Category Archives: soccer

This Is How You Send Me An OkC Message That I Definitely Won’t Respond To

I like a lot of what your profile has to say. I only worry a lithe thing like you might be too active for a homebody like me. I’m not a paleontologist but I wanted to be one when I was seven and amazed everyone with my knowledge of dino-names. Soccer is boring. but so is football and baseball. I’m all about stupid jokes, and in Alabama we canoe. Kayaking is a good way to tip in gator-water.Halloween is my favorite Christian holiday, but I never got a taste for beer. Been wanting to try some Christmas beer though.

Ok… pro tip: If you’re trying to get someone to like you/respond/hang out with you/etc, you don’t want to emphasize the things you don’t have in common. Eventually those will come up, of course. But, right off the bat, you don’t want to be like “Our lifestyles are different in these 500 ways.” You’re supposed to emphasize why you’d get along/be compatible/have fun together/etc. and include maybe one or two things that are potentially conflicting. Because it’s almost equally as annoying when a guy is like “It sounds like we’re the same in almost every way!” That threatens my sense of individual identity. And also makes the guy sound like he probably has no personality of his own. And also makes him sound like he’s a huge pussy who spends his life overbearingly trying to please girls and make them happy which is maybe the single most annoying trait to find in a guy.

Let’s break this down:

“I only worry a lithe thing like you might be too active for a homebody like me.” Your supposition is probably correct. And that makes you sound lazy and boring. Don’t message me.

“Soccer is boring. but so is football and baseball.” Soccer is my LIFE and football is super important, too. And it’s very clear from my profile that I’m a huge soccer/football/sports fan so if you actively don’t like them, you know that we’re not going to have a lot of things in common. Don’t message me, lazy/boring/non-sports fan.

“…in Alabama we canoe.” That’s not true. In Alabama, I’ve gone kayaking more times with Alabamians than I’ve gone canoeing with Alabamians. Don’t message me, lazy/boring/incorrect/non-sports fan.

“Kayaking is a good way to tip in gator-water.” Universal truth: canoes are easier to tip than kayaks. This guy OBVIOUSLY does not get out much because everyone knows that. It’s SO DIFFICULT to tip a kayak. You really have to be trying. Also, this makes him seem like he’s the type of guy who never shares drinks with people for fear of getting their germs, and always drives the speed limit for safety reasons, and never has any fun ever if it involves even a 1% chance of something bad happening. Don’t message me, lazy/boring/even more incorrect/unadventurous/anal/uptight/anxious/non-sports fan.

“Halloween is my favorite Christian holiday but I never got a taste of beer.” Those are two unrelated thoughts. Put them in separate sentences. And Halloween is not really a Christian holiday anymore and it actually has Pagan roots that predate the Christian influence. So, anytime someone refers to it as such, my opinion of them is immediately a little worse. Also, if we say that the #1 pastime/interest in my life is comprised of sports and being active, then it’s true that good beer is a close #2. Why point out that you hate everything I love if you’re trying to get me to respond to you? This guy probably orders a vodka cranberry at the bar. Don’t message me, lazy/boring/even more incorrect/unadventurous/anal/uptight/anxious/non-beer drinking/non-sports fan.

We obviously wouldn’t have a shred of affinity for one another.

I guess he did technically start off with, “I like a lot of what your profile has to say.” But when normal guys send a message, they expound upon that part instead of the negatives.

Easily one of the worst messages I’ve ever gotten. If that’s how this guy tries to get a girl to be interested, he’s gonna be forever alone. Also, EVERYONE wanted to be a paleontologist when they were seven. I forgot to include that part up there.

Today In “Reality Checks With Marisol”

Me: I think I go through engineers and bottles of Red Hot with approximately the same frequency. I have to get a new one about once every 30 days.
Marisol: You’re setting yourself up for acid reflux and loneliness in old age. Since I have 7 months more life experience than you do, let me tell you something. Engineers are either socially inept, emotionally inept, or hate their jobs so much that it makes them bitter about life.
Me: But they’re so good at math and that’s so hot…
Marisol: Your taste in men combined with the fact that you’re still a Pirates fan is so pitiful that you officially have the unhealthiest habits of anyone I know
Me: Pretty sure the Pirates are in first place though…
Marisol: You need to stop masochistically holding out for miracles.

Pretty sure she’s right. Sigh.

