Monthly Archives: March 2014

College Basketball Is My Boyfriend

In case you missed it, St. Bonaventure beat St. Louis with one hell of a buzzer beater.

That moment led me to conclude a few things.

1) I should have gone to St. Bonaventure. Yes, I would have been going to college 45 minutes away from home and with kids from my high school, but in terms of what really matters (i.e. college basketball), it would have been a better decision. The Bonnies consistently overperform in March and Pitt consistently shits the bed. But then again… would I trade those moments in the Zoo for anything? Definitely not. I just reached a different conclusion while typing this. That’s been a theme in my posts which is why I don’t write them anymore. Start out saying one thing –> end up saying something totally different.

The best moments of my life were those in the Oakland Zoo during tight games when Pitt pulled it off. There really aren’t words to adequately describe that sheer happiness or universality you feel with everyone else that’s there with you. And college basketball is my #1 favorite sport to watch so of course it always felt super epic.
Various and Sundry, 1/14/12

2) No man will ever be able to make me feel like college basketball makes me feel.

And buzzer beaters are absolutely without a doubt the #1 best thing about sports. Fuck grand slams at the bottom of the ninth and completed Hail Marys and all that other epic sports stuff. To see a last ditch three pointer go in at the last second gives you a feeling that no other sports moment can. The energy is different. I can’t explain it. I guess at first you’re happy that he got the shot off then you’re in agonizing anticipation after the release when you watch it in the air and then you see it go in and then YOUR SOUL SCREAMS WITH JOY. Or in the opposite circumstance you’re like “Oh, SHIT… he got the shot off” then agonizing anticipation when it’s in the air then you feel VIOLENT PAIN when it goes in. I fall off my couch from happiness and pain at least 20 times during the tournament. I collapse on the floor at least 5 times
If You Really Want Some Hot Water, I Can Help You Find It, 3/9/12

I guess I have to add kind of an addendum to that since times have changed a bit. The only other thing that makes me feel the way college basketball makes me feel is a clutch soccer goal during a World Cup qualifier game or World Cup actual game. USA v Jamaica, anyone? I lost my motherfucking shit in a bar full of people equally losing their motherfucking shit. No person has ever made me THAT happy or feel THAT way.

Also, that Donovan goal… I think my heart races every time I think about it.

The first millisecond of explosive joy in moments of clutch victories just isn’t comparable to anything outside of sports, in my opinion. I feel like something is sociopathically wrong with me for feeling this way.

I think maybe I would feel differently if I met a person who feels the same way about the things that make me that happy. Because, honestly, one of the saddest things about being alone is not having anyone to share those moments of losing your motherfucking shit with. Like, maybe this is me being all day-dreamy and stupid, but just being on the same page in your happiest moments and feeling the same way about the same things and looking at the person next to you and knowing that they’re going nuts just like you are sounds kind of like everything I’ve ever wanted.

Maybe it’s not about finding a person who makes you feel like a buzzer beater happiness explosion inside. Maybe it’s just about finding a person who feels a buzzer beater happiness explosion along with you. Happiness comes from within and it’s an individual thing, so maybe love is just about finding someone to share that happiness with and not about finding someone who gives you that happiness. This makes sense, right?

Essentially, I just want a person to make me feel like a buzzer beater on the inside and I’m not sure if that’s possible so maybe a solid alternative would be simultaneously feeling the same way about an actual buzzer beater together.

(I can’t tell you how many sports and science metaphors and examples I had to use in therapy to be able to explain how I feel about things. It’s like my subconscious can’t come to the surface unless it’s through the framework of molecular biology or college basketball with a little calculus thrown in here and there.)

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