Category Archives: home

My Worst Nightmare

So… the Steelers game started. But CBS in Alabama is still showing the end of the Eagles/Ravens game until it’s done. And as a Steelers fan, I obviously vehemently hate both of these teams. So, it’s not even a neutral minor inconvenience situation. IT’S TORTURE. If two teams I don’t care about were playing, I’d just patiently wait it out. Or if just one of these teams was playing, it would be bearable. Because rooting against the Eagles or the Ravens falls just short of rooting for the Steelers in terms of NFL game watching satisfaction. However, when they’re playing each other and you want them both to lose, even though that’s not a possibility, AND the Steelers are playing at the same time, it’s sheer misery. Plus, if I was at the Steelers bar, this wouldn’t be an issue. But I’m not because I have a cumulative final tomorrow.

As soon as I start to not miss home, something happens to make me miss it again.

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If I Were You, I’d Come Back Home

This one makes my heart melt instead of explode:  If I Were You by Whiskey Farm

If I were you, I’d answer my letters
If I were you, I’d pick up the phone
If I were you, I’d try to make this better
If I were you, I’d come back home

If I were you, I’d head for the mountains
Far away from the city lights
Find a spot where your heart can’t hear nothin’
And let it fly into the night

This wasn’t what we planned, no
I guess you did what you had to do
And maybe I’d understand
If I were you

If I were you, I’d call up your mother
She always knew just what to say
Ask her if I deserve another
Chance to make you want to stay

This wasn’t what we planned, no
I guess you did what you had to do
And maybe I’d understand
If I were you

If I were you, I’d answer my letters
If I were you, I’d pick up the phone
If I were you, I’d try to make this better
If I were you, I’d come back home

And it kinda makes me feel like a bitch for always being the one who leaves. But none of my former love interests have ever cared whether or not I stayed. I think I’d act differently if the circumstances were different.

The shittiest thing is when you want someone to want you to stay but they don’t so you have to go. I hate being the one who always has to call it.

The Avett Brothers put it best, as usual…

How can you tell when goodbye means goodbye?
Not just for now…  for the rest of you life
How can you stand there with love in you eyes
And still be walking away?

I Will, I Won’t. I Do, I Don’t.

The wedding this weekend was insanity. It was very much a Penn State wedding in every way. My family parties so freakin hard. I miss them immensely.

Also, you can leave for a long time then come back and realize that nothing has changed and nothing will ever change… in so many ways. And that’s kind of comforting actually.

Like on Friday night when I was en route to State College with Mary and my Dad, before we’d even gotten to the Fort Pitt Tunnel, there had already been a solid conversation on brains, a chat about grad school cohorts/research, and a discussion about the people who are no longer Steelers and how Hines Ward’s retirement speech was basically the saddest thing we’ve ever seen in our lives.

It sucks how you can go home and then be even more homesick than you were before even though you just saw everyone.

Also, my school burnout is reaching ridiculously high levels. I have no idea how I’m gonna make it to December.

And this OB/Peds rotation is making me reconsider whether I want to have a family or not. Which is so messed up.

On the bright side, without kids to support, I could buy a new M3. So, then I’d be a badass surgeon with a badass car. Sounds like happily ever after to me.

I’m seriously starting to worry that I’ll never really know what I want. I’m a few weeks away from 25 and still reconsidering damn near everything about every plan I’ve ever tentatively made and every goal I’ve ever had.

I think I just actually am a noncommittal gypsy. And that sucks. Because I’m sick of being that. And I keep hoping that it’s a temporary phase. But can a phase really be a duration of 15 years?

Here’s a good example… Texas.

Six months ago, if (for some reason) I had a good reason to move to Texas, I would have gone… but I’d have been kicking and screaming the whole way.

Now, due to a series of what I’m still considering to be unfortunate events (because I still kind of really don’t want to move to Texas), Austin is maybe tied with New Orleans in terms of January plans.

Here’s why…

I still have no idea where I want to be after I graduate, in terms of potential nursing fields. And I’m kind of realizing that I probably won’t even know come December. So a nurse residency program seems like a good idea. This is basically a 6 to 52 week commitment (depending on the hospital) where you go through different rotations and get good experience in a lot of areas then decide what you want to do and if you’re good enough, the hospital tries to match what you want to do with what they need and/or want you to do then you have a job. It’s a good way to get your foot in the door if you have no experience and don’t want to work med-surg (and I know 100% positively that I don’t want to work med-surg).

Anyway, as far as I can tell from my research, New Orleans has zero nurse residency programs. The whole state of Louisiana has zero.