Done with engineers. But I’m seriously not ever attracted to any non-engineers. They’re good at physics too. Dreamy…

My mom’s gonna be pissed/heartbroken when she’s finds out that she’ll never get any grandkids out of me. Is it better to break this news to her before or after her upcoming 60th birthday? Let’s collectively decide that together because I can justify it both ways so I can’t come to a solid conclusion.

Ryan said he’s pissed that I’m not procreating with someone to produce our USMNT savior. Deal with it, bro. Was that ever gonna happen anyway if I’m exclusively attracted to engineers? They’re not known for their athleticism and would surely come in last place in that competition. It’s hard to procreate with someone if you’re not attracted to them.

It can be done but I’m not sure I’m really that willing to take one for the team (literally).

I came up with a better plan anyway. Lolo Jones and Daniel Sepulveda are more qualified to produce the type of individual who could lead us to a World Cup victory. Her speed and his kicking abilities? SOCCER STAR.

I’m all about helping Christian people find love since it’s apparently so difficult, according to Mary and basically every other seriously Christian person I know. Lolo Jones is devout and I’m pretty sure Daniel Sepulveda is too because I don’t think I’ve ever heard him publicly say anything without mentioning God in some way.

For all you non-Pittsburghers who are thinking “Well, that can’t really be saying a lot because how often is the punter on TV or doing a radio interview?”

Umm, I know this is gonna be really difficult to grasp if you’ve never spent a significant amount of time in Pittsburgh, but my response is… “Way more often than you’d probably ever expect.”

[Enter obligatory broken record statement about how much I miss that damn city]

So, anyway, someone introduce these two celebrity athletes to one another. It’s the most patriotic thing you can do. Give your children the gift of being able to witness a World Cup victory in their lifetime.

And Lolo Jones is nearly my favorite person right now, as you all know. And everyone’s trying to hook her up with Tim Tebow. Ick, that’s gross. Poor girl. This is a better alternative.

In other non-related news, my birthday on Wednesday was one of the best I’ve ever had. I could not have been happier. Honestly, it’s been so long since I’ve blown out candles that I forgot you were supposed to make a wish. It’s hard to have a party when your birthday is on the 4th of July. But my Bama Fam insisted that this happen and they organized it and invited my friends. So, we had a crazyfun day full of eating, drinking, celebrating America, and floating in the river. It was a sea of red, white, and blue bikinis.

And I got a bottle of birthday whiskey which we basically finished before being irresponsible with a small arsenal of fireworks. Then we headed out to the real fireworks and the bar.

25 actually is the best age to be.

The Eve Of The Eve Of My Quarter Centennial

The fact that Julian is getting his blogging shit back in line has inspired me to take mine to the next level. I have an official email address now: thebackwall@gmail.com

The previous email address that I had listed was my junk address. And I only checked it once a week… if that.  I felt bad for being a non-responsive asshole during those various occasions when someone did shoot me an email. And for relegating this blog to the “junk” category of my life.

I promise to check this new email inbox at least every couple days. Especially since I’m also using it for other things which are more important than junk but not so important that they need to go to my primary email address.

Does anyone yearn for simpler times when your life didn’t need a hierarchy of email addresses? There’s just no way I can successfully compartmentalize/prioritize without this system.

Anyway, here are some soccer videos because I love to sneak in unrelated/irrelevant things anywhere I can. You better thank the national deficit gods that I’m not your Congressional representative because I’d be the biggest pork barrel spender out there.

Julian posted this first one on my wall this morning:

And then I countered with this:

The Clint Dempsey one is much more epic.

Lady Liberty is SOOO out. Clint Dempsey is the new American symbol of deliverance.

Sundays Were Made For Confessions

Some people hate penalty kick endings, but I freaking live for them.

I’m so outrageously happy that this is already a gif so I can watch it over and over again. Not gonna lie… almost fell on the floor when that happened. Seriously, I think I briefly lost feeling all over my body from the “Oh, shit. That was incredible” excitement you get from these sorts of things.

I actually got reckless with my body positioning during the penalty kicks and irritated my sunburn and entered acute pain mode again. So worth it.

Confession: I think I might love soccer more than football and March Madness combined.

Also, in 2042, my kid is gonna be on the US World Cup championship team… provided that he inherits my obsession with soccer and his dad  has good strong soccer player legs. I think I’m gonna have spouse tryouts someday. Like make 10-100 eligible men line up and kick a soccer ball. Whoever can kick the farthest wins. Actually, I’m probably going to expand that to ball control exercises… and probably all soccer drills, now that I’m really thinking about this. Whoever is best overall is my soulmate.

