m really all about stability/compatibility. I don’t wanna marry someone I’m head-over-heels crazy about. On a general level, all I need is something that’s decently enjoyable with a guy who’s reasonably attractive to me and wants the same things from life that I want. I’m not into this fairytale BS. Maybe my version IS real love though.

I could also be either super bitter and don’t know it or super naive at the really old age of 26. It’s hard to tell. I guess those two things aren’t really mutually exclusive either.

Also, for the record, I don’t hate lawyers and doctors. I just think that two people who both have similar characteristics of the narcissistic God complex variety should never be together.


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