But Texas has a million.

And on one of my flights on Sunday, I sat next to a guy who grew up in Austin. And he made is sound slightly amazing.

So then I went on OkC to gauge how attractive/interesting/balanced guys from Austin are.

My God… they’re smokin’ hot and not crazy. And if the guys from OkC are that way, then you know that guys in real life all over the city are 500% hotter and more awesome. Because OkC is generally a baseline for figuring out what your worst options are. If those are my worst options, then I’m about to pack up and leave Mobile right now.

But then again… New Orleans is still kind of my dream, even though it never makes logistical sense. Like at first I didn’t have enough money saved to just pick up and go without being guaranteed a job. Then going to nursing school in Mobile made more sense than going to nursing school in New Orleans (shorter program, starting sooner, etc.). And now, it’s like “Oh, going to Texas for a year or two before New Orleans is probably a good idea.”

I feel like I’ll never get there. And I feel like I’m wasting my youth.

Also, Austin is still way far away from the beach. And since I’ve become a total beach bum at this point, I don’t know if I can do that.

Also, I still DON’T REALLY WANT TO MOVE TO TEXAS. But I kind of do want to move to Texas.

Ugh… it’s been like this slow progression from “Ick. Texas…” to “Oh, Texas… cool?” You can probably even track that change from my posts over the last six months. I don’t know what’s happening. My life is spinning out of control right now.

This is still relevant… 7 years later… nothing has really changed. I’m sick of noncommittal transience. But apparently, it’s the only state in which I ever exist.

So, I go back and forth forever
All my thoughts they come in pairs
Oh, I will, I won’t, I do, I don’t
I’m not surprised 
But I never feel quite prepared

Aside from flip cup and making pies, self-sabotage is my best skill.

I’m doomed to wander. Forever.

Give And Take

Nursing school is ruining my enjoyment of Euro 2012 so I’m super bitter and resentful right now.

Spain was amazing today but I could only passively enjoy the game because I was face down in a textbook.

However, I’m working extra hard to get stuff done so that I can fully enjoy the upcoming weekend in State College with my family and get extra drunk at my cousin’s wedding.

My flight gets in to Pittsburgh so late tomorrow (like almost midnight late). Then it’s a 2.5 hour drive to State College. Then I fly back in the early afternoon on Sunday… Another rushed trip home.

And I missed the fleeting excitement of the Pirates being in first place. Although, people barely get excited about that anyway because they know it’s always a short-lived occurrence.

I knew about it, of course. But I wasn’t home to experience the moment. We at least always raise our Yuengling drafts in celebration.

And I have no idea what’s going on with the Steelers leading up to the 2012 season because I’m not around people who talk about it constantly and don’t have time to keep up with everything.

Also, sometimes I get a whiff of something that kind of smells like the hospital and then I can only smell the full hospital smell until that instigating smell goes away.

My quality of life is in shambles. This better be worth it. Once I land an ER job, I’ll be ok with the suffering. But right now, everything about the nursing school experience sucks.

39% Done

Knowing that I’m more than 1/3 done with this isn’t good enough. I needed a more exact figure in order to stay calm.

Now that grades for the spring semester have been officially submitted, I just realized that I took 31 credits of nursing classes in one semester. And 16 of those credits were grad level.

Goodness.

I probably should have paid attention to what this actually entailed before I signed up. Because that’s freaking insane. I think in college, I never took more than 18 credits in one semester. No wonder I’m exhausted all the damn time.

This 7 week clinical rotation is kicking my butt in terms of sleep and desire to be alive. Which is why I’m falling off the blog post wagon. There’s never any time to catch up on missed sleep or relax, let alone type nonsense.

1.5 weeks to go, though. And a little over one week ’til I’m HOME in Pittsburgh for the weekend! I think my flight gets in around 4PM next Friday. Then I have to turn around right after the wedding and get back on a plane on Sunday night. Sigh. I might not make it to December. I’m going to become one of the lost children of nursing school.

At least tomorrow morning I get to watch a surgery or two. Maybe that will be the speed boost I need to make it through another semester. Please please please please please be a total knee replacement. I’m dying to see one.

Anyway, here’s what I initially planned on sharing in this post:

I think I’ve started collecting YouTube videos of children being rockstars in cars… Exhibit 1 and Exhibit 2

Never Forget Where You Come From

I think one of the most important things you need to do when you move away from home and/or get older is to never forget where you come from. This is so critical to me that it’s the second pillar of my “Four Pillars of Living with Integrity.” If I have time at some point, that will be a whole post.