It’s gonna be medieval.

Marriage isn’t about love. It’s about goals (I’m so punny) and genetics.

Give And Take

Nursing school is ruining my enjoyment of Euro 2012 so I’m super bitter and resentful right now.

Spain was amazing today but I could only passively enjoy the game because I was face down in a textbook.

However, I’m working extra hard to get stuff done so that I can fully enjoy the upcoming weekend in State College with my family and get extra drunk at my cousin’s wedding.

My flight gets in to Pittsburgh so late tomorrow (like almost midnight late). Then it’s a 2.5 hour drive to State College. Then I fly back in the early afternoon on Sunday… Another rushed trip home.

And I missed the fleeting excitement of the Pirates being in first place. Although, people barely get excited about that anyway because they know it’s always a short-lived occurrence.

I knew about it, of course. But I wasn’t home to experience the moment. We at least always raise our Yuengling drafts in celebration.

And I have no idea what’s going on with the Steelers leading up to the 2012 season because I’m not around people who talk about it constantly and don’t have time to keep up with everything.

Also, sometimes I get a whiff of something that kind of smells like the hospital and then I can only smell the full hospital smell until that instigating smell goes away.

My quality of life is in shambles. This better be worth it. Once I land an ER job, I’ll be ok with the suffering. But right now, everything about the nursing school experience sucks.

Q&A

Q: A reality show about ballet?
A: YES!

Q: Could this PostSecret have been mine?
A: YES (but it wasn’t)

Q: Is tomorrow going to be a good day for soccer?
A: ABSOLUTELY

Also, that was basically the most horrifically stressful ending to a hockey game I’ve ever seen. But the outcome was good. And Fleury redeemed himself.

Why Don’t You Kick Yourself Out? You’re An Immigrant, Too

Icky Thump – The White Stripes

Tomorrow, while you’re out binge drinking and making a mockery of an Irish holiday (I’ll be doing the same), I want you to think about how you’re benefitting from the diversity that was brought to this country via immigration.

Unless you’re 100% Native American, some (if not all) of your ancestors have come from somewhere else. And many of them weren’t welcome when they got here for a lot of the same ignorant reasons that are at the root of the Mexican immigration issue.

We’re a country of immigrants and every new group of people that has come to America has added something invaluable… politically, culturally, economically, etc.

I think we need a 2012 immigration policy update. Americans everywhere are already using the Cinco de Mayo holiday as an excuse to get drunk and eat tacos so I find it to be outrageously fucked up that citizenship is so unobtainable to so many Mexicans who want it. It’s like, “Here… let’s bastardize your holiday and also keep you from coming to America. We want your culture but not you.”

Semi-relevant: This border patrol promotional video is so ridiculous that I thought it was fake at first. It’s such messed up propaganda. I saw a border patrol SUV for the first time yesterday and it was unsettling.

My bitterness today is a combination of seeing the border patrol in real life, reading Marisol’s policy thesis on immigration stuff (she’s going to change the world, by the way), and also organizing my old Latin American studies books on the new bookcase (everything came flooding back).

But moving on to happier things because I’m really truly not trying to be Debbie Downer here…

LEHIGH BEAT DUKE!!!! I definitely went through all the steps of an elation-induced collapse. I’m outrageously happy.

Unfortunately, St. Bonaventure didn’t fare so well earlier in the day. They were dominating so awesomely and then somehow lost the game. Bitter heartbreak. Thank goodness Lehigh is helping me to forget that pain.

My dad called me after the Lehigh game was over and he was basically giddy. My dad is kind of emotionally flat normally. But not when it comes to Lehigh beating Duke, I guess.

While I’m on the “let’s look at old pictures” kick… Here’s one of me and Mary on the Lehigh campus back in the day.

We were definitely being baby adults and having some kind of deep intellectual conversation about life. This will forever be one of my favorite pictures of us.

I also associate Lehigh with soccer (and therefore love) in my brain because that’s where my first soccer memories took place.

That ball was a fake though! It was soft and had stuffing inside. We didn’t get a real one until I was like 5. #oldestchildproblems

Also, my hair is super stupid in that picture. I’m glad I get to make my own style decisions now. Everyone wants to be a kid again but I’m quite content being 24.

I’m 3.5 months away from 25! That’s insane. 25 is old.