For the purposes of this post, all you need to know is that remembering where you come from helps you stay grounded which is a relatively obvious connection that requires no further delineation currently.

I’m bringing this up right now because Mary has completely lost herself. As evidenced by the fact that she put a freaking NY Islanders license plate holder on her car. ARE YOU KIDDING  ME?!

(I whited out her plate number so you internet creepers can’t stalk her.)

This is beyond disgusting and I feel like I’ve failed as an older sister.

Going to school on Long Island changed her in a lot of ways. She got way more high maintenance. You would not believe how particular this girl is about her clothes, hair, eyebrows, etc. She won’t wear anything less expensive than Uggs on her feet in the winter and can’t eat until she puts on makeup before breakfast… even with the immediate family who saw her almost every day for the first 18 years of her life and knows exactly what she looks like without it and does not judge her at all.

I mean, I’m not a disinterested slob by any means but I can go to Dunkin Donuts with mascara from the day before on my face and an old pair of Converse on my feet without feeling like I’m about to have a panic attack. Caring too much about how you look becomes an unhealthy fixation and that’s not at all how we were raised. Vanity was not part of our upbringing in any way. But… fine… whatever. Become obsessed with how you look. I don’t have to like it but I can tolerate it. If I have to. I guess.

But what’s TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE is supporting any hockey team other than the Pens. What a disgrace. I’m about to disown her.

ESPECIALLY ANOTHER TEAM IN OUR DIVISION. This is so gross. All my happy memories involving Mary are forever tainted. I can’t even talk to her right now.

The boundaries have clearly been breached with this license plate nonsense.

In terms of her new high maintenance tendencies, assessing her level of corruption is somewhat subjective. There are shades of gray in there. You can’t really decisively say that she’s completely given up on her roots based on that type of evidence.

But with team allegiances, it’s like you either are a Pens fan or you aren’t a Pens fan. And you can’t be a Pens fan and an Islanders fan AT THE SAME TIME. So clearly she has decided to no longer be a Pens fan. And that’s not ok.  In our family, you are born a Pens fan and you die a Pens fan. Any other deviation is considered to be an outright betrayal and it’s disloyalty at the highest level. I bet my mother’s heart is broken. She will probably have to skip work tomorrow once she finds out because she probably won’t be able to get out of bed and all the blinds will be closed and the room will be dark and the TV won’t even be on and she won’t be able to eat.

Mary has been corrupted all the way down to the deepest level of her soul. Everyone please pray for her salvation. And anyone know a good Catholic priest with a lot of exorcism experience just in case it comes to that?

Worst To First

This is the greatest 6 minutes currently on YouTube.

It perfectly captures one of the most incredible stories in the history of all sports.

It made me want to jump up and down on my couch with my Terrible Towel.

And that shot at 2:14 is BEAUTIFUL.

Also, I never heard the Ave Maria part before.

And at 5:24, when the guy says, “I think it made Pittsburghers proud to be Pittsburghers,” my eyes welled up.

Now I’m homesick as fuck. For real. This is like a Mary level of homesickness.

I just wanna watch some KDKA before bed.

The wedding is 33 days away. And I cannot wait to come flying through the tunnel and see the city pop out in front of me. And spend the whole weekend downtown surrounded by lifelong yinzers.

The “32 or pregnant” thing still stands.

I cannot possibly settle down in any other place. My love for everything that comes with being a Pittsburgh resident overrides anything else that may be attractive about living in another place. I don’t even care that it just snowed.

It is the only place that’s ever felt like HOME.

And I will forever be proud of my ferocious love for the Steelers, Penguins, and Pirates.

I don’t care that this is actually the most annoying song on the entire planet. It makes my chest hurt from homesicky happiness. And given any opportunity to do so, I will forever be singing it at the top of my lungs with every other Pittsburgher around me.

And the most amazing feeling in the world is that moment when you’re surrounded by people in Steelers gear after a critical touchdown has been scored and everyone is whipping their Terrible Towel around like they never have before. NOTHING can beat that. Absolutely nothing.

To everyone else, we seem crazy. So go ahead and judge us. But I will unashamedly uphold the time-honored traditions of Steeler Nation. It’s been part of my soul since birth.

Let me remind you… It’s not crazy. It’s sports.

Post update: text conversation with my dad

Dad: I don’t do Facebook. Can you email me the URL for the Franco YouTube?
Me: Haha yeah. How do you know about it if you don’t have Facebook?
Dad: Word is passing around the family.

Hahahaha. That is so my family. If you want to know why I am the way I am, look to this as insight into what it’s like to be born into a family of Steelers fans.